Nearly FMLs

By sadclitoris - 18/01/2016 01:41 - United States - Martinez

Today, in attempt to be sexy, my boyfriend used his teeth to remove my panties. He decided to pull it off from the middle, and ended up biting my clitoris really hard in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 18/01/2016 01:39 - United States - San Francisco

My sister played a prank on me and slipped laxative in my morning coffee. She then locked the bathroom door and left through the window. She didn't tell me she left so for 3 hours I lived in hell. Finally popped the lock and found the room empty. FML

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You deserved it 0

By dragoongirl90 - 18/01/2016 01:38 - United States - Redding

Today, after telling me for weeks he wanted to marry me, calling me his wife, and after convincing me to start trying for a baby, which we did, my boyfriend dumped me. I might be pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 1

By helptheorphans - 18/01/2016 01:35 - Canada - Oakville

Today, a girl asked me out. when I rejected her, she started to tell me how meeting me was the only good thing in her life and that I shouldn't have been leading her on. I met her yesterday and we talked for a few minutes. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By grungycookie07 - 18/01/2016 01:32 - Canada - Petawawa

Today, I was invited to a passionate party with my best friend for our good friends wedding, so we had to go to the sex shop to pick our toys out & when I walked in, I looked over and saw my parents 'browsing' . I've never ran so fast in my life. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 1

You deserved it 0

By Andrew6499 - 18/01/2016 00:40 - United States - Columbus

Today, a very attractive girl told I'm not like other guys. She said I'm more "potato-like." FML.

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You deserved it 0

By rainbowicasiano - 18/01/2016 00:31 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was sitting in English class when the girl next to me opened a bag of chips. She finished what she wanted and pawned the bag off on me, even though I didn't want any. Of course, I sit in the front and the teacher only noticed the chips when I had them. I got in trouble. FML

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You deserved it 0

By EvaChan - 18/01/2016 00:23 - United States - Warrenton

Today, I found out my two best friends, both girls, are dating each other. One of them I have had a huge crush on for the longest time. She had told me she had no interest in girls, a week before. FML...

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You deserved it 0

By RabbitOfAurora - 18/01/2016 00:12 - Australia - Springvale South

Today, like every other day, I'm moderating FMLs. I will never understand what's so difficult about starting a sentence with "Today" and ending with "FML." It's genuinly concerning how many people can't follow a basic set of instructions. This is why I hate people. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 1

By feven - 17/01/2016 23:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I talked to an old man about my nationality, our religious beliefs, and his wife. After getting a lecture about marrying a Christian man, he immediately then told me that he would have pleasured me with his tongue had I been just a few years older. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

By mliajkfml - 17/01/2016 23:52 - United States

Today, my friends bought me the winning numbers for a small lottery the day after it was announced, then recorded it. I truly believed I won and proceeded to buy at least 1,000 dollars worth of stuff online. They waited a week to tell me it was fake. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Misinterpreted Much? - 17/01/2016 23:37 - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, I heard the rocking bed from my sister's room. I thought she was jumping on the bed I walked up to her door to tell her to stop. She didn't hear me so I opened the door to catch her having sex with her boyfriend. FML

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You deserved it 0

By anonymous0014 - 17/01/2016 23:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend stopped in the middle of sex to tell me I have a freckle on my butt. FML.

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 22:53 - United Kingdom - Newcastle Upon Tyne

Today, I spent an hour on the bus to surprise my boyfriend by meeting him after work. He then texted me, informing me he was getting a lift home. FML

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You deserved it 0

By uchihadesendent - 17/01/2016 22:52 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, I washed my face and dried it off with a towel and found my dad's pubic hair in my mouth and I feel sick to my stomach. FML

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You deserved it 0

By cycler - 17/01/2016 22:43 - Germany - Berlin

Today, I did something that I didn't do for twenty years. I rode the bike to work to be on time. Riding over an icy road I tripped, fell, hurt my back, and was late for the meeting. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By The_ghetto_mango - 17/01/2016 22:36 - United States - Peculiar

Today, I awakened to have my very drunk and lesbian roommate ask me out, puke on the carpet, and have violent sex with a pillowcase. Her excuse hours later? "Oh, I just had a few too many drinks." We don't have any "drinks" in our apartment. FML

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You deserved it 0

By Anonymous - 17/01/2016 22:36 - United States

Today, I discovered my granny uses carrots instead of a vibrator. We have been eating those carrots and trusting that they were pre-washed. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By PowerPork - 17/01/2016 22:11 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up hung over so bad, I was praying for the sweet release of death. I turned my head and noticed I had company in my bed. Naked company. I was happy until she turned over. I almost threw up from looking at her. I felt too guilty to make her leave, so now we're out to lunch. Yay! FML.

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You deserved it 0

By fionabean - 17/01/2016 21:59 - United States

Today, I borrowed my friend's rad hat. Later, I was in the public bathroom, and bent over to wipe someone's stray pube off the toilet seat with a piece of toilet paper. His hat fell into the toilet, along with my dignity. I had to fish it out with my hand. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By seahawk_gman - 17/01/2016 21:51 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girl accused me of not kissing and hugging her enough (she "noticed" this in last 4 days). I have been suffering from severe cough and cold since last week and didn't wanted to get her sick. FML

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You deserved it 0

By HomieBun - 17/01/2016 21:50 - Sweden - Sandviken

Today, I chopped some chili. I forgot to wash my hands and got it in my eye. Later my boyfriend was fingering me. Apperently he forgot it too, fml.

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You deserved it 0

By anonymous - 17/01/2016 21:48 - United States - Rochester

Today, my boss asked my coworker to go with her to an amazing conference later this year because it is free for students. She isn't a student, but I am. FML

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You deserved it 0

By kayteakay - 17/01/2016 21:26 - United States - Fallon

Today, while throwing up, I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Now I can't stand up straight. I thought the stomach flu couldn't get any worse. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By heartbroken - 17/01/2016 21:26 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. We share a car, own a dog, and our lease won't be up for another 8 months. FML

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You deserved it 0

By PiggSnaps - 17/01/2016 21:16 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out my parents got their parenting style from a book called "Tough Love". So, on Thanksgiving, I woke up at 1030am, which was unacceptable in their eyes, since they left for my relative's without me, taking every shoe, every phone, and every cable cord with them. I was stuck. FML.

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You deserved it 0

By PuckYouToTheFace - 17/01/2016 20:54 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to use the bathroom at my boyfriends house, and left the door open since no one was home. Unfortunately his dad came back early from skiing. Despite being able to kick the door shut in time, he obviously heard me loudly pooping. I come here every weekend. FML

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You deserved it 0

By The_ghetto_mango - 17/01/2016 20:47 - United States - Peculiar

Today, I read a book on sex. I followed the instructions. Now I'm single. FML

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You deserved it 0

By NoBalance - 17/01/2016 20:44

Today, I was standing on a crowded train to get to work. There was nothing for me to hold onto and as I have bad balance, I ended up falling into a very attractive man. One of the women standing near me said, "Now that's falling for someone!" FML

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You deserved it 0

By tomlizard - 17/01/2016 20:24 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Last week my 19 year old daughter decided she is now an at home nudist hippy. Strangely today the guys at work decided from now on the weekly poker game will be at my house. FML

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You deserved it 0

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The Top

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 742

You deserved it 3 729

Today, after searching online and in the newspaper for an affordable used vehicle, I finally came across one that wasn't a scam or the seller lying about the actual condition of the vehicle. It was legit and and sold about 10 minutes after the seller gave me his info for me to go look at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 100

Today, this coming January in 2024 will be our 3 year anniversary, with loads of engagement talk in the air. Even though I found, "Congrats, you've earned Tinder VIP Status !" on my boyfriend's phone from about 8 months ago. I literally feel sick to my stomach. I was also in the hospital sick when he apparently did this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 597

You deserved it 177

Today, a haunted house opened up next to my restaurant and they've gotten into the habit of scaring me as I'm cleaning up at night. They stay open for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 864

You deserved it 2 221

Today, I had leg surgery. While I was recovering in the hospital, my boyfriend dumped me. I then had to ride home, a 2-hour drive, listening to my mother and aunt tell me he was the best thing to happen to me, and that I'll never find a better man. Then the morphine wore off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 735

You deserved it 2 743

Today, I was talking to a really cute guy. He leaned closer and I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he leaned back, laughed and said, "Wow. You're growing a mustache." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 810

You deserved it 7 571