Intimacy: Scarred for life

Scarred for life

By Aly - 09/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 197

You deserved it 5 870

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Same thing different taste

By more than I wanted to know - 13/05/2013 19:10 - Italy - San Giustino

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk, except it wasn't really a talk, but rather him making me watch a hardcore porn video with him as he commented on what the actors were doing. I had to listen to all this and ignore his obvious erection for almost an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 224

You deserved it 5 880

By Anonymous - 16/01/2010 00:57 - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 962

You deserved it 2 647

Don't wanna know

By Anonymous - 16/02/2011 05:50

Today, my dad gave me the dreaded sex talk, but he got sidetracked and started talking about how good my mum was in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 240

You deserved it 4 191

By CallaC - 15/03/2012 02:01 - Canada

Today, my dad sat me down for the sex talk. Almost before he could open his mouth, my mother popped her head into the room and said, "Be realistic, Dan. Who would want to sleep with that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 533

You deserved it 2 905

By tobuscus9412 - 22/03/2015 01:04 - Australia - Woronora

Today, my father decided it would be a good idea to give me the sex talk, at Target, at the top of his lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 168

You deserved it 3 343

By Anonymous - 26/06/2015 17:42 - Zambia

Today, my dad drunkenly confessed that the reason he never gave me the sex talk was because he figured that I'm too weird-looking and socially awkward to ever get laid. He's right, all too right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 218

You deserved it 2 398

At least it wasn't rotting coconut?

By Getmeoutofhere - 10/08/2017 17:15 - Australia

Today, I was masturbating when my dad came into my room to say goodnight. He leaned down over my bed, paused, and said, "What's that smell? It's like... oh." His face dropped and he left the room. I don't think he'll ever see me the same way again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 579

You deserved it 1 163

By confused_girl - 01/08/2013 05:10 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I got the sex talk from my dad. It wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't said, "It's not the size of the stick, it's how you use it." I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 416

You deserved it 5 046

By Anonymous - 16/07/2012 00:12 - Canada - Brampton

Today, my dad sat me down for a talk. After the talk, he wasn't my dad anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 001

You deserved it 2 251

Prepper

By suze44 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my father decided to "prepare" me for the real world by telling me that I'm ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 263

You deserved it 5 371

WCARlover 34

Friday 9 December 2011 18:47

I'll keep that in mind for when I have kids lol

kikiwi_fml 9

Friday 9 December 2011 18:47

Looks like your dad has it figured out.

Comments

cjwalsh86 0

Friday 9 December 2011 19:36

Dad 1 kid 0

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 19:41

My dad gave me one also which consisted of; "That's your gun boy and it's loaded, be careful who you shoot"

Enslaved 36

Friday 9 December 2011 19:46

Wise words!

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 19:48

Saved me from some awkward moments let me tell ya.

Enslaved 36

Friday 9 December 2011 19:57

If you ever get caught masturbating, just say you're target practicing! Lol Hopefully that never happens. *knock on wood*

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 20:02

Practice makes perfect. lol Besides, if I get caught now it's my fault for letting them in my house.

sheethapins 13

Friday 9 December 2011 21:37

Knock on wood? Isn't that the idea?

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 21:54

Absolutely, I 'firmly' support knocking wood.

Aoifexzx 3

Friday 9 December 2011 19:44

I think that was the point.

olroydk 0

Friday 9 December 2011 19:50

My mom did something similar but she said don't do anything to you boyfriend that u wouldn't do to you own dad can u ******* believe that lol...

Capt_Oblivious 10

Friday 9 December 2011 19:54

And you can still function in normal society? Damn you're luck, that kinda shit will mess you up for life.

nikkij1988 0

Friday 9 December 2011 21:05

Hilarious

bellnuts 0

Friday 9 December 2011 19:55

Well I guess that's one form of birth control... Haha

Fylminesawsome 5

Friday 9 December 2011 19:57

If there was a "like" button, I would click it.

EmperorHilo 11

Friday 9 December 2011 19:59

That's rough, no kid should have to see that....

xSorry_fml 10

Friday 9 December 2011 20:03

your sex life has been trolled for ever inspiring dads all over the world ^^

cylus13 9

Friday 9 December 2011 20:03

He did his job well. But really sex is a wonderful thing when your ready. And here is a secret. That creepy face he made will be nothing to the one you make when you have sex and it's really good.