The Top

Hey guys, OP here. I talked to my landlord about my roommate a few hours ago. She's a very sweet older lady, and she was in tears when I told her what happened. My roommate now has 48 hours to get out. I took Paprika to the vet right away, and they said she'll most likely survive, but it's possible she'll have brain damage. She woke up in the car on the way there (after a good ten minutes of not moving, I was so afraid she didn't make it) but they gave her something to make her sleep for awhile. Thank you all for your support!

By bloody - 15/06/2013 08:57 - United States

Today, my fiancé threatened to leave me for "bleeding too damn much." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 180

You deserved it 5 090

By Anonymous - 22/06/2014 20:06 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I was at the reading of my grandma's will. Apparently I was removed from it some time ago, and the £2,500 I would have gotten went to my cheating bitch of an ex-fiancée. It seems my grandma adored her, and never forgave me for "driving her away" from the family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 180

You deserved it 5 242

By guest - 01/04/2011 21:33 - United States

Today, my wife decided that to help her stop smoking, she's also giving up the things that make her crave a cigarette. Sex is one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 180

You deserved it 6 680

Milking it

By mperrotta913 - 21/05/2010 15:46 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 178

You deserved it 14 900

By chickennoodlesoup - 21/05/2009 01:50 - Canada

Today, I made chicken noodle soup for the girl I've been seeing to help her get over her cold. From scratch. Everything fresh save for the canned chicken stock. It took an hour in preparation and half an hour to take the bus to her place. Her first words? The celery's not cooked enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 173

You deserved it 6 383

By Anonymous - 19/04/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 167

You deserved it 6 183

By doglover - 03/11/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, a Milkbone commercial came on TV. At the end of it, they whistle and throw a Milkbone across the screen, prompting my 100lb German Shepherd to leap off the couch and run head on into my new plasma screen TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 166

You deserved it 4 788

Bad start

By fuck but no fuck - 02/08/2013 19:44 - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, I finally felt ready to make love to my boyfriend for the first time. It all went great, until I tried putting the condom on him. In the process, I managed to nick his penis not once, but three times with my nails. His eyes brimmed with tears and he completely lost his erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 166

You deserved it 28 487

By tommy - 06/06/2009 12:41 - United States

Today, I called my friend in Australia to have a nice long chat, what I did not know was that my dad had removed my international calling plan, I talked to my friend for 5 hours, and ran up a huge phone bill, which I have to take out of the money I saved up to go see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 165

You deserved it 8 356

Goddamn commies

By Frazz - 10/06/2013 05:09 - Australia - Aspley

Today, I was told by my grandfather that I was no longer allowed to visit him or to set foot in his house. Why? He found out I have been taking Japanese and German as electives in my degree, so I must be an 'enemy spy'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 165

You deserved it 5 276

By Aaron - 14/05/2009 21:23 - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 165

You deserved it 3 735

By library book - 10/07/2014 05:27 - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I went to the public library for the first time ever. The librarian told me I couldn't get a library card because I had an outstanding balance of $130.00 from 1995. I was born in 1991. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 162

You deserved it 4 491

The L word

By Anonymous - 26/05/2014 15:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I told my girlfriend that I love her. She panicked and blurted out our S&M safeword. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 157

You deserved it 7 137

Betrayed

By Hellosinglelife - 28/03/2013 22:35 - Trinidad and Tobago - Diego Martin

Today, my now ex-girlfriend posted on Facebook that I called her a "fucking bitch". Our mutual friends were all outraged, and demanded that I treat her with respect. What she failed to mention was that I said it after finding out that she's been sleeping with my "best friend" for the past year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 151

You deserved it 3 656

Traditional

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Ghana - Accra

Today, I'm on holiday in Ghana. After having worn an anklet I bought here for the past two weeks, I was told that it's used by the local prostitutes to advertise their trade. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 144

You deserved it 8 113

By nevercatchabreak - 31/08/2013 08:16 - United States - Burgettstown

Today, tired of everyone forgetting my birthday, I traveled half way around the world to spend my 40th at a five star resort just to try and make it special. The hotel brought me a cake with someone else's name on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 141

You deserved it 4 284

By TiredMum - 16/10/2013 13:33 - United States - Vancouver

Today, my five-year-old daughters realized that if one of them rang the doorbell, it would keep me distracted long enough for the other one to steal cookies from the kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 140

You deserved it 7 109

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I was texting a girl I was interested in and we exchanged Instagram names. She ghosted me right after. She's the fourth girl to have done this to me in the past month. I guess I'm unattractive, but at least I'm good at texting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 827

You deserved it 419

Today, I dyed my hair blue because I’m cosplaying as Jinx from Arcane. My parents made me practically homeless because they associate hair dye with "wokeness" and they’re not having that shit in their house. I'm now staying with my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 526

You deserved it 234

Today, I received a letter from a “judge” declaring me mentally unfit and ordering me to transfer my house and money into my son’s name. It had 8 spelling mistakes. My son really will do anything to avoid getting a job. I’m kicking him out when he turns 30 in 2 weeks. Enough is enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 628

You deserved it 174

Today, I stepped into a pile of dog shit on my doorstep, along with a note saying, "Keep your dog out of my yard." I don't own a dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 796

You deserved it 2 786

I'm not a quitter!

I agree, your life sucks 281

You deserved it 94

Today, I was babysitting a two year-old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me, started crying, and stabbed me right in the foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 390

You deserved it 2 776