The Top

The most agreed on FMLs The most commented on FMLs The most favorited

The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By Anonymous - 08/08/2011 14:29 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me about this guy who makes balloon animals with his penis. My boyfriend has spent the last 4 hours trying to make his penis look like a pretzel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 749

You deserved it 4 484

By Anonymous - 16/11/2009 03:28 - United States

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 767

You deserved it 2 536

By ahddib - 14/10/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I started making love to my wife as soon as the kids were occupied. She just laid there the whole time and never responded, except for a few times to say "Ouch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 240

You deserved it 10 380

By JDziewaltowski - 24/05/2013 07:42 - United States

Today, I was torn from my car and slammed against the hood because a canister of window-cleaning wipes I keep in my glove compartment apparently looks vaguely like a pipe-bomb. My lawyer agreed with the cops, and won't handle the "excessive force" case I threatened the police with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 598

You deserved it 4 422

JDziewaltowski tells us more.

JDziewaltowski 7

Friday 24 May 2013 19:26

After speaking with the chief of police, the officer who stopped me, and a lawyer, we've all come to the conclusion that yes, it was a case of excessive force. The officer took a split second glance, and "panicked" No I'm not sue happy, I got my apology, even though I could take it to court, win, and "**** the police" I'm not. At the end of the conversation, we even had a laugh at the fact that officer aggression needs a chill pill. Although I did get a pretty decent bruise on my chest/shoulder. No harm done.

By david - 28/04/2009 14:08 - United States

Today, I decided to smoke a cigarette while I was driving to work. I was also eating french fries during the drive. I had never realized how much a cigarette feels like a french fry. In conclusion, cigarettes don't taste very good when you bite into them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 160

You deserved it 111 394

By Mylifesucks - 23/05/2013 05:11 - United States - Lexington

Today, I was stuck in my apartment complex's elevator. I was shouting out for help when a voice came screaming, "This is the fire department." I was relieved until he said, "Just kidding." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 327

You deserved it 3 433

By kenken5 - 19/06/2019 01:51

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 407

You deserved it 387

By Anonymous - 30/09/2015 10:18 - United Kingdom - Southam

Today, I got called a "politically correct loser" by a woman at the supermarket, all because I said I didn't want to find out the gender of my baby until birth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 290

You deserved it 2 130

By Anonymous - 21/06/2019 20:00

Today, I was walking on the street when a woman in front of me dropped a couple of dollars. I picked them up and chased her to return it all. She insisted that it wasn't hers. I tried to tell her it was, but she wouldn't accept it. A cop saw me and arrested me for solicitation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 014

You deserved it 197

Oooh nooooooo

By eternal - 24/06/2019 18:00

Today, while at the drive-thru at Sonic, they told me they were out of mozzarella sticks. I shed actual tears. I’m not even pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 1 259

Nice

By wtf? - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother compared having me as a daughter to having a deadly kind of cancer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 882

You deserved it 5 786

Privacy

By whyme27 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - South Bend

Today, I was talking on the phone to my crush so I went into the bathroom for some privacy. My drunk mother started banging on the door, asking what I was doing in there. I told her that I was on the phone, so she yelled super loud, "While you're shitting?" He immediately hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 965

You deserved it 4 493

By tampondealer - 09/11/2009 18:42 - Canada

Today, after visiting my mom, she stuffed a bunch of pads in my backpack so I'd have some at my dorm. When I was going through security, I was stopped and ended up missing my flight. Apparently the jumbo pads my mom sent look exactly like packs of cocaine when they go through the X-ray machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 156

You deserved it 2 799

By Anonymous - 03/07/2019 04:01

Today, my dog got out and ran off at 8 p.m., so I had 11 friends and family looking in the freezing cold night for it until 11:30 p.m. Turns out, the dog was locked in the garage the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 067

You deserved it 1 312

Creepy but funny

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "Recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 883

You deserved it 3 113

By Anonymous - 09/07/2014 01:20 - United States - Charlotte

Today, I discovered that my best friend has been telling everyone at our workplace that I'm faking my pregnancy for attention. She was at every single one of my ultrasounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 227

You deserved it 3 863

By Anonymous - 30/09/2010 13:25 - United States

Today, I was given new meds, and apparently my body doesn't understand the difference between "may cause stomach upset" and "you will crap yourself as you have an orgasm while having sex with your boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 178

You deserved it 5 486

Horn section

By Anonymous - 09/03/2021 21:30

Today, I matched with someone on a dating app. The first thing they said to me was, "What is the chance that you are the trombone player living below me and would you please stop playing after 9 p.m.?" I am that trombone player and due to Covid I have to practice a lot in my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 561

You deserved it 1 846

By rachelllynne - 09/05/2013 17:44 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, the woman I babysat for blamed me for the cut on her son's face, and fired me with no pay for not looking after him properly. He already had the cut when I arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 874

You deserved it 3 153

Give it to me, Sheldon!

By oh lord - 27/05/2012 16:06 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 610

You deserved it 16 992

Private Catholic school?

By Anonymous - 14/03/2021 23:01

Today, I had to write an argumentative essay about the morality of homosexuality. The prompt actually uses the phrase "the dangers of homosexuality." I'm bisexual. FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 250

Midlife crisis

By Husband for sale - 02/06/2022 02:00

Today, I had to inform my midlife-crisis husband that the "weed" he had "scored" from his "dealer down the pub" was actually just a lot of mixed herbs. He refused to believe me and smoked it anyway, I mean, I'm only a chef in a restaurant, what do I know about herbs? He's still coughing by the way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 165

You deserved it 131

By wvugirl - 19/04/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 931

You deserved it 5 495

By boblaj - 22/05/2012 16:11 - United Kingdom - Hastings

Today, I took the day off work to be with my wife, since she's always bemoaning my lack of romantic gestures. As thanks, she spent most of the day reading Fifty Shades of Grey, which is basically a blatant plagiarism of Twilight, starring a pair of two-dimensional BDSM freaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 881

You deserved it 4 040

By Oh. - 23/07/2019 02:00

Today, I told my dad that failing to kill yourself must be really awful, because you think you’ve failed your life and then you even fail your death. My dad who, as I recalled when he shot me a sour look, tried to commit suicide during his youth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 623

You deserved it 2 528

By Anonymous - 20/06/2014 23:53 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my husband decided that if he's not hungry, then I'm not allowed to make myself any food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 008

You deserved it 5 857

Rush job

By ananomoose - 15/04/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said, "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 707

You deserved it 94 108

By Anonymous - 26/07/2019 04:00

Today, I came out of my bedroom to find my mom doing yoga in my hallway. Naked. She doesn't seem to think there's any problem with this. It's my house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 903

You deserved it 149

By hcfan - 14/04/2009 11:18 - Australia

Today, a customer came in to the Pizza store where I work and complained that the food they had purchased had a strand of black hair in it. After some deliberation, my boss decided to fire me. He is the only staff member there with black hair. I shaved my hair 2 weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86 426

You deserved it 3 563

By Anonymous - 27/04/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am, because when he saw my actual boobs, he said, "Aaaaaaand they're gone". FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 704

You deserved it 15 441

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, at a science-fiction convention, a woman came up to me and told me that my white face paint was a mess, my contacts looked cheap, and my costume was an all-round failure. I wasn't wearing a costume, I'm an albino. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 132

You deserved it 3 063

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends ranted on about how I am such a crappy girlfriend and how all of his friends don't like me. I just spent over $200 on a surprise party that I invited them all to last weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 531

You deserved it 3 493

Today, I went to the bathroom and didn't realize my skirt was tucked in my ugliest underwear until I reached the elevator. Thanks for not telling me girl-in-the-yellow-shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 452

You deserved it 5 137

Today, I was scrolling through Instagram when I got a new follow suggestion. I checked her feed, and found out it was my ex-fiancé’s newest fiancée. And he'd proposed to her using an $185 ring I'd bought myself for my birthday last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 909

You deserved it 179

Today, I saw an elderly woman in need of help of crossing a street. I helped her across. On the way she just about fell and held onto me to keep from hitting the ground. After she left on her bus I reached for my wallet. It was gone. I had just been robbed by a 70 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 764

You deserved it 4 100

Today, my very handsome, fit, Russian boyfriend tried to make me feel better about being a little overweight by telling me, "It's okay, you're American, everyone expects you to be fat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 963

You deserved it 15 937