The Top

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By I know nothing - 05/02/2017 07:00 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I start my second shift at my new job. Apparently, I'm closing by myself. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 960

You deserved it 541

By Anonymous - 18/12/2018 12:00

Today, after two years of hard work, I finished writing my novel dedicated to my father. I timed everything so that the paperback would arrive at his house just before Christmas, then I booked a flight to surprise him so I could see his reaction in person. He just texted me, my mom told him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 328

You deserved it 271

By something - 16/02/2019 18:00

Today, I was walking home from school and my stupid brother who comes earlier then me locked the storm door. I ended up trying every other door for 3 hours in below freezing temperature. I was numb everywhere. I rang the bell and my brother opened it. He was home the whole time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 2 576

By anonymous - 06/03/2019 14:00

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 642

You deserved it 836

Incomprehensible

By Anonymous - 24/02/2020 02:00

Today, I arrived in Tokyo and went to stay overnight in a teeny airport cabin hotel with shared bathroom facilities. I used the little wicker baskets to put my clothes on and when I came out of the shower, I found someone had stolen my favorite top. Who steals dirty clothes?! FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 002

You deserved it 375

Special Snowflake Kitty

By MissKitty - 10/03/2017 04:00

Today, I found out why I couldn't properly breathe nor sleep for the past 2 days. I'm allergic to the new kitty litter. This is the special litter I had to buy because my snowflake cat is allergic to all the other brands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 041

You deserved it 710

By Madison Ostermeier - 28/06/2019 12:05

Today, I went on a date. I'm a big Disney fan, so naturally the topic came up. He said, "The only Disney movie I didn't really like was Pocahontas." I have a Pocahontas tattoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 587

You deserved it 590

By ShitShoveler - 14/04/2017 14:00 - United States - Abington

Today, a month after getting a big promotion, I found out that I'm stuck with my old job. No one wants to take my old position, so they are vacating my new one and will post it, because, "This one is more desirable, and your's is shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 292

You deserved it 353

By Turtleizer567 - 24/12/2016 01:27

Today, after waiting several hours for my foreman to drop off material, I finally got a text back from him saying "Oh sorry, I totally forgot about you. I'm at the Christmas party." The Christmas party that no one told me about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 878

You deserved it 415

Turtleizer567 tells us more.

Turtleizer567 1

Sunday 25 December 2016 0:56

Thank you! You too. At least I know where I stand with the company now.

By GOLLUM! - 18/05/2017 00:00

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 694

You deserved it 2 019

By Anonymous - 03/06/2019 12:07

Today, while working as a waitress, an attractive woman sat at one of my tables. When she paid, I decided to be bold and write my number and "Call me" on her receipt. She put in a complaint to my manager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 830

You deserved it 3 602

By Anonymous - 30/07/2019 04:01

Today, I finished my first shift at my new summer job. I've only been working there for 6 hours and they already call me, "The blonde one". I made straight A's in my last semester of college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 552

You deserved it 347

Alas, poor Tiddles

By SonOfACatKiller - 19/09/2019 08:00 - United States - Juno

Today, my mom asked me to pull out the load of laundry she'd stuck in the dryer. Instead of clothes, I pulled out my dead cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 644

You deserved it 136

Brain fog

By FlyingCoffeeMonster - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Oreland

Today, I was having my morning coffee while getting ready for work. I grabbed clothes off the floor to throw in the hamper. I accidentally threw my full coffee instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 068

You deserved it 3 234

Goodbye, 7 years of sobriety...

By Mash-brakketz - 25/10/2017 22:26

Today a gasoline canister leaked in our work garage and filled my office with fumes. It got me high and nauseous even though I went out for air constantly. I had a meltdown and was sent home. I'm still high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 347

You deserved it 297

Good Meowrning!

By piliseep - 01/12/2017 09:00 - United States - Apex

Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 641

You deserved it 579

Dodged a bullet, TBH

By RKD - 23/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Panama City

Today, my girlfriend, whom I thought I would marry, broke up with me. She broke up with me because I don't believe the government controls the weather. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 878

You deserved it 228

Better off

By Elliz - 04/09/2022 02:00

Today, I was stalking my ex-husband’s Facebook. He looks so happy with his new, supermodel-perfect girlfriend who he left me for. She’s everything I’m not. I kinda regret giving birth to two kids and my body changing forever. He’d still be with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 059

You deserved it 643

Bad pranks are annoying

By Anonymous - 17/01/2020 20:00

Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the lock is broken) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 736

You deserved it 333

By damn cats - 12/08/2018 22:00

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 437

You deserved it 348

By Ropebunnbon - 15/08/2018 13:00

Today, after leaving for the city inspector to make sure everything was up to code, my husband and I remembered that we'd forgotten to take down the rope bondage setup and equipment in the closet. We came home to paperwork on the kitchen counter and the closet door open. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 620

You deserved it 1 326

Swindler's List

By whoneedsloveanyway - 21/06/2020 02:01

Today, I found out that my fiancé has a list with every woman he slept. Chronologically. I'm number 23, out of 27. Our wedding is in two months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 444

You deserved it 201

Don't touch my stuff

By Anonymous - 08/07/2020 08:02

Today, I found out where all my favourite things have been disappearing to: the garbage bin, one item at a time, courtesy of my girlfriend, who it seems wants me in a suit reading the Financial Times on a Saturday, instead of my favourite Jedi dressing gown reading Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 131

You deserved it 672

Relaxed

By Craptastic - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 176

You deserved it 836

Spoke too soon

By Lily Cakes - 19/10/2018 20:00 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was watching a TV show with my 7-year-old niece. A scene came on where the main character was being tortured, and the one torturing him said, "I'm gonna make you scream." Without hesitating, I said, "Oh, kinky." My niece turned to me and asked, "What does kinky mean?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 471

You deserved it 5 127

Good guys

By Raquel - 14/12/2021 08:01

Today, I found out my husband was having an affair with his coworker. When I had a talk with him about it, his response in all seriousness was, “Lose that weight that you didn’t have before and I’ll stop fucking her.” I’d gained weight giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 207

You deserved it 375

By Lisa - 09/11/2018 07:00 - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 169

You deserved it 343

By thesaddestsoup - 02/02/2017 20:00 - Macedonia - Stip

Today, my long-distance relationship ended. The only thing my dad had to say to comfort me was that he hopes my phone bills will, "go back to normal now." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 606

You deserved it 1 367

Christmas is dangerous

By LondonTor - This FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I was moving my sofa to make space for the Christmas tree and the sofa slipped on the wooden floor, thus flipping my right big toenail up 90° so it is now only connected at the cuticle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 326

You deserved it 265

Don't attempt this at home

By they have no sense of humor - 28/04/2023 18:00

Today, in an attempt to win a political argument, I recorded myself walking into a gun store and asking which gun would be best to hypothetically deal with my neighbor's annoying kids. I now have a recording of myself being chewed out, banned for life, and perp-walked out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 107

You deserved it 2 155

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, via Ancestry, I learned I am distantly related to my boss. Did it bring us closer? Did it buggery. My boss is a vindictive harpy at the best of times and now she knows we share a great-great-grandmother, she hates me even more because “my side of the family blah blah blah…” FML

I agree, your life sucks 361

You deserved it 87

Today, after finally finding the one after so many heartbreaks, he’s leaving me because things are actually too good. He says having me around distracts him too much from work, and spends too much time with me instead of working weekends on top of working all week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 017

You deserved it 170

Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 491

You deserved it 2 509

Today, I was babysitting with my best friend, watching my one-year-old cousin. We thought it would be funny to say a bunch of swear words in front of him, since he didn't know how to talk. Five minutes later, guess what his first word was? And guess who won't be invited over for a while? FML

I agree, your life sucks 532

You deserved it 3 297

Today, my boyfriend, who went to college, is unable to write a two-line email without saying the text out loud at least five times in a row. He also keeps repeating newspaper lines and simple things I say, in a whisper, in order to understand them. I'm afraid he might be developing dementia. At 40 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 810

You deserved it 300

Today, a nice doctor in his 40s asked me on a date and, despite the age difference, I was thinking about it… until my mom recognised him. He was the trainee doctor who helped me be born 22 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 153