Health

This is actual irony, Alanis

By Anonymous - 21/02/2022 04:00 - Belgium - Tamines

Today, I'm starting to have a chlorine sensitivity. I'm a swimming teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 958

You deserved it 77

By mirandatheunicorn - 17/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was having a beautiful lucid dream when a telemarketer called at 5AM, waking me up. I silenced my phone and went back to sleep, and was somehow able to resume my lucid dream. Then my phone vibrated me awake. It was the same telemarketer, this time calling at 7AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 281

You deserved it 279

By WronglySad619 - 26/01/2011 10:31 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 972

You deserved it 28 621

Golden

By Ackbar - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I fell out of the shower. It was still on. Bracing my fall, I reached into the toilet. It wasn't flushed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 148

You deserved it 15 821

By radicaloser - 25/03/2011 08:50 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 444

You deserved it 5 577

By mindy12182 - 29/12/2018 17:00 - United States - Des Moines

Today, while doing my disabled client's makeup I got my period. I'm hoping that she didn't notice a red stain on her white bedspread when I stood up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 412

You deserved it 642

By gimpy - 04/01/2012 16:55 - United States

Today, I had to cut short my New Year's resolution of going to the gym daily, when the meathead next to me dropped some heavy weights, which bounced and landed on my foot. I'm sitting at home in a cast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 868

You deserved it 2 490

By Anonymous - 07/02/2012 12:04 - United States

Today, I sneezed after watching a commercial involving dust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 219

You deserved it 6 906

Wrong window, sorry

By Anonymous - 12/08/2023 16:00

Today, I accidently sent that my butthole was on fire to a group chat with my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 219

You deserved it 779

By Gahh... - 03/12/2012 05:18 - Canada - Surrey

Today, I had to show my husband a video on how to brush your teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 046

You deserved it 2 965

Stay safe, despite capitalism

By Anonymous - 23/09/2021 19:59

Today, despite both of us being vaccinated, my wife recently tested positive for Covid and now I'm showing symptoms. Neither my state or job offers any kind of financial support for Covid leave, so my options are infecting others or starving under a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 145

You deserved it 245

Shattered

By ParkerRommel - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was apparently tired enough to spray silly string under my armpits rather than deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 277

You deserved it 7 148

The invasion begins

By Anonymous - 28/06/2015 15:00 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I noticed a rash of insect bites on the backs of my thighs and buttocks. Upon further investigation, it appears that the inside of the chair in my work cubicle is infested with bedbugs. I'm too paranoid to sit in any work chair now. There are 12 hours left in my shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 316

You deserved it 1 874

By Anonymous - 24/02/2012 15:05 - Ireland

Today, I had to use antiperspirant deodorant under my breasts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 914

You deserved it 6 912

Parting gift

By Anonymous - 16/06/2022 02:00

Today, I was diagnosed with Covid. I've been living with my ex for 8 months. They started dating again, and their new partner broke up with them and gave them Covid, then my ex gave it to me. I was supposed to move out, and now I have to delay it further. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 277

NOT NOW!

By AintEasyBeinWheezy - 28/04/2016 18:26 - United States

Today, while driving me to the hospital because I was having an asthma attack, my mother lit a cigarette. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 362

You deserved it 1 055

By unsuckable - 28/08/2015 06:13 - United States - Denver

Today, I had to call the doctor regarding my penis. Not because of erectile dysfunction or an erection lasting more than four hours, but because of the multiple fire ant bites I woke up to after falling asleep in my backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 920

You deserved it 4 176

By DUFF - 11/06/2015 21:04 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I found out I wasn't invited to my neighbor's funeral, with whom I had been good friends with for a long time. When I asked her husband why, he said, "We have a small amount of money and can't afford for you to eat all of the refreshments." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 407

You deserved it 3 468

By Anonymous - 27/02/2015 00:20 - Canada - Toronto

Today, the doctor let me know I have an autoimmune disease. The disease results in ulcers in my colon which bleed when I poop. I cried, but only when I was told that I wouldn't be allowed to eat cheese anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 665

You deserved it 3 173

By Anonymous - 29/05/2013 04:32 - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 620

You deserved it 7 781

By Nyquilwtf - 23/09/2012 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 934

You deserved it 2 531

By Anonymous - 25/07/2019 20:00

Today, I found out why I get so red all over at parties. Turns out I'm allergic to alcohol. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 851

You deserved it 225

Lost in the sauce

By Anonymous - 24/02/2023 13:00 - United States - Spokane

Today, I found out that the mice infestations I've been fighting for the last two weeks was actually a recurring series of tactile/visual/auditory hallucinations, a side effect of a normal, prescribed, dosage of ADHD meds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 051

You deserved it 130

Gross, dude

By Anonymous - 06/11/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I took my date home for sex after quite a long dry spell. As he took off his shoes, I was hit right in the nose by the most disgusting foot odour I've ever encountered. It was so bad I forgot all about sex and threw him out. That was 3 hours ago and I can still smell it on the carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 202

You deserved it 542

No stamina

By Anonymous - 04/05/2022 16:00 - United Arab Emirates

Spicy

Today, my SO almost passed out during sex due to his lack of physical activity. I've forced him to start going to the gym. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 056

You deserved it 258

The growth

By Deenadd - 19/10/2023 07:00 - United States - Seattle

Spicy

Today, I discovered an open wound right above my penis. I can’t put a Bandaid on it because the hair down there repels it. There’s something repulsive about seeing something like that on your own body, especially when you just want to jerk off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 363

You deserved it 325

Gummied up

By Anonymous - 01/05/2024 15:00 - United States

Today, I ate one Benefiber gummy and spent half the day and good chunk of the night in misery with an upset stomach, where it felt like a lump was in it, as well as aggressive and painful gas, and painful diarrhea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 119

By Amathiel - 29/12/2012 15:23 - Norway - Flor?

Today, I had a proper look at myself in the mirror. I have recently lost 5 lbs. Turns out that it mainly shows on my boob. Not boobs. Boob. Right one only. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 182

You deserved it 3 190

Amathiel tells us more.

Amathiel 17

Saturday 29 December 2012 21:59

Additional info from OP here: Yes, I have a BF who has commented on it, but with humor. He's nicknamed them Bert and Ernie because of the size difference now. Yes, I know it's a common thing, but it still isn't cool to walk around with half a boob on one side ;)

Tough enough

By zana - 05/08/2024 07:00 - United States

Today, I tried to comb my hair after waking up. I not only broke the comb but also pulled a muscle in my arm. I do not go to bed with wet hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 323

You deserved it 113

Baby New Year?

By Fiona the Deceived - 30/05/2018 19:00

Today, I found out that my birth date was entered incorrectly, and I’ve been believing that I am a year older than I really am. I’m actually 14, not 15. How did this happen? Both my parents and the doctor got the year of my birth wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 428

You deserved it 269

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Today, I let my dog out to go pee before heading to bed. She just stood there and looked at me, so I let her back in and went to sleep. I later woke up to a wet sensation on my back. My dog let out a full bladder all over my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 200

You deserved it 633

Today, I got my boyfriend shirtless for the first time and I noticed that he had unusual flat nipples. I asked about it and he said that since men don’t need them and he didn’t like them making small pokies under his T-shirt, he cut them off with a razor when he was 19. Um, WHAT? FML

I agree, your life sucks 453

You deserved it 88

Today, I was walking downtown when a bum approached me for some change. I planned to give a couple dollars but after pulling out my wallet exposing my cash, the bum beat me unconscious. The bum is a 5'0" tall woman; I'm a 6'2" male out $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 156

You deserved it 34 283

Today, when my boyfriend came over he was on his phone. We spent about 15 minutes together before having sex, then he made a phone call and said he had to leave. I could hear him from my window apologising to his coworker because he “just had to do something real quick but was now free to talk again.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 482

You deserved it 174

Today, I was at the gym and saw an old friend. I have put on a lot of muscle in the past few months, and she said to me "Wow, you've really gotten big." Just by habit I said "You too." Turns out she's gained 45 lbs since I'd last seen her. Oops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 771

You deserved it 31 570

Today, my mother texted me while I was at work asking me to pick up a door-stopper on my way home. When I asked her why she explained that she and my dad were trying to make love but the dog kept pushing the door open. What an image. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 526

You deserved it 3 741