Today, my aunt keeps calling me to come and settle her baby for her, because I’m the only one she sleeps for. Seriously, she’ll sleep for hours when I hold her, but anyone else and she’ll scream. I don’t even like kids and the constant disruptions to my childfree life aren’t helping change my opinion. FML
Today, the cops showed up to my house and served me a child support order from the girl I had a one-night stand with, and who'd promised me she would abort the baby. All this was two years ago. My wife of three years was in the house and heard everything. She packed up her things and told me she’ll be calling her attorney. FML
Today, my son came home saying there had been a bad accident where two people died in a crash. This sounded terrible but he then said, "Yeah, I took pictures. Wanna see the bodies? They’re disgusting." Everyone in the house except me jumped up to look at those poor dead people. I raised savages. FML
Today, my cousin invited me to an event that'll be happening on Saturday night. The first thing I did after she texted me was ask my mom if I could go. I'm 20. FML
Today, I've had a crush on my friend for a long time, and everyone around us had convinced me that he had feelings too, so I finally confessed. I got sister/friend-zoned. I'm trying not to cry myself to sleep. FML
Today, my best friend confessed his love to me, and I confessed the same back. However, I have a boyfriend who gives me mixed signals and is rude but sometimes not, and my best friend isn't ready to date so for now it’s FWB, and he's also is starting to give a little bit of mixed signals. FML
Today, I had a meeting with a place that does Terramation (turns you into compost) to plan for my Mom who has stage 4 lung cancer. It feels surreal to have a professional conversation about plans and finances for when my Mom meets her end. I'm glad she knows what she wants, and it isn't a last minute deal, but dang… FML
Today, I confronted my boyfriend, suspecting that he has been cheating on me during the past few months. He vehemently denied it. Then told me it would never happen again. What? FML
Today, my son is still single in his forties, so I asked him about it. Turns out, because he has his buddies and doesn’t want kids, he hires a house cleaning service twice a month and prostitutes twice a week, so he can’t think of any scenario in which a wife could improve his life. FML
Today, I was looking for proof that my dad’s much younger girlfriend is just a dumb gold digging slut looking for a payday. Turns out she has a PhD, owns her own home, and makes six figures. So what’s she doing with his old ass? FML
Today, I went fishing and the game warden stopped and asked for my license, only to find out I'd let it expire. He told me if I went and got it renewed, I wouldn’t get a ticket. On the way to get a new fishing license, I got pulled over and given a ticket for expired inspection. FML
Today, I announced my fourth pregnancy, this time with twins. I heard my mother mutter, “Finally two kids from the same dad.” FML
Today, I was showing my grandma how to use emojis on her new smartphone. After she sent a cute smiley face, she went on to send a string of random emojis, including the eggplant and the peach, to her church group chat. When she found out the meaning those emojis usually have, she tried to ground me, even though I'm 28. FML
Today, I was informed by my manager at work that there had been an "accident" in the playground. I then had to crawl through tunnels designed for 5 year-olds, to a tiny playroom with no fresh air, and clean up a stupid kid's pee and crap. FML
Today, after my wife’s father made a very weird joke the other day, and it completely bothered me and caused my anxiety to skyrocket, I asked her about it. She told me not to worry and that it’s just a joke. I’ve always suspected he views his daughter, my wife, sexually. I don't know what to do. FML
Today, two more years until I can move out. My mom takes up so much space in the house, even in my room, I don't even have enough space for my own clothes, and I'm not allowed to get rid of ones that don't fit. How am I supposed to survive another two years here when I have a breakdown about her suffocating me once a week? FML
Today, I was practicing yoga at home when I heard a loud crash. My cat had managed to knock over a bookshelf while attempting to catch a fly. In my rush to save my books and knick-knacks, I tripped over my yoga mat and fell into the mess. My cat got the fly though, so that's something. FML
Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML
Today, after I had a miscarriage in December, and finding out in June that I was 13 weeks pregnant with twins, I was told out that Baby B had consumed Baby A. FML
Today, I was listening to some music with my wife, and I mentioned that the song that was playing changed my mind about breaking up after an argument from years ago. For some reason, she got insanely pissed, threw a suitcase at me, and told me to pack and go. FML
Today, I got stuck in an elevator with my boss and two other coworkers. To lighten the mood, I tried telling a joke. I forgot the punchline halfway through and ended up awkwardly trailing off. We still had 20 minutes to go before maintenance rescued us. FML
Today, I went on a date with this girl who turned up with bags of Instagram camera equipment. She photographed everything, the drinks, food, and yet we barely said a word to each other. In the end, I paid my half and left. She didn’t notice I’d gone for at least 15 minutes before texting me. FML
Today, I stood up too quickly and got dizzy, so I sat on the edge of the bed to regain my balance. I started dozing off to sleep again, got confused, and peed down the side of my bed thinking I was on the toilet. FML
Today, my mom is upset that she can't get a date, but my dad can. This is the woman who doesn't shower, has a drug problem, and was arrested for spying on a local kindergartener. She was the one who demanded a polyamorous relationship. FML
Today, thanks to my eating habits as of late, I went half the day without getting hungry. I ultimately figured out this just happens sometimes, so I didn't worry. However, as soon as I crawled into bed, I got hungry. I now have two options: I can either stay awake from hunger, or stay awake from eating too late. FML
Today, my boss was skeptical when I told her I had a terrible migraine and needed to go home for the day early. I removed all her doubts by puking over her. FML
Today, it was supposed to be my night off from the baby. Instead, my wife said she "couldn't even begin to deal", so she locked herself in the bedroom and I had to watch both my baby and my stepson, who both became hyper-needy the second she shut the door. This is the fifth time in a row. FML
Today, at work, I tried to sneakily open a bag of chips I had hidden in my desk drawer. The bag decided to explode as soon as I tore it open, sending chips flying everywhere. My boss chose that exact moment to walk by and saw me on the floor, frantically picking up chips. FML
Today, I now have a plantar wart, chigger bites, and a brown recluse spider bite all in the same foot. FML
Today, I woke up with my back super sore. I couldn’t get out of my bed without crying and great difficulty. The last time my chronic pain was like this it went on for three months and I could barely move. It was absolutely awful. FML
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