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By Anonymous - 13/02/2013 11:47 - United Kingdom - Stevenston

Spicy

Today, the guy I like and his friend came home with me to work on a project. I opened my front door and my mum was at the top of the stairs completely naked, bent over, drying her hair with the hairdryer. It took a few moments for her to realise we were there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 341

You deserved it 3 113

Mixed feelings

By thefriedman - 12/02/2013 04:59 - United States - Perris

Spicy

Today, I realized that the air freshener in my bathroom and the air freshener in my girlfriend's bedroom are the exact same scent. Now, every time I go to the bathroom I get an erection, and every time my girlfriend and I have sex in her room, I think about shitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 646

You deserved it 8 715

By Allie - 03/06/2010 18:58 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 086

You deserved it 26 514

City boy

By Anonymous - 29/06/2021 00:01

Today, my boyfriend realised that I’m from the part of Louisiana where we hunt gators for food, and dumped me because he doesn’t want to be a city boy who ends up fathering redneck kids, and having to sail through swamps to visit the in-laws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 200

Method acting

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 05:08 - United Kingdom - Frome

Spicy

Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 652

You deserved it 45 090

Not too fond of the chair

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 881

You deserved it 36 558

Keep it clean

By germy germs - 02/07/2021 04:01 - United States

Today, my wife bitched at me for not washing my hands before handling the dishes. The dirty dishes. That were sitting in a sink of hot soapy water. According to her, the dirt from my hands was gonna make the dirty dishes even dirtier. Huh? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 258

Revelation

By Anonymous - 12/01/2020 18:00

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 348

You deserved it 193

By nitwit - 08/09/2009 12:29 - Greece

Today, I spent hours consoling my girlfriend for getting dumped by the guy she was cheating on me with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 332

You deserved it 79 395

He is worried

By Anonymous - 08/02/2020 01:00

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 140

You deserved it 260

By Anonymous - 30/01/2014 12:34 - United States

Today, I was sitting on the couch, watching The Avengers with my 4-year-old daughter, who loves the Hulk. When Hulk finally showed up, she excitedly looked at me and screamed, "Hulk Smash" before slamming both of her fists into my balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 566

You deserved it 6 892

By Awkward... - 29/01/2013 09:40 - United States - Killeen

Spicy

Today, my sister's boyfriend called while she was out. The second I answered he tried to have phone sex with me. When I explained to him that I wasn't my sister and that we just sound the same on the phone, he replied, "Don't care, let's keep going." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 291

You deserved it 5 005

By woahitbechels - 25/04/2011 01:10 - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 008

You deserved it 12 600

Thoughts and prayers

By Anonymous - 06/09/2009 23:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the beach. We were tanning when I suddenly saw 10 roses floating in the ocean. I went around to pick up all the roses and threw the petals at my friends. Then I noticed that a big boat of people in black and white were looking at me with disgust. It was a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 416

You deserved it 53 871

Why are you like this?

By Bea - 11/07/2021 17:59 - Brazil - Sao Paulo

Today, thinking it would be funny I tried tricking my boyfriend into thinking my grandparents were cousins, and that I was the product of incest. This would have been a great prank, if he hadn't have said, "You know what? That actually makes sense. It all makes sense now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 277

You deserved it 1 558

Hangry

By I.Want.Food. - 19/01/2014 23:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I was watching Ratatouille. Piece of advice for starving students: never watch it when you've only eaten two apples in two days, or you'll find yourself in the ridiculous position of being jealous of a fucking rat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 876

You deserved it 8 136

By gimmeafknbreak - 17/01/2014 23:59 - United States - Alamogordo

Spicy

Today, my family and I were having turkey for dinner. My boyfriend leaned in towards me and muttered, "I'll stuff your turkey later". Everyone heard and the whole room went dead silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 793

You deserved it 8 855

gimmeafknbreak tells us more.

gimmeafknbreak 4

Saturday 18 January 2014 20:38

It was actually quite humorous. Even my father laughed...though some others didn't find my boyfriend's statement quite so funny. And for those that were asking, yes...he pulled through. in fact about twenty minutes after the "incident". haha. Those family dinners get SO boring.

By Username - 17/03/2010 00:46 - France

Today, at a debate tournament based on domestic abuse, my partner yells out, "Has anyone considered that maybe the women DESERVED to be beaten?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 637

You deserved it 6 646

By veggieluver - 16/01/2013 00:58 - United States - Scarsdale

Today, my grandfather asked me why the broccoli I served for dinner was white. I told him it was cauliflower. He would't believe me, accused me of being a Russian spy, and stormed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 004

You deserved it 3 252

Heat of passion

By owl + bungee cord - 07/01/2014 20:38 - United States - Herndon

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the shower and things were getting heated. I tried to move position, but slipped and fell, bringing the shower curtain I'd grabbed onto down with me along its support rod. My ass hit the floor just as hard as the rod hit my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 572

You deserved it 10 071

Language barrier

By Jan - 02/08/2021 13:01

Today, my mother who learned English as an adult sent an email to my boss, thanking them for hiring me even though I'm "retarded." I’m a law school graduate who was diagnosed with a minor learning disability in kindergarten, but she still calls me "retarded" when speaking English. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 142

You deserved it 118

Pushy

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 22:02

Spicy

Today, I went on a date with my crush and I was so desperate to impress him, I talked him into a blowjob, after he turned down full sex since it was only a first date. He asked me to stop halfway through, because apparently I have bad technique, and hurt him with my teeth. He left. I’m such an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 414

You deserved it 1 996

By leeseyxoxo - 27/03/2011 06:10 - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 198

You deserved it 5 205

By wish.was.single - 25/01/2012 18:33 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept whining at me, asking why I wouldn't have sex with him, seemingly not caring that my parents were in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 145

You deserved it 5 696

The Candidate

By Anonymous - 20/04/2020 14:00

Today, my sister-in-law announced she would like me to be her surrogate, so that her body doesn't look like a stretched wobbly mess after childbirth. Apparently, I'm a perfect candidate, as "we won't see a difference." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 313

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 14/05/2016 15:48

Today, a very attractive man asked me out on a date, and I said yes. He is tall, charming and a very good kisser. I'm sure the woman he heavily made out with after I left would agree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 797

You deserved it 1 001

Great chat!

By eric - 16/03/2011 07:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 246

You deserved it 96 518

The sweet smell of success

By NoPromotionForYou - 07/05/2020 14:00

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 508

You deserved it 647

How rude

By drebel - 09/03/2011 22:27 - United States

Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 437

You deserved it 4 561

Safe bet

By Hit-and-Run - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Mexico - Juárez

Today, after an extensive talk with a relationship counselor, we concluded that I'm more likely to get run over by a car than be in a stable relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 383

You deserved it 3 289

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The Top

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Today, I was in charge of Thanksgiving dinner. I dressed and stuffed the turkey, popped it in the oven and sent a mass text out to my family about how amazing it would be. Everyone arrived, we began making plates of food when I checked the turkey, and realized I never even turned on the oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 473

You deserved it 6 219

Today, after living in my new apartment for barely three weeks, I found mice living under my dishwasher. When I brought it up to the managers, they said I'd have to pay for an exterminator myself since they weren't there when they cleaned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 417

You deserved it 1 432

Today, the hooker I have been seeing regularly for almost a year texted me to say she thinks we should no longer see each other again. I just got dumped by a hooker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 705

You deserved it 59 307

Today, while riding around the lake, a pair of kids thought it was okay to take turns yanking my horse's tail and running away so they didn't get kicked. When I told the parents not to let their kids do that, they said that I shouldn't be riding if I can't "control my beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 995

You deserved it 265

Today, I got my braces in. I also got my period a week early. Tylenol can only help so much with the pain, but if I have something warm to eat/drink the wire tightens but my cramps aren't be as bad. I would have something cold, but we only have frozen meat and chunky ice cream, which I can't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 135

Today, while doing my boyfriend's laundry, I noticed that every single pair of his boxers had a poop smear in them. He's almost 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 507

You deserved it 106