No Expectations No Disappointments · 18 September 2024, 14:00 ·Makati City, Philippines

Great expectations

Today, my dad and his buddies were hanging out. One of them said to my dad, "Hey! I've heard your son wants to be a doctor! He he he! You better start saving up!" My dad then triumphantly responded, "PAH!!! No problem there. He's an idiot! He probably won't make it to premed!" And yes, he was sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 471 You deserved it 120

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Klarissa · 18 September 2024, 09:00 ·Milwaukee, United States

Treasure hunt

Today, I told my roommate that I was trying to lose weight, so she kindly removed all the junk food from the kitchen. I just found it all hidden under her bed. Apparently, she didn’t trust me enough to resist temptation, and she was absolutely correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 114 You deserved it 700

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Anonymous · 18 September 2024, 06:00 ·York, United Kingdom

Leave me alone!

Today, I got chased by a duck. Not just any duck, the same duck that has chased me every morning for a week. I’m starting to think it has a personal vendetta against me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 415 You deserved it 142

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limegreengiraffe · This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff ·Lubbock, United States

For better, for worse

Today, my boyfriend and I went shopping for an engagement ring. We ended up breaking up in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 908 You deserved it 7 480

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Anonymous · 18 September 2024, 00:00 ·Canada

Where would we be without GPS?

Today, I followed my GPS exactly for directions to my job interview. I ended up at a petting zoo. I was too embarrassed to admit my mistake, so I pretended to pet a goat before leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 151 You deserved it 454

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Anonymous · 17 September 2024, 22:00 ·Germany

Skittish

Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by jumping into his arms. He panicked, stepped aside, and I crashed into the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137 You deserved it 514

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Anonymous · 17 September 2024, 20:00 ·United States

Miss you

Today, I saw a text from my mom asking, “Are you still with that girl from last year? I miss her.” She was talking about my ex. The girl I’m dating now saw the message before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 487 You deserved it 97

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izhamilton · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Eco-friendly

Today, after flying halfway across the world to see the man I love, he admitted cheating on me several days before I arrived, not only with someone I know, but with someone I hate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 505 You deserved it 2 865

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Anonymous · 17 September 2024, 16:00 ·United Kingdom

No tip for you

Today, my Italian boyfriend claims his dad owned a restaurant and taught him everything he knows. His dad must have worked at a McDonald’s then because my boyfriend is the only Italian I’ve met who overcooks pasta into mush, can’t season tomato sauce properly, and thinks Domino’s makes good pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 491 You deserved it 138

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This is a nightmare · 17 September 2024, 14:00 ·United States

My brain hates me

Today, my anxiety decided to play a new trick: When I'm trying to go to sleep, I get anxious about having nightmares. It sure does wonders for my insomnia, which I've otherwise completely controlled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 403 You deserved it 105

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Anonymous · 17 September 2024, 09:00 ·United Kingdom

Thanks for that, whoever you are

Today, I realised that somewhere out there someone has written my phone number on a pub bathroom wall, because now every couple of days or weeks I get random calls from heavy breathing pervs, or from guys wanting to know if I’m available, and how much I charge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 469 You deserved it 86

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Sad · 17 September 2024, 06:00 ·Perth, Australia

Grief and capitalism

Today, I was accused of faking tears and lying about my pop's death to get out of work. I was even demoted for being "a liar and untrustworthy." I went home to grieve after finding out he only has a few days left to live. That man raised me. I feel totally broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 616 You deserved it 98

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Chops · This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff ·United States

Bystander

Today, I was walking from my office to the place I had parked my car, a distance of approximately three blocks. As I was about to round the last corner, I was forced to dive out of the way of a speeding car. When I looked up, I noticed that it was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 100 379 You deserved it 4 538

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Hell naw · 17 September 2024, 00:00 ·United States

Clever AND funny

Today, I found out my seven-year-old nephew has worked out my phone’s passcode, which admittedly is pretty basic. He also knows how to send texts. How did I find out? By receiving a reply to the message he sent my boss that said, “Your stinky, you suck, big boobie.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 437 You deserved it 150

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anon · 16 September 2024, 22:00 ·Australia

Mummy's boy

Today, for some reason, I called my boss "Mum" in a meeting. To make it worse, I panicked and followed it up with, “Can I have a raise?” Everyone laughed except my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 161 You deserved it 442

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dead inside · 16 September 2024, 20:00 ·United States

Anhedonia

Today, my depression has reached the point where I don't even have the energy to seriously pursue any hobbies. Any time I find the motivation to try something new, I immediately get discouraged at the slightest difficulties, and become even more depressed. I don't even know why I'm trying anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462 You deserved it 137

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Kreen · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff

Fuzzy memory

Today, I realized that mixing alcohol with my medication causes me to lose my memory. I went to see my favorite band in concert last night and I can't remember a single song they played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 234 You deserved it 45 014

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Fern · 16 September 2024, 16:00 ·Canada

How do people still get caught out like this?

Today, I was sat in front of my computer, waiting for a Zoom meeting with my coworkers to start. I started doing interpretive dance arm movements to the jazzy funky hold music. Turns out that the camera wasn’t off, and everyone was silently watching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 146 You deserved it 568

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Anonymous · 16 September 2024, 14:00 ·Bristol, United Kingdom

Drama!

Today, I tried to make a dramatic exit after arguing with my flatmate. I slammed the door, but the handle broke, and I had to ask him for help to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 You deserved it 545

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Fuck you dad · 16 September 2024, 12:00 ·United States

What?

Today, whenever my dad says something and I (genuinely) don't hear him, he repeats it in an extremely slow and condescending manner. My family says I should "get a sense of humor" because I'm rightfully pissed about this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 395 You deserved it 172

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Anonymous · 16 September 2024, 09:00 ·United States

Leftovers

Today, I woke up to my cat licking my face. Cute, right? Turns out, she was licking the crumbs off my cheek from last night's pizza party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 You deserved it 535

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Anonymous · 16 September 2024, 06:00 ·Salisbury, United States

Woof

Today, I woke up with pink eye. Trying to avoid going to the doctor, I searched through my cabinet for an old RX of antibiotic eyedrops. I found a tube of antibiotic ointment labeled “For optic use only.” Only after putting in my eye did I Google what it was: Dog eye ointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 You deserved it 725

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Anonymous · This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff ·Puerto Rico

Smooth sailing

Today, I was messing around in computer class when somebody called my name from the hall. Trying to be smooth, I tried rolling my chair backwards out into the hall. The wheels wasted no time jamming and sending me crashing face-first into the floor in front of everyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 338 You deserved it 27 464

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Anonymous · 16 September 2024, 00:00 ·United States

Just vibing

Today, it was our first kid-free weekend in almost two months, and I was hoping for a nice date night. Instead, she picked up two shifts at work and then had a girls' night. Don't worry, she assigned me a massive deep clean that ate up almost my entire weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 532 You deserved it 162

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Anonymous · 15 September 2024, 22:00 ·Lafayette, United States

Projection

Today, I found out why my boyfriend doesn't want me to get a full-time job, despite us needing the money. He's scared that I'll cheat on him with one of my coworkers, to get back at him for doing it a few years ago. I never knew he cheated on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 710 You deserved it 109

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Anonymous · 15 September 2024, 20:00 ·Saint Cloud, United States

Company policy

Today, I just wanted to let Spectrum Internet know that there's a wire down a block north of me, but all they wanted to do was schedule a fucking appointment for ME! Why are there so many fucking idiots in this goddamn world? FML

I agree, your life sucks 424 You deserved it 106

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mrmidi · This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff ·United States

Fight me, loser

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 - A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 - If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 885 You deserved it 4 389

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Anonymous · 15 September 2024, 16:00 ·United States

Scammers all the way down

Today, and for the past 2 years, my aunt has owed me money. She just admitted that she fell for a scam, and gave the scammer more than double the amount I'd loaned her. I felt bad for her… until I realized something. When I asked how she had it to give to them, but not to pay me back, she got mad and hung up on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 516 You deserved it 89

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Anonymous · 15 September 2024, 14:00 ·Miami, United States

Targetted

Today, for the second time this year, my motorcycle has been stolen, with no hope of recovery. The thieves even tore out the GPS tracking unit I'd installed to prevent it happening again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467 You deserved it 75

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Anonymous · 15 September 2024, 12:00 ·United Kingdom

Cool family vibes

Today, my husband and son had their first DIY project. Less than 30 minutes later, our son’s crying in his room. Turns out my husband is just like his dad. “WHY ARE YOU STANDING DOING NOTHING? PASS ME THE THING. NOT THAT THING, THE OTHER THING. HERE, I’LL DO IT MYSELF. PAY ATTENTION, GOD DAMMIT.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 532 You deserved it 126

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