Spicy

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 04:57 - United States - Santa Barbara

Spicy

Today, my husband wanted me to "spice up" our sex life. I guess he didn't count on me vomiting when he came in my mouth. We won't be getting intimate again for a long, long time now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 708

You deserved it 12 073

Keeper

By ughreally - 20/09/2013 00:20 - United States - Sartell

Spicy

Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I F*ck On First Dates". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 082

You deserved it 6 474

By someone - 17/09/2013 16:38 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I was lying naked on my boyfriend's bed for the first time ever. He glanced at me, then started playing with a Rubik's cube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 626

You deserved it 6 926

By I have wood - 16/09/2013 21:11 - United States - Stephenville

Spicy

Today, my room mate told all of our mutual friends that he had walked in on me doing woodwork in my room. They all thought he meant he had caught me rubbing one out. I'm actually building a guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 420

You deserved it 3 679

Pleased to meet you

By Anonymous - 15/09/2013 19:53 - Romania - Bucharest

Spicy

Today, I saw an elderly gentleman in the street wearing a shirt with a big QR code on it. Amused, I used an app on my phone to decode it. It gave me a shortened web address, which I followed, only to be faced with a picture of the same gentleman naked, grinning, and giving a thumbs up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 112

You deserved it 31 388

My ex

By Anonymous - 14/09/2013 20:09 - United States - North Kingstown

Spicy

Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I'd recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 897

You deserved it 5 098

You Sexty Thing

By Anonymous - 13/09/2013 06:53 - United States - Prairie City

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend is upset with me for not wanting to sext. I can't sext with her because she adds "lol" to everything, which turns me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 191

You deserved it 6 597

Unreasonable

By Crazy Crazy Crazy - 13/09/2013 00:01 - Canada - Burlington

Spicy

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 74 270

You deserved it 8 007

By lyfisdyno - 12/09/2013 00:16 - United Kingdom - Malvern

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 812

You deserved it 74 106

By CityBoysNow - 11/09/2013 00:14 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 648

You deserved it 13 285

By anonymous - 09/09/2013 20:16 - United States - Round Rock

Spicy

Today, my pregnant wife was crying, so I let her sit on my lap so I could comfort her. She quickly started laughing in embarrassment as she peed on my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 912

You deserved it 6 871

Kinda cute

By anon - 09/09/2013 15:15 - United States - Mantua

Spicy

Today, I woke up and found $30 slipped under my door with a note that read, "Please buy yourself a quieter vibrator. - Mom and Dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 433

You deserved it 26 027

By merpaderp14 - 09/09/2013 06:15 - Canada

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend found out it makes a funny fart sound when he blows hard into my mouth in the middle of making out. I can't get him to stop doing it every time we kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 159

You deserved it 5 981

Knock first

By jesus christ, dad - 06/09/2013 16:48 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Spicy

Today, for the third time since breakfast, I accidentally walked in on my father wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 941

You deserved it 7 079

Victim blaming

By whatjusthappened - 06/09/2013 00:46 - United States - Loveland

Spicy

Today, I was asked by my neighbor to stop jogging in our neighborhood because he keeps catching his son whacking off while watching me. His son is 28 years-old and still lives at home. I'm 18. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 868

You deserved it 4 674

By fuck my liBLARGHSLJNAdlajdSzxz - 05/09/2013 16:39 - Sweden - Solna

Spicy

Today, after my grandma did some early Halloween costume shopping, I witnessed her modeling a "sexy nurse" outfit. After seeing her bare thighs and most of her ass, I don't think I can eat cottage cheese ever again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 546

You deserved it 5 065

By Palindromesque - 04/09/2013 09:07 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, I explained to my roommate that if she kept using all of our kitchen utensils as sex toys and hoarding them because of the varying degrees of orgasms she could achieve, we wouldn't be able to cook or eat in our own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 913

You deserved it 4 244

Palindromesque tells us more.

Palindromesque 21

Thursday 5 September 2013 12:28

Hi all, OP here! I'm crying with laughter-you all are hilarious, seriously! To respond to some questions-I discovered my roommate's predilection for silverware and kitchen implements when I poked my head into her room to tell her something and saw an open drawer with a good collection of my utensils. She was actually quite forthcoming, and explained in jaw-dropping detail some uses for a number of them. We've agreed that she can go ahead and keep what she's "used," and that she'll replace the implements now and in future...no cross contamination, she promises. Overall, I'm glad she's sensually creative, so I don't feel the need to resort to hot sauce or splinters! I just fear for the next time she's browsing in the kitchen-I may not be able to scramble eggs for breakfast.

Hands-on

By poolgirl789 - 03/09/2013 06:30 - United Kingdom - Bradford

Spicy

Today, I had to feed an elderly man in the care home in which I work while he was whacking off. Our work policy states that I have to pretend not to notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 802

You deserved it 4 758

Cheapskate

By Anonymous - 02/09/2013 17:03 - United States - Gladewater

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend admitted to me that the reason he won't have sex with me is because "Condoms are too expensive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 221

You deserved it 6 445

Logic

By yourfault - 02/09/2013 15:10 - United Kingdom - Kingston

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend blamed me for his affair, because apparently I "should have made it clear to him" not to have sex with other people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 983

You deserved it 6 786

By Kiddo - 02/09/2013 06:49 - United States - Jacksonville

Spicy

Today, after months of patiently waiting, I finally got my roommates out of the house for the night so I could have sex with my boyfriend for the first time without being interrupted. He couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 035

You deserved it 7 450

Pretend

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 16:34 - United States - Washington

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend tried to get me to wear curly wig, so I could pretend to be Harry Styles in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 785

You deserved it 6 972

Caught in 4K

By happyturtle - 01/09/2013 09:57 - Croatia

Spicy

Today, my friend told me she turned down a job as a babysitter because she didn't want to be secretly videotaped, as she knew the people had a nanny cam. I wasn't aware of this when I took that same job a few nights ago and asked my boyfriend to come by. We had sex on their couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 382

You deserved it 101 662

Busted

By Anonymous - 01/09/2013 05:06 - United States - El Paso

Spicy

Today, I, for some reason, was talking to my mom about money. I jokingly said that the reason we're short on cash is because of her internet porn addiction. She replied, with a straight face, "How did you know?" I'm still not sure if she's joking or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 740

You deserved it 5 806

THIS DOESN'T FEEL NICE… OHHH

By SplishSplash - 01/09/2013 01:21 - United States

Spicy

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 659

You deserved it 6 934

By Anonymous - 29/08/2013 18:12 - United States - Mount Clemens

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 822

You deserved it 6 561

Hummmmm

By Anonymous - 28/08/2013 16:11 - United States - Spokane

Spicy

Today, I went down on my boyfriend, and tried out a new trick I learned. I read in a magazine that if you hum while giving oral, it's supposed to feel good. My boyfriend started laughing and told me to stop after 30 seconds because I reminded him of his singing toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 171

You deserved it 10 546

By crier - 27/08/2013 18:34 - United States - Norfolk

Spicy

Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 638

You deserved it 12 475

By Poly24 - 27/08/2013 10:32 - France - La Courneuve

Spicy

Today, I could hear my daughter playing with her Barbie dolls in her room. "Do you think your boss will agree to give you a raise?", she said. "Of course, we slept together!" My daughter is six. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 160

You deserved it 8 924

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 497

You deserved it 3 188

Today, I've been waiting two months for eight eBay purchases to make it through my country's fucked up customs fiasco. I'm reduced to vicariously sharing in my husband's delivery of a litre of industrial vinegar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 139

Today, I accidentally started a fire in my apartment's bathroom while I was high. Last night my girlfriend and I had a chat about how she can't trust me 100%. I feel like an absolute idiot and she's rightfully upset with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 931

Today, my family was talking about how people's hair goes gray when they get old. My grandma mentioned that she was initially attracted to my grandpa because of his red hair and was sad when it turned gray. "It's ok," she continued, "his pubic hair is still red." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 218

You deserved it 4 276

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend for the first time in over a month. When I came, I thrust one last time and let out a huge fart. She couldn't keep her mouth shut about it, and now all our friends keep calling me "CumFart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 481

You deserved it 9 146

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 481

You deserved it 465