28 years-old
Today, I changed the C on my report card into a B so that I wouldn't get in trouble with my parents. I spent the entire day perfecting the B's positioning and cut exactly around the edges of the size 10 font and sliced my finger in the process. Turns out, I'm still grounded for getting a B. FML
Today, I went downtown with my friends. A group of guys came up to us and started hitting on everyone except me. Then one of them said, "Do you girls hang out with her to make yourselves look better?" FML
Today, my boyfriend proposed by painting his chest with "marry me?" and an arrow going down. The ring was attached to his penis with a string. FML
Today, I found out that I'm not actually allergic to chocolate, when my mom freely admitted to me that she made it up when I was a child because she didn't want to share any cookies with me. FML
Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML
Today, I was sitting in McDonald's. A lady came up to me and started complaining about the bad service, and asked for the manager. I told her that I didn't work there. "But you must, someone that fat has to work here!" FML
Today, the cops showed up at our door at 11 pm. Apparently, our neighbours thought I was being abused because they heard high-pitched screaming for 45 minutes straight. Little did they know our 6-month-old baby screams when she's happy. Loudly. FML
Today, the 4 year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl." Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML
Today, my boss is on the phone with a Russian customer, who keeps saying, "Speak Russian please!" My boss asks me to translate, as he hired me for my knowledge of Russian. He says something, I translate in Russian, then the customer says, "Speak English please!" FML
Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML
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