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By goodgrief - 30/10/2013 18:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom got drunk at our family reunion and told everyone how worried she is that my "excessive masturbation" would damage the nerves in both my dick and arm. FML

agreeclassic 51 951

vote type 1 8 798

By Anonymous - 08/10/2010 05:23 - United States

Today, my husband pooped the bed for the second time since we've been married. We've been married a month. FML

agreeclassic 51 950

vote type 1 5 468

By hoolagirl4422 - 20/09/2013 11:23 - Hong Kong - Kennedy Town

Today, I bumped into a really cute guy I know. I stuttered and floundered, before saying, "Hi, it's me, Megan Thomas." My surname isn't Thomas, but his is. FML

agreeclassic 51 944

vote type 1 9 433

By LadyLuck - 10/05/2009 05:38 - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses station, I heard them talking about the "bastard in Room 303." I went on to visit my husband in room 303. FML

agreeclassic 51 943

vote type 1 5 392

Spooky

By Scaredwitless - 28/01/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, my roommate decided to prank me by leaving a fake suicide note on the bathroom door and lying motionless in a bathtub full of water and red coloring. When I went, horrified, to take a closer look, he lunged at me and screamed. I was so scared I pissed myself. FML

agreeclassic 51 936

vote type 1 6 024

By JazzSpazz - 11/08/2009 06:40 - United States

Today, I had a horrible breakup with my girlfriend of two years. Depressed, I changed my Facebook status to, "Hate me today, hate me tomorrow, hate me for all the things I didn't do for you." My ex commented, "Give me an orgasm?" Five of my friends, including my mom, liked this. FML

agreeclassic 51 934

vote type 1 24 156

Todd is fine, and you?

By blind_date - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went on a blind date with a guy who talked about himself in the third person. Seriously. FML

agreeclassic 51 934

vote type 1 6 440

By WTF? - 01/04/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I caught my boyfriend secretly using my hair straightener while I was in the other room. Too embarrassed to talk to him about it, I left and came back later, only to discover him slipping on a pair of my panties. FML

agreeclassic 51 923

vote type 1 8 212

By Argh - 03/11/2013 20:18 - France - Saivres

Today, my car keys are in my house and my house keys are in my car, and I'm in neither. FML

agreeclassic 51 923

vote type 1 9 285

Perfect timing

By Anonymous - 10/08/2009 20:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my friend and I were arguing over whose boyfriend was better. Just as I was about to convince her, my boyfriend rang. Trying to start the perfect conversation, I put him on speaker phone and answered, "Hey Tiger, I was just thinking about you!" He broke up with me on speaker. FML

agreeclassic 51 922

vote type 1 16 356

By Anonymous - 17/05/2011 10:06 - Finland

Today, I got a boner in the MRI machine while my pelvic bone was being scanned. FML

agreeclassic 51 921

vote type 1 8 272

By neighbor - 26/01/2014 13:08 - Australia - Mosman

Today, I was helping my elderly neighbor carry her groceries into her kitchen. When I finished, she sighed and said, "You're such a sweet girl. It's just a shame about your face." FML

agreeclassic 51 915

vote type 1 4 018

By Andrew - 31/10/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I got married. We both promised to remain abstinent until our wedding day. She's on her period. FML

agreeclassic 51 915

vote type 1 9 923

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was carrying some luggage downstairs to put in my car to head back to college. My brother told me my shoes were untied. He said he would tie them for me as I was carrying luggage. I fell down the stairs because he thought it would be funny to tie them together. FML

agreeclassic 51 910

vote type 1 11 187

By gullible - 12/04/2014 16:01 - United States

Today, I found out that the April Fool's Day prank my girlfriend and best friend played on me was not a joke, and that they actually did sleep together. FML

agreeclassic 51 905

vote type 1 3 943

By BlueB - 06/07/2013 15:42 - United States

Today, I realized that I am such a Grammar Nazi that when a porn star says something grammatically-incorrect, I lose my boner. FML

agreeclassic 51 898

vote type 1 20 952

A tad insecure

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

agreeclassic 51 897

vote type 1 5 150

Enough!

By pissed off - 02/07/2014 21:52 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, my dad finished installing our new home security system. One of the features lets him control any light in the house from his phone. He keeps trying to piss me off by turning my bedroom light on at random intervals. I don't know how to make it stop, and I can't sleep. FML

agreeclassic 51 897

vote type 1 4 965

Suspicious activities

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was going home with the tomato plant I just bought in my cup holder. The smell of it was filling the car and I love the smell so I picked it up and took a wiff. A few moments later I got pulled over. Apparantly, the cop saw me sniff it and thought I was smelling a marijuana plant. FML

agreeclassic 51 892

vote type 1 8 584

Sex ed has failed entire generations

By Thatslife - 26/03/2011 19:29 - Netherlands

Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, "You can't get pregnant the first time..." This moron is my best friend. FML

agreeclassic 51 889

vote type 1 7 875

Foot in mouth

By Anonymous - 15/06/2009 04:48 - Australia

Today, my grandpa died. I called my grandma to make sure she was going to be fine. After talking over the phone for 30 minutes or so, I told her goodbye and said, out of habit, "Say hi to grandpa for me". FML

agreeclassic 51 883

vote type 1 25 985

By lonely - 24/10/2011 14:55 - United States

Today, without telling me, my mom dropped me off at my grandmother's house, and drove off. Now I'm supposed to spend the next month with her. Guess she forgot my grandma died six weeks ago. FML

agreeclassic 51 882

vote type 1 3 126

By pink_cupcakes - 15/08/2009 10:22 - Australia

Today, I went to the movies alone after the boy I was seeing told me he was busy studying for exams. I found him making out with another girl whilst in the queue. When I confronted him by text, he denied that it was him. I saw him check the text and reply. FML

agreeclassic 51 881

vote type 1 4 797

Felt cute, might delete later

By nopanties - 04/03/2013 05:11 - United States - Durham

Today, my boyfriend ripped my panties trying to get them off. Not off me, off himself. FML

agreeclassic 51 878

vote type 1 6 460

By dumped - 27/10/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

agreeclassic 51 877

vote type 1 2 804

By Anonymous - 21/05/2014 16:05 - United States - New York

Today, I woke to my drunk mother trying to vacuum the lawn. FML

agreeclassic 51 873

vote type 1 4 386

By noname - 13/12/2008 05:48 - France

Today, my wife, in her magnificent wedding dress, had her period during the ceremony. How did I find out? The same way everyone else did. FML

agreeclassic 51 870

vote type 1 2 977

By rachelllynne - 09/05/2013 17:44 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, the woman I babysat for blamed me for the cut on her son's face, and fired me with no pay for not looking after him properly. He already had the cut when I arrived. FML

agreeclassic 51 869

vote type 1 3 153

By secretsmakefriends - 15/10/2013 21:43 - United States - Vashon

Today, my grandmother called me in a fit of panic because her new neighbors are black. So is my fiancé, whom she is supposed to meet tomorrow. FML

agreeclassic 51 869

vote type 1 5 189

By Sadtimes - 17/09/2009 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years because he hadn't "popped" the question. I've just spent the last 2 months helping him plan the perfect proposal. FML

agreeclassic 51 864

vote type 1 3 765

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Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

agreeclassic 31 957

vote type 1 9 382

Today, after watching over my drunken mother all last night to make sure she didn't choke on her own vomit, I came to the conclusion that at the age of 53, she's more of a party animal than I ever will be. I'm a 22 year old man. FML

agreeclassic 31 972

vote type 1 5 422

Today, after showering and moisturising, I turned my fan on to max blast. I got covered in clumps of dust, which I had to take another shower to remove. FML

agreeclassic 2 877

vote type 1 1 035

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

agreeclassic 53 974

vote type 1 9 038

Today, my boyfriend told me he’d rather masturbate than have sex with me, and that sex with me is a chore. FML

agreeclassic 1 345

vote type 1 433

Today, I got fired. Yesterday was my birthday and I was told I was getting a promotion. FML

agreeclassic 1 111

vote type 1 129