Nearly FML

By wtf - 15/01/2018 13:00 - United States - Concord

Today, my father informed me that I was no longer welcome at his home. The unpardonable offense? Chewing gum in the house. FML

agreeclassic 4 120

vote type 1 390

By Jee - 15/01/2018 17:51

Today, my father literally tried making me feel bad because I wanted to use what little was left of my own money to go to a friends Birthday party, instead of using it to pay off more of his debt. FML

agreeclassic 67

vote type 1 2

By BloodyFace - 15/01/2018 17:15

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex while I was on my period, I didn't feel much flow, but when we finished his whole hand and body was covered in blood. To top it off, he rubbed his hand all over my face and declared "Your initiation is now complete." FML

agreeclassic 61

vote type 1 19

By Anonymous - 15/01/2018 15:36

Today, my wife and I rearranged the furniture in our bedroom, so that she could have a desk in there to work. I lost 2 feet of space between the bed and the dresser. There is just enough room now for me to trip, fall into the dresser and get stuck. My ribs and back are killing me. FML

agreeclassic 53

vote type 1 8

By Komei's goddaddy - 15/01/2018 15:19

Today, at the mall, I ran into a lost and crying little girl, it's my best friend's. She recognized me and clung onto me. While I was calling her dad, some nosey old woman heard me say "... if you still want to see her...". She snatched her from me and caused a scene, as 2 officers grabbed me. FML

agreeclassic 81

vote type 1 4

By Aki - 15/01/2018 10:40

Today, after 1 year of dedication, delivering commendable results and meeting all the targets set by owner, I was supposed to have an appraisal call. 1hour prior to the call I'm laid off with immediate effect as I am not performing as per expectations! Last month I rejected 2 better job offers. FML

agreeclassic 59

vote type 1 4

By Jingersnappp - 15/01/2018 03:38 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my boyfriend and I went to Chipotle for dinner. I got a lot of toppings on my taco, when the guy checking us out said, “sorry your order is a little messy, there’s a lot in there.” To which I replied, “it’s alright, I love when my taco is stuffed full” FML

agreeclassic 43

vote type 1 25

By prettyshittynight - 14/01/2018 23:54 - United States - Irving

Today, my boyfriend and I slept over at his parents house. I woke up around 5am with a horrible stomach ache and rushed to the bathroom.. I didn't make it in time. I then had to wash myself and my shit stained clothes off in the only shower in the house, which was connected to his parents' room. FML

agreeclassic 58

vote type 1 4

By "catwithwatermelononhead" - 15/01/2018 06:00

Today, after being married for 10 years, I realized my husband doesn't playfully shake my hand after we kiss to be cute or funny. He does it to make my breasts jiggle. FML

agreeclassic 59

vote type 1 9

By Anthony123 - 15/01/2018 05:04

Today, I was at work and I design kitchens and after 45 minutes of going over things the customer I was helping he showed me the pictures of the space he was planning to turn into a kitchen and while swiping he went one too far and it’s a dick pic. He locked his phone and left without a word. FML

agreeclassic 58

vote type 1 4

By jtb3 - 15/01/2018 14:40 - Australia - Footscray

Today, My MacBook fan was getting way too hot... so I put it in the freezer for a bit to cool the computer down before it overheats.. I left it in there for 9 hours... Took it out, and it won't turn back on. FML

agreeclassic 7

vote type 1 144

By Huh? - 14/01/2018 18:21 - United States - Anchorage

Today, my girlfriend's mother said, and I quote, "I forbid you to date my daughter because you will destroy the racial purity of our line." They are Japanese and I am white. FML.

agreeclassic 77

vote type 1 9

By Pain in the crotch - 15/01/2018 04:14

Today, I am in the hospital, and as soon as my gf found out I have a catheter she started talking sexy and flashed me. I feel like a bullet ant burrowed in there. FML

agreeclassic 68

vote type 1 8

By "jurdaweirdo" - 15/01/2018 03:52

Today, I had a chug contest with my sister. We had to each drink 20 oz. of water. She won, and as soon as I released the bottle from my lips, all 20 oz. came out of my mouth. FML

agreeclassic 36

vote type 1 13

By Renn - 15/01/2018 03:49

Today, me and my bf moved in with my mom because of money troubles. I’m pregnant and extremely horny, but every time my mother hears the slightest noise she runs into the room with a lecture and a viable script. I’m 27, engaged and pregnant. What can happen that hasn’t already?! FML

agreeclassic 73

vote type 1 13

By Beckyy - 15/01/2018 03:23

Today, I was carrying a hot pot of pasta to the sink to drain the water and I tripped, spilling it all over me. I screamed in pain and asked my bf for help, but he was “in the middle of a game”. I’m in pain and he calls me a “whiner” because I didn’t want sex. I had 1st degree burns all over me. FML

agreeclassic 69

vote type 1 7

By Bobby - 14/01/2018 20:28 - Australia

Today, I found out that the Hebrew tattoo I got on my chest while drunk in Vegas 2 years ago says "I Love Sydney." I am from Australia, but Sydney was the name of the stripper I was with all night. I have a stripper name tattooed on my chest. FML

agreeclassic 29

vote type 1 63

By patronizier? - 15/01/2018 06:37 - Philippines - San Pedro

Today, in the boutique I work in, a heavyset young woman came and asked for a size 28 inch pants. Thinking it was a joke, I offered our "largest" 28, a 52 mislabeled a 28. It fit her perfectly and gleefully bought it. Later, the same customer's furious, a bigger mother came in to have me fired. FML

agreeclassic 56

vote type 1 15

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 16:01 - New Zealand

Today, I woke up from my sleep, put my uniform on and proceeded to walk to work, only to realize it was pitch black and 3:30am. I don't start until 2pm. FML

agreeclassic 53

vote type 1 19

By Cokeandpepsi - 14/01/2018 21:28

Today, is my birthday and my husband and son decided to make waffles. I ate some and realized they used salt instead of sugar. My son's face looked so hopeful I had to eat it. I finished it and took a sip of my coffee. I immediately spit it out, and started gagging, then my son started laughing. FML

agreeclassic 80

vote type 1 11

By Shelby Ivey - 14/01/2018 20:46

Today I asked my husband to put some clothes in the washer and dryer while I take care of our child. He did, but he forgot to separate colors and whites. Now my favorite white shirt and several of my sons shirts are a nice faded pink. FML

agreeclassic 51

vote type 1 6

By "Caci Johnson_1334690502" - 14/01/2018 20:22

Today, my daughter decided she was going to show her disapproval of my cooking by puking all over the kitchen table during dinner. Later, at bedtime, she then proceeded to puke again covering her bedding, pillow and her favorite stuffed animal. Guess who can't clean up vomit without puking myself? FML

agreeclassic 52

vote type 1 13

By Sheryl - 14/01/2018 14:21 - United States

Today, I had intercourse for the first time... I fell asleep. FML

agreeclassic 48

vote type 1 9

By Lazy McLazypants - 14/01/2018 10:02 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I cleaned my room more thoroughly than ever before to the point of being spotless. The problem? I was supposed to be working out. I am so lazy, I would rather clean my room then run a few laps around the block. FML.

agreeclassic 44

vote type 1 29

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 19:59

Today, it is my 40th birthday, not only am I still a virgin I've not kissed a guy since I was 16. This depressed me so much I've spent all of my birthday moping in my pyjamas. Plus the batteries in my vibrator are dead and I can't muster the energy to go buy new ones FML

agreeclassic 67

vote type 1 17

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 17:13

Today, an old coon at the grocery store berated me for having so many tattoos, saying they were "a sign of the devil" and adding that no one would ever hire me because of them. I'm a tattoo artist and I own my own shop. FML

agreeclassic 73

vote type 1 8

By "SunsetSiren" - 14/01/2018 17:07

Today, at a work holiday party, I was invited to go bar hopping after. They left me at the 2nd bar, and I couldn't afford the $80 Uber we were supposed to split, by myself. So I walked the mile back to my car, in the dark, downtown, by myself. FML.

agreeclassic 61

vote type 1 6

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 16:40

Today, my wife tried to (jokingly) text me the following “my friend wants to see the penis mold we made of your dick.” It went to my mom instead. FML

agreeclassic 54

vote type 1 10

By Anonymous - 14/01/2018 09:07 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my husband and I have both had a bad stomach flu, but apparently it's not as bad for because I'm "used to" nausea from when I was pregnant. I'm now watching my toddler alone while he's in bed resting. FML

agreeclassic 69

vote type 1 6

By SingleChick - 13/01/2018 23:01 - United States - Charlotte

Today, my crush asked me if I was seeing someone, when I excitedly say no he goes... idk man maybe you should see a therapist or something. FML

agreeclassic 68

vote type 1 8

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Today, I found out my boyfriend thinks I'm too high maintenance because I have a chronic illness which requires frequent hospitalization. FML

agreeclassic 34 793

vote type 1 3 532

Today, I told my students that I would be absent tomorrow because my wife was giving birth. They burst into applause... not to congratulate me on the new baby. FML

agreeclassic 52 280

vote type 1 13 694

Today, my neighbor complained that the trailers and sheds in my yard are ruining her view. The same neighbor who built her house right above my property, thereby ruining my view, and leaving not even enough space for a hedge in between. FML

agreeclassic 1 027

vote type 1 89

Today, I was with my kids. We saw a tiny little bug and they started freaking out. Trying to show them that bugs are not scary, I picked it up. It bit me and now I have to go to the doctor because my hand is the size of a balloon. FML

agreeclassic 44 669

vote type 1 27 024

Today, I found out the psychiatrist who treats me for bipolar disorder died. He committed suicide. FML

agreeclassic 2 061

vote type 1 144

Today, feeling lonely after my recent breakup, I put on my nicest clothes and went out clubbing with a few friends. I brought a guy back to my place, and we got intimate. It was going well, until he took off my push-up bra, then panicked and drunkenly asked, "Where'd they go?!" FML

agreeclassic 29 232

vote type 1 53 287