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What are you doing here then?

By Nikki - 27/07/2012 13:45 - United States - Newark

Today, my live-in-boyfriend lost his job. Jokingly, I told him that we weren't going to have sex until he found a new job. He then turned to me with the most excited look I have ever seen on his face and said, "I'm going to stay unemployed forever!" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 013

You deserved it 9 285

By Operation Yewtree here I come - 26/09/2014 20:40 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was sitting on a bench at the local park, eating a banana. A guy old enough to be my grandfather walked by, turned to look at me, then said "Young man, I wish I were that banana." He walked away, and I almost blacked out choking on it in shock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 389

You deserved it 4 219

By Sen728 - 25/09/2014 02:10 - United States - East Haven

Today, my mom threw away a bag of tiny parts belonging to a $1,700 robot. Naturally, I figured this out at midnight and had to spend 30 minutes digging through three nasty trashcans overflowing with rotten food and spiders. The bag was dripping with what looked like cheese by the time I found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 943

You deserved it 3 006

Sen728 tells us more.

Sen728 6

Thursday 25 September 2014 19:51

This is my first FML, so I'm actually really surprised that it got posted. I collect robots and the robot in question is a robotic dog called a Genibo SD which I was partially disassembling to replace its battery at the time. I had to go searching for the parts immediately since that night was trash night and if I had waited until morning, they would have been long gone. I did leave the bag sitting on a table where I had been working, but it was next to a bunch of screwdrivers so I didn't think it would be mistaken for trash (though I admit it was partially my fault for not moving the bag somewhere safer). I'm not upset with my mom, she's a great person and had no way of knowing that the parts were important. Aha, I obviously don't enjoy tearing through trash bags in the middle of the night, but it was definitely a better outcome than if the parts had been taken away by the dump truck.

OK Boomer

By Nicks - 03/07/2013 15:10 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mother-in-lawyer threatened to sue me unless I took my professional wedding photographs off Facebook, as she didn't like that they made her look fat. She is over 300 pounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 498

You deserved it 4 824

By verycre8tive - 21/05/2009 07:31 - Romania

Today, after a few drinks my dad decided to tell me the story of how I was born. He wanted a baby girl after my brother, and mum didn't want any more children. So he tricked her by giving her the wrong pill. That should explain a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 657

You deserved it 2 733

By BlootheBawss - 03/09/2011 04:48 - United States

Today, I have been released from jail because my idiot friends decided to get me a surprise hooker for my birthday. Turns out "Candy" was actually an undercover cop. My friends ditched me. I was the only one arrested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 319

You deserved it 4 634

Bloothebawss tells us more.

Bloothebawss 9

Sunday 4 September 2011 2:36

It's illegal where I live. And yeah, I'm working in the new friends thing.

10 out of 10 for originality

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my neighbor declared his love for me via "the medium of interpretative dance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 352

You deserved it 3 337

By TOOshort - 23/04/2019 16:00

Today, several of my apartment complex neighbors walked right by me as I struggled to clean the inches thick, icy snow off of my SUV. I’m 4’11. Not one person offered to assist me, even after I slipped and fell several times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 566

You deserved it 2 327

By Anonymous - 08/11/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, trying to be cute, I told my soon-to-be husband he was the ying to my yang. He responded with, "Baby, you're the Monica Lewinsky to my Bill Clinton." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 570

You deserved it 8 487

By Audrey Anna Grace Somers - 12/05/2019 14:00

Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 690

You deserved it 360

By tagteam - 05/07/2012 16:30 - United States - Worcester

Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 521

You deserved it 2 782

Fried

By RandomLG94 - 31/10/2015 20:35 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was fired from my job because I would "scare" the customers. Two days ago, a coworker spilled fry oil onto the grill, causing flames to singe my eyebrows and the front of my hair off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 050

You deserved it 1 581

FML's Showdown #5

By Louis - 19/04/2017 21:30 - France - Saint-jean-de-braye

This week's contest is a mixture of how-to, magic tricks and singing (if you can call it that). Check it out.

I agree, your life sucks 826

You deserved it 220

By nhyari - 25/08/2014 18:58 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my girlfriend got her period. It seemed more painful for her than usual, so I offered to go out and buy some painkillers and maybe some chocolate for her. She thought I was being sarcastic and slapped me so hard I saw stars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 185

You deserved it 4 172

By Anonymous - 12/06/2013 02:12 - United States

Today, my mother came into my workplace to wail on me for "ruining our family's reputation" because I got a girl pregnant. I've been married to the "girl" for 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 316

You deserved it 3 323

By phonemenace - 17/08/2011 09:50 - United States

Today, I counted the amount of stuff that my dad had bought within a week: a brand new boat, car, and truck. He also has countless gadgets at his office, including a 60" television. Our house is literally falling apart but Mr. Midlife-crisis won't do anything to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 818

You deserved it 2 834

By Guessmyproffhatesme - 13/12/2016 19:54

Today, in exams to become a funeral director, my full name was used as the example of the deceased in a few questions. Actually, 22 questions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 644

You deserved it 632

By NeedToBeMessier - 17/10/2015 21:32 - United States - Hardwick

Today, the couple I've been housesitting for returned. Apparently, I kept the place too clean, and they don't believe that I actually stayed here. They're refusing to pay me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 628

You deserved it 1 659

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 04:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 248

You deserved it 39 355

By ksmith - 09/08/2011 04:59 - United States

Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 968

You deserved it 5 245

Class act

By raspberrysachere - 03/06/2019 16:00

Today, I was in yoga class. We were in downward-facing dog pose, and the male instructor stood behind me and gave me an assist/adjustment by pulling upward on my hips. As I left the class, I realized that was the most intimate touch I've ever received from a man. I'm a 25-year-old straight woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 259

By Poorphone - 08/12/2016 17:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my car got stuck in a foot of snow. I tried desperately digging around my wheels to see if it would help. I was finally able to get out 10 minutes later only to realize that I had dropped my phone in the snow while I was digging and had run over it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 890

You deserved it 1 041

Book it!

By Kiera Ayala - 08/06/2019 12:00

Today, I got into bed as my cat crept under it. I then heard him gagging, so I instantly got back up to get him out, because my floor is carpeted. As I pulled him into the hall, he flew upwards, made a horrific "Blagh!" sound, projectile vomited everywhere, then hit the wall and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 618

You deserved it 324

Dumbass

By idated a moron - 10/06/2019 16:07

Today, while making plans with my boyfriend, I told him we could have lunch after my appointment with the gynecologist. He started screaming, cussing and calling me a whore. According to him, women only go to the gyno if they have an STD, which I must’ve gotten from cheating. He’s an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 351

You deserved it 338

My little boy

By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years-old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 936

You deserved it 3 489

By illuminatzi - 03/10/2015 02:32 - United States - Temple

Today, I was running late for work. I forgot my name tag and work hat at home, but my boss is pretty laid back, so I wasn't worried about it. Five minutes into my shift, the district supervisor walked in for a surprise employee inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 483

You deserved it 6 030

By Mindersss - 01/10/2015 10:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I started my new job. Not even 2 hours in did some old man ask me where I live, what's my number, and if I was interested in being with him and his friends. This guy is at least over 50 and works with me. I left my old job because some old men kept asking the same things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 568

You deserved it 2 215

Mindersss tells us more.

Mindersss 20

Friday 2 October 2015 12:38

Hey! wow this was actually posted. I work in an apprentice, I do business and admin. I am only 19 years old. I have taken it up with my office manager and HR. These guys are just creeps and have been told to stay away from me. For those who say "well you must be doing something" I am not. I dress in jeans and a top, nothing is on show, and even if it was, it does not give them the right to ask where I live and that. I have never given out where I live. I actually have a boyfriend, and if they ask me out, I do tell them, but even if I was single it is none of their business. Thank you to everyone who did back me up, and to those who are saying I must be doing something, please just leave, I do not have time for your comments. I am not to blame here, the guy was, he is married, (could tell from the ring on his finger) and if he has kids, he should be so ashamed! I am only 19!