Mr Selah, WA, USA 36 years-old Single
Today, I was walking to the store when I ran into one of my friends. He said he heard about my bike being stolen the day before, and that whoever took it was a heartless dick. I hadn't told anyone about the theft. FML
Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML
Today, someone came over and told my mother, "I'm your son's friend Morris, I need to get something out of his car", so she gave him the keys. I have no friend called Morris, and now I don't have a sound system either. FML
Today, I was using a public urinal when a man came up to use the one next to me. As he approached, he said, "Friendly spy plane inbound" and pretended to look at my knob. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, my mom showed up completely hammered to a party I was throwing. The party was to celebrate the ten years that I've been sober. FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML
Today, I found out that I'm allergic to bacon. FML
Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he still has the key to our mailbox, while being at the other part of the country. Not to worry though, he sent it over. By mail. FML
Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
Today, while waiting for my order at a restaurant, a woman walked up to me and slapped me. She looked at me for a moment and said "Sorry, I thought you were someone else." Ten minutes later, the same woman came back and slapped me again. FML
Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML
Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML
Today, in class, I was sitting next to the guy that I fancy. Shyly, I write our initials (L and A) into a heart on his hand to see his reaction. He said, "I love Los Angeles too!" FML
Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML
Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML
Today, I yelled out while I was asleep. However, I was sleeping during a very important meeting with customers and my boss. FML
Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML
Today, I kissed the girl I love for the first time. Her reaction? She vomited. FML
Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML
Today, whilst brushing my teeth, I fell asleep, poking myself in the eye with my toothbrush. FML
Today, at work, I received an email telling me that viewing porn websites was prohibited and was a good enough reason to fire me. FML
Today, my boss sneezed onto his hands and then licked them in front of my best customers. FML
Today, my son forgot to log out of MSN. He had written, "When am I getting out of this place?" and his username was "mother fucker". FML
Today, my girlfriend said to me, "You know, you only have to wash 3 times a week to be clean." FML
Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML
Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was walking around and then realized I was alone. I looked for him for quite a while until I finally found him open-mouthed in the porn section. FML
Today, I was supposed to perform my first concert in front of a crowded audience. As we were about to go on stage, my band decided to roll a joint outside. The cops just happened to pass by, and now I'm on my own. FML
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