Sex, Healthy Lifestyle and Intimacy: Sexy time

Sexy time

By Anonymous - 30/07/2009 09:23 - United States

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 517

You deserved it 59 460

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Same thing different taste

Choking hazard

By notsexy - 09/05/2009 15:51 - United States

Today, I tried for the first time putting a condom on my boyfriend using my mouth. I freaked out, swallowed, and started choking on the condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 106

You deserved it 83 436

By eeewww - 21/11/2018 03:13

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend and he ejaculated without warning, shooting straight up my nostril. I accidentally snorted it, started choking, and then coughed it up in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 512

You deserved it 818

By Anonymous - 18/02/2013 19:11 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was about to make out with my boyfriend, so I quickly swallowed my gum. Moments later, I started choking on the gum, and ended up spitting it out into his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 102

You deserved it 40 070

Work on your skills

By banana - 26/02/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. Then my roommate walked in on me using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 936

You deserved it 74 597

My love language is…

By BlueBirdWings - 31/05/2019 02:30

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. Trying to be suave, he put a Kool-Fruit between his teeth and motioned for me to kiss him so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do so, I inhaled, swallowing it. He then had to watch me dry-retching as I tried to get it back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 507

You deserved it 324

Seduction technique

By BlueBirdWings - 06/03/2012 07:20 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on the couch. He held a Kool Fruit in his teeth, and motioned for me to kiss him, so he could put it in my mouth. Just as he was about to do this, I inhaled. He then had to watch me dry retching, trying to get it back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 801

You deserved it 6 811

Come again

By Anonymous - 09/07/2009 07:35

Today, I gave my boyfriend a spontaneous blowjob while we were watching TV. After he finished, I tried to pull a sexy move I'd seen in a porno by zipping his pants back up with my teeth. His foreskin got caught in the zipper and we spent the next few hours in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 017

You deserved it 62 620

By Rob - 06/06/2012 16:02 - United States - Neoga

Today, after having sex with my girlfriend, I jokingly held the condom above my mouth. Somehow, the condom busted, and everything went over my face. Worse still, we're now wondering just how safe this condom really was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 752

You deserved it 42 674

By Anonymous - 27/02/2016 07:27 - Japan - Ageo

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband, and I tried to do a swift position-change like they do in the movies. I wound up flipping off the bed and busting my nose open on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 817

You deserved it 5 509

The Taste of Love

By Anonymous - 05/04/2020 14:00

Today, I was watching a romantic comedy at my boyfriend's house. During the make out scene, I decided to go in for a kiss. He apparently decided to belch at the same time. I could taste it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 502

You deserved it 323

thebigslim 13

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:22

Was it at least a flavored condom?

sportmaster525 0

Thursday 30 July 2009 16:27

i don't think thats what he meant when he said "now open up and swallow"...

Comments

pwnrzero 0

Friday 31 July 2009 0:12

fake, sounds made up. break 3 ribs? seriously

Weil 0

Friday 31 July 2009 0:36

Ever heard of breathing through your nose?

wowfmlife 0

Friday 31 July 2009 1:26

You're not allowed to call it the Heimlich anymore, its now abdominal thrusts. And if you guys were naked, that could have been hot

spillproof 0

Friday 31 July 2009 11:31

What a great story for the kids!

EMT105 0

Friday 31 July 2009 12:46

YDI... Both u and ur boyfriend must be absolute morons! You should never break someone's ribs by doing the heimlich unless ur a complete idiot, which obviously ur boyfriend is! U only crack/break their ribs by doing CPR. Look it up! I hope the people who think ur supposed to break ribs aren't ever around me if I start choking! Hahaha!!!

IHaveVertigo 0

Friday 31 July 2009 16:23

Well, at least you are using protection, unlike many of the idiots who submit FMLs.

Kervik 0

Friday 31 July 2009 16:45

So . . . Putting plastic protection items in your mouth is sexy . . . ? I feel slightly lost. =/

dancin303 0

Saturday 1 August 2009 0:34

well are you a newb

LanceCharisma 0

Saturday 1 August 2009 2:23

To everyone saying that he did the Heimlich maneuver right/wrong this is exactly why the Heimlich maneuver is NOT used anymore. Because it's very easy to break ribs and damage internal organs if tried by an amateur. If a person is not coughing effectively the proper first aid (after calling your local emergency services) is to alternate between five back blows with the heel of the hand and five chest thrusts similar to CPR compressions. He's not a moron for doing the Heimlich maneuver wrong, he's a moron for trusting movies and television to administer correct first aid. That said it's still a horrible situation for the OP. FYL indeed.