Health

By timetraveler1854 - 03/11/2016 00:55 - United States - Nanuet

Today, I needed to cut something open so I asked my roommate to toss me my pocket knife from the counter. Apparently, he heard, "Open the knife then toss me it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 199

You deserved it 1 028

timetraveler1854 tells us more.

timetraveler1854 19

Sunday 13 November 2016 4:43

Oh man, this is my FML. I wasn't logged in when I published it. When my friend threw my knife to me, I tried knocking it away with the box I was holding but it grazed the back of my hand resulting in me needing stitches as it says in the title. And to the guy that says I shouldn't be doing cattle mutilations in my house, you don't see me walking into your home telling you what to do.

By throwinguptears - 02/11/2016 14:30 - United States - Marlborough

Today, after $87, waiting five months and making sure everything was perfect, I was ready to go see my favorite comedian live. I got the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 041

You deserved it 1 282

TMI

By Deweyboy - 30/10/2016 04:23

Today, since I needed someone to talk to about it, I told my girlfriend how my dad was recently diagnosed with diabetes. My girlfriend's mother then told me, in graphic detail, how her father's diabetes led to his toes being hacked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 790

You deserved it 740

Make it stop

By ElizaWy - 26/10/2016 15:52

Today, I celebrated my fifteen-week anniversary. No, not a relationship anniversary. A migraine anniversary. It won't stop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 720

You deserved it 866

By HeadStillHurts - 26/10/2016 11:43

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 688

You deserved it 8 837

Code red

By Zooep - 24/10/2016 13:54

Today, I had to prepare for my big meeting tomorrow morning. Before going to bed, I washed my face. Unfortunately, the towel I wiped myself with turned out to house our red ant infestation. My face looks like a ripe tomato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 757

You deserved it 801

By Confused - 23/10/2016 05:05

Today, I woke up two hours early to go to the physical therapist my doctor referred me to. She did confirm physical therapy will help, but she doesn't treat my issue. She’s also the only person in my city who takes my insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 584

You deserved it 637

By Pudgymom - 21/10/2016 02:08

Today, I ran into an old friend at the store with my infant daughter. As we caught up, she assured me that I could get rid of all my baby weight from the pregnancy. If only I had actually been pregnant. My wife carried her and looks fantastic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 448

You deserved it 1 748

By Anonymous - 20/10/2016 13:17 - United Kingdom - Maidstone

Today, I woke up to find my face covered in scratches, some of them bleeding. I was rather puzzled, as I don't have a cat. Then I realised that the feathers in my pillow had stuck out and scratched my face. I was attacked by my own pillow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 371

You deserved it 1 152

By Modeon123 - 20/10/2016 10:11 - Korea, Republic of - Seoul

Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right inside my mouth. My tongue got stung. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 500

You deserved it 1 174

By justmyluck5150 - 17/10/2016 17:58 - United States

Today, I told the doctor that one of my ribs sticks out farther than the other. When I lifted my shirt to show him, he immediately laughed and said, "Whoa, that's not subtle is it!" As if I wasn't already insecure about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 243

You deserved it 847

By eyebags - 10/10/2016 13:04 - United States - Charlottesville

Today, my roommate observed that if my eyes were turned upside down, they would look the same - and proved it with Photoshop. After a bit of thought, she decided that it's because the bags under my eyes are dark enough to look like eyelids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 506

You deserved it 923

By ItchyGirl - 09/10/2016 12:07 - Australia - Geelong

Today, I've got the worst eczema I've had in 25 years. It's spread to the worst possible spot: right where my thighs touch when I walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 825

You deserved it 883

Don't bother

By TomorrowMaybe - 08/10/2016 16:29 - Denmark - Frederiksberg

Today, I got my new smartwatch that I ordered for myself on the promise that I would use it for tracking my new exercise routine. Instead, I used it for playing Pong whilst eating cake and drinking wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 789

You deserved it 8 285

By Anonymous - 07/10/2016 16:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 701

You deserved it 1 183

By Ouchie - 07/10/2016 12:51 - Ireland - Celbridge

Today, in an effort to be more active, I jumped out of bed ready for a morning jog. Or, that was the plan. Instead, I twisted my knee so badly standing up, it's now locked, and I can't move it. So much for activity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 959

You deserved it 1 341

By Chard of Glass - 04/10/2016 12:45 - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 683

You deserved it 1 178

By paytonallyce - 03/10/2016 02:32 - United States - Springfield

Today, I got a bug bite on my boob. I scratched it so much it started bleeding so I put a bandaid on it. Turns out the band-aid had latex in it and I got an allergic reaction to it. The bug bite is still bleeding and the top half of my boob is swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 885

You deserved it 1 326

GTFO

By Anonymous - 30/09/2016 05:53 - United States - Houston

Today, I found out my brand new $3,000 mattress that is supposed to relieve my back pain works amazingly. I only discovered this because my wife, son, daughter, dog, and two cats are all asleep on it and not waking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 923

You deserved it 1 033

Real funny

By Lamediseased - 29/09/2016 15:07 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I got diagnosed with Lyme disease. My whole family thought it would be hilarious to call it, "Lame disease." FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 579

You deserved it 778

Hazardous

By Anonymous - 28/09/2016 13:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 286

You deserved it 2 512

By ItWasOurAnniversary - 28/09/2016 12:08 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I wanted to kayak. On the way, I told him I had to go back to our hotel because I needed the bathroom and didn't want a public one to smell. Once back in the elevator at the hotel, it got stuck. For an hour. I pooped myself and had to wait 40 minutes after that for help. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 436

You deserved it 2 508

Free speech

By christacat - 28/09/2016 10:24 - United States - Delaware

Today, I have a speech impediment that's recently become more noticeable. My entire family has decided that the best way to go about handling it is to mock me whenever I try to say something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 118

You deserved it 939

Congratulations

By Anonymous - 27/09/2016 12:28 - Italy - Verona

Today, my fiancé and I had to attend a wedding. Problem is, I suffer from a severe form of social anxiety. Since I was getting too close to a panic attack, he suggested drinking some wine to help me stay calm, and it worked. Up until I got drunk and threw up in the middle of the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 432

You deserved it 2 812

By Braceyourself - 25/09/2016 05:44 - United States - San Pablo

Today, I went in for an audition. Since my wrist had been in a brace all week, I felt I would be fine without it for one day because I didn't want it to be a distraction. I tripped in the middle of the dance routine and crashed on top of my injured wrist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 534

You deserved it 4 725

By stoolgal - 23/09/2016 06:19 - United States - Yukon

Today, I found out after a lot of panic and a visit to the gynecologist that the lump in my vagina isn't cancer. I was just constipated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 522

You deserved it 1 456

Healthy lifestyle choice

By Rowaelin16 - 23/09/2016 03:31 - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, in an effort to be fitter, I joined a Pilates class. Ten minutes into it, I dropped a 10-pound dumbbell on my face. I now have a horrific looking black eye, and half of my cheek is a mottled green color. Not to mention the cut above my eye that needed 4 stitches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 843

You deserved it 1 621

By Yellowsmellow - 22/09/2016 17:57 - Canada - Windsor

Today, and for the past two weeks, the people living directly above me have decided to add rearranging their furniture to their daily routines. Not only that but apparently, 6 a.m. is the most optimal time for them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 389

You deserved it 701

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The Top

Today, I was eating at a nice restaurant. Feeling curious, I daringly asked for the surprise "Maiden's Dream" dessert. The waiter came back with a banana between two balls of ice-cream on a plate, and no spoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 703

You deserved it 8 294

Today, I was cleaning my garage and decided to put my motorcycle helmet on with the strap, to see if it still fits. A huge spider crawled down the inside of the helmet and I freaked out trying to get the strap off. I then tripped on my daughter’s scooter and dislocated my left pinky toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 358

You deserved it 187

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 442

You deserved it 3 133

Today, the friend I recommended for a job at my workplace is getting fired for being one of the worst people they have ever hired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 343

You deserved it 858

Today, I finished filling the pages in my passport. Also today, my mom's cat urinated on my backpack, soaking my passport with rancid pee. I have visas that last 10 years and can't be moved to a new passport, so I have to keep this nostril-burning booklet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 240

You deserved it 647

Today, I woke up in the hallway. I took a sleeping pill the night before to get a good sleep in for work, but it turns out it was too strong. I got dizzy and passed out on my way to my bed, fell in the hall and chipped my two front teeth, and slept there - straight through work the next day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 220

You deserved it 7 381