Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. It was going well until I accidentally passed gas. To add to the embarrassment, he rated it. I only got a 4 out of 10. FML
Today, my long distance boyfriend told me no more nude pictures or sexting, as he's afraid the government will steal it all. FML
fishyrael tells us more.
fishyrael 28
Hey guys, OP here. While I don't doubt that they are in fact kept on record somewhere, I DO doubt that they would use them for some sort of super weapon like he was implying. My boyfriend grew up in a bad home and has anxiety and paranoia like you wouldn't believe, so he probably heard something in his computer class and blew it way out of proportion. Again. This is just the latest strange thing he's doing. At one point he wanted us to invest in a bunker. I'm 20 and he's 19, so we're both of age, and we've been dating for 2 years, but we live in different timezones. He's a college student and I don't make very much so it's hard for us to pay to meet up, so sexting is usually all we've got. I prefer skype, since my phone is ancient and doesn't have any of these fancy new-fangled apps, but I was laptopless for the night, which is why I texted him asking and got that in response. I know for a 100% fact that he is not cheating on me. He wouldn't be able to pull it off. Like I said, anxiety and paranoia. He once apologized to me in panic over having a crush on a celebrity, thinking that was just as bad as cheating. In any case, when he isn't at school, he's on skype and steam with me. And for those saying to send them to you, shame on you.
Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML
Today, I sent my boyfriend a picture of my tits. He ignored it and instead sent a picture of his dog "looking blazed". FML
Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to my wife muttering "God, I want you so bad". Figuring she was either talking to me or longing for the second cumming of Christ, I turned over to see which. Turned out she was rubbing one out to some guy's Facebook photos on her phone. FML
Today, my mother told me that I was "made" in the bathroom of the store I work at now. She even pointed out which stall. FML
Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML
Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML
Today, I accidentally ripped out my boyfriend's insulin pump while trying to give him a lapdance. FML
Today, in the middle of my boyfriend finally giving me an orgasm, I had an anxiety attack, which caused him to have an attack of his own. I guess there is such a thing as having too much in common with your partner. FML
Today, at my job at a fast-food restaurant, I once again got called into the men's bathroom to break up sex between two homeless people. FML
thepixies842 tells us more.
McDonalds.. let the puns roll:)
Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom showing her friends that she can deepthroat a banana. That's something I could've lived a long and happy life without seeing. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided that we won't be having any more sex until I beat her ridiculously high score on Flappy Bird. FML
Today, one of my year 9 students finished the test an hour early. He decided to spend the time by "stealthily" whacking off. His entire desk was shaking in a silent room. FML
salmone_fml tells us more.
Follow Up: it is a national test, so he couldn't go to the bathroom, and I couldn't disrupt the test by speaking. I stood nearby and cleared my throat loudly, that seemed to work, and he emerged from his jumper (sweater) fairly quickly. I would say given that all he wrote on the test was his name, he probably did not do very well. Finally, there are some very nasty, judgemental people on here. Perhaps you should try to live a little more kindly and gently.
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
Today, I finally brought a girl home from college. While I was making her some coffee, my roommate came down in her underwear, pretended to be my girlfriend, and asked if we were having a threesome. My date left before I could explain, and my roommate thinks it's fucking hilarious. FML
GimmeLaCoffee tells us more.
First off, yeah I was a bit pissed (cause, well, I was pretty excited..) but we do prank each other all the time so I'm laughing about it. Don't worry, I'll get my revenge! Also, its not because she is jealous/into me- like I said, we prank each other, and as for my roommate being in her underwear thats not unusual, we both do it and she is very free with her body. Personally I think its great she is so confident, which I respect (since it's made bloody hard for women these days). As for the lot of you who were like '**** her, she owes you' thats kinda sick. You don't 'owe' someone sex for anything, especially not a prank. However she really can't complain if I scare off her next date! Revenge prank ideas are welcome, I'm thinking chilli in her cereal for starters..
Today, I realised the only preparation I've done for my final French exam has been wanking off to French porn. FML
Today, I went on a date for the first time since my divorce was finalized a year ago. The first question the guy asked me was what my favorite sex position is. FML
Today, my husband and I put our children to bed a little earlier than usual, so we could have some sexy time. Immediately following my full-blown orgasm, I rolled over, only to see my wide-eyed son peeking over the top of the mattress. FML
Today, my best friend wanted to see what my new boyfriend looks like. By chance, he'd sent me a Snapchat a few minutes before, so I opened it to show her, only to see that it was a dick pic. FML
Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML
Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML
Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my boyfriend, and I cheekily told him about something I'd read that's supposed to feel really good during sex. I then heard his sister sarcastically say, "Yeah, that does feel pretty good". Apparently he'd had me on speaker the whole time. FML
Today, I realised that when I asked my girlfriend four months ago if was she on the pill, she thought I meant hay fever tablets. I'm going to be a father. FML
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