Miss 33 years-old Single
Today, in my AP Biology class, a student informed us she'd read that Antarctica had completely melted due to global warming, to which my friend gushed, "Yeah! It's been melted for, like, months." FML
Today, I had a flat tire and took it to the local tire store. Turns out, the guy I had sex with once and ghosted was working there. He fixed my flat and asked if I remembered him. FML
Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML
Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML
Today, I saw my boyfriend cutting the crusts off his peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He’s 24. FML
Today, I picked my baby up from my babysitter's house. As I was getting him ready for bed, I saw blood and immediately went into a panic, rushing to the hospital and trying to contact her to see if my baby fell and she didn't tell me. Turns out it was just hot Cheeto dust mixed with drool. FML
Just kidding!
Today, I had a microbiology exam and my professor gave us a bonus question asking "What’s my favorite baseball team?" At least I know I have 10pts on my exam. #FML #GoAstros
Today, my garage got broken into and someone stole my $3000 bike. I bought it a month ago while I recovered from a knee injury. I just got enough strength 2 days ago to ride it. I've only ridden it once. FML
So destructive, but so cute!
Today, I left the door open while I went to the bathroom and my 11-month-old crawled in and then took off with my toilet paper. FML
It's fun until the bills come.
Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML
Today, I was going out with my boyfriend after recently coming out. On my way out the door, my dad looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Suck that dick like a champ tonight, son." FML
Today, my boyfriend of a year went to a wedding. He didn't invite me, he took his ex instead. I saw it all on Instagram. FML
Today, I found out my new husband is actually an illegal immigrant using me for citizenship, and is now forcing me to house his parents, 5 siblings, and 3 grandparents who are now able to pass through immigration. FML
Today, I walked into a public restroom and, to my utter surprise, saw a lady squeezing blood out of used tampons. We made eye contact, she continued, and I ran out in horror. FML
Today, my usual 15 minute return trip from the fabric store took almost an hour and a half due to traffic. Once I finally got home, I realized I misunderstood the pattern I'm using and only bought half the fabric I needed. FML
Today, I took my new boyfriend to my step-sister's wedding. He knew more people there than I did, including 3 bridesmaids he used to sleep with. FML
Today, it's been two weeks since I honked, screamed, and cussed at a cyclist on the road. Since then, my car has been keyed, my tires have been slashed, bricks have been thrown at my windows, and my number has been put on Craigslist as a gay prostitute. FML
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