Nearly FMLs

By bignome - 28/01/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I get up, do my normal routine, then walk out of the bathroom and open my windows wearing nothing but underwear, a bra and open shirt, and there's two mexicans staring at me from the roof. I wish my parents told me they were gonna fix the roof today. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By MackeyBoy - 23/01/2010 18:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a girl she was beautiful on the inside and out. She still didn't sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 484

You deserved it 74 274

By Charlie - 24/11/2009 05:55 - Australia

Today, I asked my boss to credit an invoice I entered incorrectly. His respose to me was, stop and think about what I'm doing before acting as I make many mistakes. Ten minutes later, I did it again. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By md - 24/11/2009 05:03 - Canada

Today, i got an alarm installed in my car, and was having problems with it not going off when the car was hit. To demonstrate this to the installers, I bumped my car with my hip, which left a huge dent, and set the alarm off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

By Efilyn - 22/11/2009 06:00 - United States

Today I was driving around town with my friends. Feeling hungry, I asked them if we should stop and eat. They agreed and we all went to a very fancy restaurant that I have been to many times. As soon as we're in, a lady says, "No fatties allowed." and proceeds to shoo us in front of all of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

By krznena - 22/11/2009 05:57 - United States

I met a hot guy at the mall while he was working. I agreed to meet him after his shift was over, outside in the parking lot. When I came face to face he was 5'3" tall. Turns out he was standing on a platform while working behind the register. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 2

By RedSam - 22/11/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, my grandparents arrived for my sis's wedding. Haven't seen them in a while & Grandma said she couldn't believe I'd "gotten boobies"; my grandpa said that he needed to get his magnifying glass. Then Grandma said, "They're so perky!" and reached for a handful. I was felt up by my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Lonely - 22/11/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I was watching the 40 year old virgin, and I realized that it isn't that big of a deal. Why? I am a 50 year old virgin, and will most likely spend my last few years without ever having had more than a sock for intimate company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By walletwoes - 22/11/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I found out I lost my wallet and that someone was using it through my credit history. I now have no money, no credit or debit, no ID, and I go to college across the country from my home. I can't fly home for Thanksgiving without an ID. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Dumbnut - 22/11/2009 04:11

Today, a lamp fell on my head. Why? Because I was looking for my glasses and knocked it. Where were my glasses? On my head. Yes they are now broken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By ouch - 22/11/2009 03:58 - New Zealand

Today, I hooked up with a guy that I've liked for months. Immediately after, he told me not to tell anyone because I would ruin his chances with any other girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 04:38 - Australia

Today, I was out walking on a main road. I was getting a few honks so I started feeling really good about myself, I kept doing a few hair flicks and started strutting holding my head up high. This is, of course, until I ran straight into a telephone pole. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

News to me

By Anonymous - 04/08/2009 23:50 - Canada

Today, I was wearing my favorite tube top to the mall when a girl walked up and said, "I have that exact same skirt, why are you wearing it as a top?" I've been wearing it for two years, and no one's bothered to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 709

You deserved it 51 696

By Fred - 27/06/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I realized that my company's calendar is synchronized throughout the whole building. The entire company now knows that I made love to my wife last Wednesday and Friday, and that I went out with a girl named Janet on Saturday. My wife's name is Julie, and she works in the same building. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 958

You deserved it 185 901

By honeymoondisaster - 23/05/2009 04:44 - United States

Today, was my wedding night. We had decided to wait until marriage to have sex. When I undressed and smiled at my new wife, she burst into tears and cried, "please don't make me do this." FML

I agree, your life sucks 235 111

You deserved it 26 148

By OnlyChild - 16/05/2009 00:05

Today, I was expecting a package from UPS. So I got dressed up, did my make-up, and basically made myself presentable. Unfortunately, I fell asleep and woke up to find the package waiting for me on the porch. I then realized that I am indeed a sad, lonely person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By buahahapoodlelicker - 15/05/2009 23:55

Today, my girlfriend was sick so I took her 46 year old daughter out to eat. Half-way through our "date" she asks me loudly "Can we go back to the car now and take our clothes off please?" Apparently she meant her toy dog's clothes. Face burning, we left a half laughing/half glaring crowd behind.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 15/05/2009 23:43

I just got dumped on my way home from my grandfather's funeral, via e-mail, while on a bus, stuck in traffic with nowhere to go....FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 15/05/2009 23:23

Today, I got a new blue tooth for my phone, I was driving home from the mall singing at the top of my lungs. Did you know that when you first use your blue tooth it puts your phone on auto-answer? I didnt. until I noticed I had a text from my stepmom saying " hahaha! I love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By smiley_smalls - 15/05/2009 23:21

Today, i was fooling around with a friend with benefits...turns out, he has herpes. guess who else does? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Kaylarenee - 15/05/2009 23:21

Today i read FML for six hours... Only to find out that my crush called me four times to see if i wanted to do something tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By myfamily - 15/05/2009 23:17

Today, I was cooking a deer but didn't tell the kids what it was. I proceeded to tell them it was what their mother always called me. They then ran out of the room screaming "Get out! He's cooking a f****** dick!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

By givemeabreak1994 - 15/05/2009 23:16

Today, I was on the couch waiting for my family to be finally ready so we could leave. I guess i kinda doze off because the next thing i knew the family is gone. "Hey, we saw that you were sleeping and didn't want to wake you. we'll tell you about Star Trek when we get home"i bought the tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By secondarrow2 - 15/05/2009 23:13

Today, when I went to use the school bathroom, I heard this moaning sound in one of the stalls and i hear this banging sound like someone is jacking off. It opens to my friend of 4 years with a sea turtle in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 1

By setsunaela - 15/05/2009 23:13

Today, I listened to my 15 year old brother play a game and scream "God F***ing D***it that C*** licking W**** Slut B*****d won't let me F***ing move!" etc in front of my mom and he was told to "please calm down". I said "shit" stubbing my toe and got sent to my room until I could behave. I'm 22.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 15/05/2009 23:13

Today, My boyfriend and I were telling eachother how much we loved eachother and he was telling me how sexy I am, he then proceeded to tell me how i'm not as hot as his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By spex11 - 15/05/2009 23:11

Today, I opened my e-mail account to e-mail my teacher about the homework. To my surprise, I see in the "To" box, a message asking a woman to a date. It was signed Rodney. Rodney's my dads name. He's been married for 23 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By lonelyone - 15/05/2009 23:09

Today, I was hanging out with five of my friends. The two guys just got together with two of the three girls. I observed that me and my friend were the only two left, and jokingly suggested that we get together. She looks at me, laughts, and says, "Ha, you wish!" I was rejected by my own friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 15/05/2009 23:09

Today, I went out on a date with this guy. He thought it would be cool to grab some drinks at the bar. We sat outside for a bit to talk. After we went back to my place. While getting comfy, he said "Hey I'll be right back. I left my cell in the car." He then left in his car and didn't even tell me.

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

By jk - 15/05/2009 23:09

Today, I was pleasuring myself in my room on my laptop when a third party came into the porno and i thought it resembled my mom in her younger years, i ignored that fact and continued. When i was done i figured i'd humor myself and google the porn stars real names from the film my mom was listed FML

I agree, your life sucks 2

You deserved it 0

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The Top

Today, my health insurance has finally gone digital, so I sent them a message through their webpage, asking a question. I then got an email, telling me they'd replied. I had to log into their webpage again to see the reply, which read, "A letter concerning your question has been sent to you by post." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 93

Today, being the clean freak that I am, I bought an expensive pair of 'mop socks'. As I walked upstairs to show everyone, I slipped on the corner of the bottom step and landed on my face, breaking my toe in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 329

You deserved it 5 106

Today, I got home an hour late from to find that my roommate had left the fridge open for the entire 8 hours. The kicker is that I was an hour late because I was at the grocery store, not buying the things that were getting ruined because I thought we had some. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 88

Today, I managed to electrocute myself on a plug socket while I was showing a group of trainee electricians how not to electrocute themselves while rewiring a plug socket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 247

You deserved it 1 625

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 1 216

Today, the area I live in is so rural that the nearest Starbucks is a one-hour drive away. And in another country. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 468

You deserved it 1 322