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By anonymous - 03/12/2009 06:55 - United States

Today, I found out that me and my best friend are both pregnant. We live together, and both had one night stands with the same guy. Now we are going to be each raising his children in the same house while he has decided to "not get involved" and move to a different state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 784

You deserved it 82 752

By Kbug - 28/04/2019 00:00

Today, while my man of almost 5 years was playing a video game with his friends, during one of the conversations they were having, one of his childhood friends asked “What do you see in her?” He replied, “I don't know, it’s more of an entrapment type of thing.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 503

You deserved it 337

By Potato_Lord - 12/11/2015 04:11 - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 797

You deserved it 1 481

By Anonymous - 10/09/2014 03:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend went shopping at Victoria's Secret with me. While she was in the fitting room, her parents walked by and saw me. They don't approve of the store, so I panicked and told them I was considering becoming a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 639

You deserved it 14 104

By Baby Bethy - 25/12/2016 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to bed at noon after having driven 11 hours from Washington to Maine. I missed my flight due to a delayed plane, and was told there were no open flights the next 2 days. I'd been driving my $200 rental car for 1.5 hrs when the airport told me, over the phone, that there was in fact a flight available. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 776

You deserved it 587

By Anonymous - 31/10/2015 00:47 - United States - Pensacola

Today, my parents searched my younger sister's phone because she had been acting suspiciously. I asked my mom if she was going to search mine too. She laughed and said, "Sweetie, your phone is probably even duller than mine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 841

You deserved it 2 867

By cpizzle12 - 29/10/2015 10:20 - United States - Manassas

Today, I got fired from my job a week before I started my new position in a different area of the company. My supervisor found out I was going to be making more money than her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 041

You deserved it 1 605

cpizzle12 tells us more.

cpizzle12 7

Wednesday 18 November 2015 7:37

UPDATE: I talked with VP of sales s( he was going to be my new boss) .. And apparently something much more is going on that involves HR. HR drama going on I guess.. He will be further investigating this week and questioning the head HR lady that fired me. He called me today to get my side of the story.. Also asked me to email my resume to him. Lord willing the truth will be revealed!! I will update later when I find out more!

Bad boys bad boys

By Tom - 17/08/2011 18:27 - United States

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 440

You deserved it 108 544

By Moron with reflexes - 29/05/2019 06:03

Today, I thought I felt a spider crawling by my eye. Having a huge fear of spiders, like an idiot, I lamped myself in square in the eye. I now have a partial black eye because of what turned out to be a feather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 229

You deserved it 996

LEAVE ME ALONE

By sleepless - This FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, it's the third day that I can't sleep. Somewhere in my room, there's a mosquito craving for my blood, and every time I'm about to fall asleep, I can hear it flying around. I'm covered in bites, even in places that barely see the daylight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 135

You deserved it 260

Dodged a bullet

By mama - 30/06/2019 07:09

Today, I went to the doctor's office after getting a positive pregnancy test. She did another one to confirm the result, which came back negative. My husband is wandering around with a great big smile on his face, because he isn't going to "have a rugrat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 047

You deserved it 427

By brob56 - 23/04/2009 03:11 - United States

Today, I was talking to my hot neighbor. We were in the driveway of her house, and I looked at her car and noticed a hideous dummy. It was fat and just ugly, but I didn't think much of it. I tried to make a joke and asked, "Where did you get that awful thing?" She said, "That's my daughter". FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 853

You deserved it 82 776

By Anownimous - 18/09/2015 19:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 50-something coworker followed through on his threat to file a defamation lawsuit against me. All because I jokingly said "pedo" after he bragged to everyone that his girlfriend is a smoking hot 19-year-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 799

You deserved it 5 695

Kinda cruel

By Anon E. Mouse - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Waterville

Today, my ex told me about how much the person she left me for loves the lingerie I bought her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 465

You deserved it 2 315

By Anon - 06/09/2015 12:50 - United Kingdom - Stafford

Today, my ex-fiancée's new boyfriend phoned me to ask what her ring size is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 885

You deserved it 1 826

By monkeywrench - 30/08/2015 11:29 - Sweden

Today, I was hit by acute food poisoning while attending a colleague's birthday party at his home. The toilet had a door that wouldn't close all the way, there were only three sheets of toilet paper left, and I had to walk home through town, in a dress, with my soiled underwear in a plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 992

You deserved it 1 799

By Gurior - 16/04/2013 17:44 - Canada

Today, my virginal girlfriend of a year graduated from veterinary school. She can shove her arm shoulder-deep up a cow's ass without blinking, but still feels too insecure to even touch my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 465

You deserved it 19 632

Gurior tells us more.

Gurior 4

Wednesday 17 April 2013 0:17

This is brillant.

By Anonymous - 19/09/2016 17:29 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, at a tutoring center, one of the tutors looked at my worksheet and laughed. She then showed all the other tutors my mistakes and they laughed along with her. The best part? They all speak Chinese and they think I can't understand them. I'm Chinese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 867

You deserved it 873

By Anonymous - 04/04/2009 19:04 - United States

Today, completely nude, I had to collect my clothes around the boy’s apartment I have been sleeping with for awhile. While his girlfriend watched to make sure I “got the fuck out.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 336

You deserved it 181 088

By H8TR - 26/08/2010 13:32 - United States

Today, I had to use my butthole to negotiate with my husband so I can get a new tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 652

You deserved it 54 230

You two know each other?

By TheBuster - 05/09/2017 01:30

Today, I surprised my wife with a spa day during our mini vacation with the kids. I booked her a facial and mani/pedi at the resort, figuring I would take the kids while she relaxed. Her reaction? "I hate the spa. Why would you waste that money? I'm not going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 510

You deserved it 777

By Anonymous - 20/04/2014 04:03 - United States - Meridian

Today, my guide dog sneezed so hard that it slammed its head on the floor and knocked itself out. I have to trust this dog with my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 303

You deserved it 5 054

Paper-thin walls

By Lauren Davies - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I had to tell my 4 year-old, "I'm wiping my butt right now, I can't get you a drink. Please wait a minute." I distinctly heard my neighbor laughing through the bathroom window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 865

You deserved it 439

By Anonymous - 16/08/2016 17:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 699

You deserved it 1 603

By novacabudsforme - 15/08/2016 10:11 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, my mother told me that I could take a friend on vacation with us. Then she added that because I have no friends, my brother can bring his girlfriend instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 212

You deserved it 1 009

By displeased - 05/04/2012 06:47 - United States - Candler

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is afraid of female orgasms. Right as I was about to climax, he panicked, pulled out, and ran into the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 813

You deserved it 3 573

By sw2f2fchik612 - 04/08/2016 02:01 - United States - Snellville

Today, I was sitting on the floor petting my cat. Something that felt like a rock was jabbing into my leg so I reached down to remove it. It was an ancient, rock-hard piece of dung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 823

You deserved it 1 747

sw2f2fchik612 tells us more.

sw2f2fchik612 12

Thursday 4 August 2016 23:11

This is my FML. And yay, I finally got one published! Anyway, yes it was inside on the floor and yes, it was freakin' gross haha. I had just come home after being away for several weeks for those saying I haven't been cleaning lol. I didn't see it because it blended in with the color of the rug. It actually hurt when I sat down on it. I can only assume one of the dogs snuck it from the litter box as they tend to do.

By Mandy - 26/03/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, I learned why the phrase "seafood taco salad" terrifies everyone in the school's cafeteria. What happened to me after eating it made Saw III look like a Disney movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 960

You deserved it 4 025