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By ColoradoGirl420 - 24/03/2014 18:53 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, at my job as a bouncer at a music venue, a guy got his nose broken in a rowdy mosh pit. When I went to help him up and see if he was okay, he said, "It was an accident, please don't kick me out," but the word "please" came out as a hot spray of his blood across my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 653

You deserved it 3 455

ColoradoGirl420 tells us more.

ColoradoGirl420 10

Thursday 27 March 2014 20:07

Hey All. I did immediately go wash up once I confirmed that he was okay, he thought I was going to kick him out for moshing, I don't think he realized quite yet that his nose was broken, he was pretty drunk. And I am a chick, not a dude :) I get tested regularly anyway, but he and I did have a conversation after he went and cleaned himself up too. I explained that I was worried about disease and he looked positively horrified at the thought and insisted that he was clean. But I did get checked, came back all good. And I love my job, it's only part time, I only work the big shows, been doing it for a while and this is the only time this has ever happened to me. It didn't scare me off like my boss thought it would when he saw me marching off in a huff to the ladies room to clean myself up! lol

High emissions zone

By BodyElectric - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, I was checking my kitten's neutering stitches when he farted so hard that a stray piece of cat shit shot out and hit me in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 156

You deserved it 3 899

Fighting talk

By dempasi - 06/05/2016 18:51 - United States - Utica

Today, while shopping, I told my wife I'd love some pork chops for dinner. Someone nearby muttered, "That's practically cannibalism, ya fat pig." My wife immediately had a "coughing attack" that sounded suspiciously like it was covering up laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 675

You deserved it 2 560

By ChaosFerret - 03/05/2016 20:53 - United States - Eugene

Today, I spent six hours making chicken and black bean chili for a big family gathering. I go to use the restroom. I come back to the pot on the floor with my cat standing in the chili, eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 687

You deserved it 2 123

Call the fuzz

By elizabeth - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I came home to my mother-in-law wearing the gold chain which I usually keep in a hidden drawer. I searched my drawer only to find out my chain was missing. I asked my mother-in-law if she took it and she keeps denying the fact that she stole it from me. My husband is on her side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 166

You deserved it 1 938

Bad omen

By cutiepatootie - 03/01/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I was getting ready for a party when I accidentally knocked my blender off the counter. After taking a half an hour to clean up all the glass, I went upstairs to get the spare blender I keep in the closet. I tripped, and broke the blender. I just applied for a waitressing job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 088

You deserved it 6 734

Best foot forward

By new dog - 14/09/2014 03:38 - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I found out that my dog is a pro at pooping directly into shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 425

You deserved it 3 965

By Bitch - 26/05/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I was cheating on him. Surprised, I replied "No, Tim, of course not!" This might have been more convincing if I'd called my boyfriend by his own name, instead of the name of the guy I'm cheating on him with. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 11 294

By Anonymous - 15/03/2013 10:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, while I was going down on my husband, our 3-year-old daughter woke up and started crying from the other room. He practically burst into tears too, whining that she was doing it on purpose to ruin his fun. He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 971

You deserved it 6 221

By Wonderful_0 - 23/06/2015 17:58 - United Kingdom - Luton

Today, my creepy 12-year-old neighbour stood on his trampoline, looked over my fence and started waving a large net around, chanting my dog's name. Now I'm scared to let my dog outside alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 492

You deserved it 2 032

Wonderful_0 tells us more.

Wonderful_0 19

Wednesday 24 June 2015 17:16

Hi no my dog is very controlled and well behaved, and only barks to ward off danger. However, because he's just a big softie, (he's a border collie/black Labrador cross breed) all the neighbours love him, but apparently this kid loves him a little too much...

By snazz23 - 13/06/2016 14:24 - United States - Leander

Today, one of my oldest friends blocked me for refusing to drive her to and from a wedding that was over 30 miles away. The wedding was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 048

You deserved it 1 200

snazz23 tells us more.

snazz23 20

Monday 13 June 2016 20:22

Because I would have to go 30 miles out of my way to get her, and take her 30 miles out of my way to take her home. So that's 60 miles total....on my wedding day.

Experience

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 167

You deserved it 3 151

Being boring

By dicedicebaby - 23/03/2015 00:20 - United States - Columbus

Today, I had my 18th birthday party. At midnight, three police officers showed up at my door and asked if they could look around. Were we doing anything bad? Nope. My friends suck at parking. Before they left, the officers said that this was the most toned down party they'd seen in years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 728

You deserved it 3 457

By Anthony - 14/04/2016 23:15 - France

Today, on a train, a little boy and girl come up to me and ask how babies are made. Already pretty uncomfortable with their question, their mother suddenly appears and says, "Go on, tell them!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 043

You deserved it 108

By unluckymiss - 24/01/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I was at the store when I ran into an old friend from high school. He didn't recognize me at first, but when I told him who I was, he instantly shouted "Oh! Yeah! The fat chick from Mr. H's class!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 644

You deserved it 4 361

By Anonymous - 15/01/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, we got a speeding ticket in the mail with my drunk daughter's picture on it. She was waving at the camera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 559

You deserved it 5 366

By CalebNotShomo - 25/12/2014 15:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 396

You deserved it 2 833

By TaffyMichele - 13/09/2012 23:38 - United States - La Verne

Today, my boyfriend told me to text him when I got home to let him know I'd made it home safe. He said if I didn't, he'd assume that aliens had abducted me and that he'd get a new girlfriend. He was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 068

You deserved it 3 807

By Anonymous - 02/11/2014 16:44 - United States - Rome

Today, I was singing in my dorm. When I left a little later, a cute guy came up to me and asked if I was the girl who'd been singing. I proudly said yes. He replied, "Good thing you finally shut the fuck up!" and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 988

You deserved it 10 960

By NoScrubs - 31/10/2014 05:10 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 474

You deserved it 3 510

By fifi125 - 24/12/2016 04:01 - Australia

Today, I spent a while in a tree after fleeing a rampaging Blue Tongue lizard, only to be chased back out of it by an angry possum. Australian wildlife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 253

You deserved it 1 005

fifi125 tells us more.

fifi125 21

Saturday 31 December 2016 0:32

Hey guys, just a lil bit of clarification. I was holding onto the tree to get a good look at the blue tongue (which was over half a metre long). We're not normally afraid of her, she's come into our house (which I'll put a picture of in my profile). It's just that that day I was too near her hidey hole so she chased me. I was in the tree havin a little stare-down with her when I must have moved a little too high up because this possum comes out of no where right up into my face. Scared the shit out of me so I ****** legged it inside. I'm also 16 so I don't have a heap of options about where I live lol

Wardrobe malfunction

By Unknown - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I decided to wear a tight, long-sleeved shirt that showed off my body. As I was trying to roll up my sleeves, I realized how tight the shirt really was. It wouldn't budge past my elbow, and I tugged so hard I ended up punching myself in the eye. I now have a swollen, black and blue eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 801

You deserved it 37 406

Just… why?

By Ob3nie - 14/07/2014 17:45 - United States - San Francisco

Today, me and my boyfriend decided to have some fun in my room before my parents got home. My phone started vibrating half-way through, and when I saw my mom's picture, I reflexively answered. It wasn't a phone call. It was a FaceTime. Busted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 672

You deserved it 54 208

By cassieono - 10/07/2014 21:28 - United States - Springfield

Today, I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to sneak up on my sister to silly-string her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 864

You deserved it 13 712

By trickortreat - 01/11/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 592

You deserved it 5 097

Spy vs Spy

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Portland

Today, I caught my mother-in-law trying to plant a GPS tracker on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 377

You deserved it 2 191

By tmi4me - 26/05/2015 03:50 - United States

Today, my boss admitted she's having an affair. She's married to my brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 396

You deserved it 2 081

Cheers

By Anonymous - 09/09/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I spent all day at the hospital with my grandma for some tests. When I drove her back home she decided to thank me with $50. Knowing she is unemployed, I told her I couldn't take a whole $50. She replied with "Ungrateful, just like your mother", then took the money and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 726

You deserved it 4 613

By fuckit - 31/01/2013 20:27 - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 173

You deserved it 2 501

By feenix89 - 09/02/2009 23:41 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me and said I was not 'Christian enough' for her. Later I found out she had been cheating on me with my best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 630

You deserved it 2 545

feenix89 tells us more.

feenix89 0

Tuesday 10 February 2009 6:03

yeah, she goes through phases where she says she's Christian. We dated for about a year, we started dating and she sat me down to ask if I was a Christian too. We had sex 3 weeks into our relationship, and then for another 9 months, and we stopped to 'get closer to God' And I also think it was around that time she started nailing my friend. And she still has yet to understand why I don't want to talk to her