Today, my girlfriend bought several packs of bottled water, even though we have pure mountain water on tap. She did this because the pile-up of unwashed dishes in the sink makes it virtually impossible to slide a glass under the tap. FML
Today, I tried to get some "quality me-time" by taking a bubble bath. Ten minutes in, my needy cat started howling like it was the end of the world, so I jumped out to see what was happening. Nothing. She's just going to do that every time I try to take a bath. No relaxing allowed, it seems. FML
Today, I got a new haircut and style. Feeling pretty. My husband got home and is not even a little interested. FML
Today, I was on a Zoom call with my therapist and we were discussing my PTSD. He assured me that I was safe and no one would burst into the room. Just then, my mom burst into my room and started screaming about dirty dishes. FML
Today, my boss asked me how my parents' divorce affected me as a child. This is a sensitive subject, but I thought he was trying to connect with me so I told him how much it hurt. Turns out he wants to leave his wife and wanted to know if his kids would turn out "messed up" because of it. FML
Today, I was trying to sneak a nap at work by lying on my desk with my arms over my head, hoping my computer screen would cover me. I woke up to find my coworker had taped a sign on the back of my screen that said, "I’m not sleeping, I'm just buffering." Pictures were taken. FML
Today, I tried to be eco-friendly by bringing my own reusable coffee cup to the café. As I handed it over, the barista said, "Sorry, we can’t use that. It’s company policy." Guess who just looked like an overzealous hipster… FML
Today, I spent 30 minutes fixing my hair to perfection, only to step outside and have it immediately ruined by a freak gust of rain and wind. The only thing I accomplished was looking like a disheveled bird's nest for the rest of the day. FML
Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML
Today, my dumbass cat won't stop screaming and whining at me because I won't let him go outside. It's winter, and this is the Midwest. He did this without my knowledge once before and had almost frozen to death by the time I figured out where he was. Also, he's too loud for earplugs to drown him out. FML
Today, I stepped on the scale this morning and it actually shattered beneath my feet. FML
Today, I had my earbuds in while walking to work. I was so into a particular song that I didn't notice I was singing out loud despite people being around. A random jogger gave me a thumbs-up and said, "Shit voice, wrong lyrics." FML
Today, I was met with an unfortunate clerical error, receiving a letter from WIC with a cheery handwritten note instructing me to call when the baby arrives. I guess they forgot I was there four months ago to discuss the changes in benefits after a miscarriage. FML
Today, I walked into a "pull" door after confidently telling someone, "It's this way, I know this place like the back of my hand." The sound of my forehead hitting the glass kinda proved otherwise. FML
Today, a bus broke down in front of my house and the rescue vehicle simply couldn’t manoeuvre into position to safely tow it away. For the bus to move, they’re going to need to repair it where it is. I can’t get my car out of my driveway. FML
Today, I discovered that I bought two shampoos instead of a shampoo and conditioner. So for the past three months, I’ve been washing my hair twice. FML
Today, some friends and I were pulled over on our way back from a party. We'd had a few drinks, so we tried to play it cool just in case we were over the limit. The cop didn't seem to want to breathalyze us, until my really high friend in the backseat said, "These are not the droids you are looking for." FML
Today, I was having dinner with my husband and two toddlers. My two year-old son was being incredibly cute and independently drinking water out of an open cup. I commented on how much I loved him. Two seconds later, he threw said cup with water at my head and started laughing. FML
Today, I gave yoga a try for what seemed like the tenth time. I underestimated how it's actually harder than it looks, and my gross unexpected sweat made my mat uber-slippery, and I ended up sliding into the person next to me. We both toppled over like human dominoes. FML
Today, I thought I saw a $100 bill in the bushes. It was, in fact, just a cleverly folded pamphlet for some church or something. I spent 10 minutes digging through leaves for nothing. FML
Today, out of sheer boredom, I took a career personality test. The "best match" for me was the position of funeral director. Not only do I have a promising future with death, I got genuinely excited at how accurate the result was. FML
Today, I used a new face mask that claimed it would make my skin glow. I must have missed the part about testing for allergies. My “glow” turned into a bright red rash overnight, just in time for a first date. FML
Today, the guy who left me for another woman before Christmas, and who ghosted me after dating for a few months, starts working at the same place as I am next week. I've been working there for over a decade. FML
Today, I discovered my cat prefers my neighbour. I know this because she posted pictures of him on Instagram, captioned "My new baby." FML
Today, I noticed my parents replaced my senior picture that hung on our living room wall with a painted one. Of our German Shepherd. FML
Today, I confidently told my new coworker, "See you tomorrow!" It’s Friday. Now they think I’m either too eager to please management or I don’t know how days work. FML
Today, my date told me I have a smile that "reminds him of his grandma." Then he showed me a picture. I look exactly like her. FML
Today, my job decided not to pay me. I talked to HR about it and they told me it will be “very hard” to fix the issue of my missing paycheck. FML
Today, my sister started a full-time job with a good pay despite having no prior work experience and being a college freshman. Meanwhile, I've graduated with two degrees, have been working two jobs for the last five years, and still can't get a full-time position anywhere. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet. As the vet reached to examine him, he hissed, then clawed me instead, and then ran straight into a wall. Now we’re both sitting at the vet's, scowling and injured. FML
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