The Top

The most agreed on FMLs The most commented on FMLs The most favorited

The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year

The all-time greatest FMLs

By Buzzed_Head9 - 17/05/2016 02:58 - United States - Bolingbrook

Today, I went to get a haircut. The guy next to me was in an Army uniform and had requested a short buzz cut. My stylist had to take a call, so another came out and there must've been a miscommunication, but by then, she was already fast at work. Guess who got stuck with the other guy's haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 773

You deserved it 1 131

Buzzed_Head9 tells us more.

Buzzed_Head9 6

Wednesday 18 May 2016 2:45

Hey, OP here. I'm new to this site, guess I should've made an account before posting? Sorry about that. Anyway, everyone had a pretty good laugh about it after the initial shock wore off! The place had these staggered walls in between the chairs and the other guy was blocked from view. Since it was a busy day, I guess the first stylist had said something along the lines of "the guy on the end just needs a buzz cut". When the second woman had come out she just launched right into it, and I did not say anything about the electric razor because I figured she was just going to clean up the back. But nope. Like a few of you had said, once it was started there was no going back because she went straight down the middle from my forehead to my crown! She was super apologetic about the whole thing, and sent me off with a full giftcard for the future. My hair was sort of on the longer side before, maybe just up to my ears but now it's only 1/8 inch all around. It was a big change but I guess I'll keep it for now since it's comfortable and looks alright. Thanks for all your comments, didn't think anyone would even read this!

By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - 21/05/2016 12:57 - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 772

You deserved it 1 160

By johnnydoe6969 - 20/11/2011 23:51 - United States

Today, I went camping and shared a tent with this girl I have been sleeping with here and there for a year. To impress her, I popped a certain male enhancement supplement. Thirty minutes later I found out she was on her period. What a long night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 771

You deserved it 46 235

By fihifgni210 - 20/05/2009 16:54 - United States

Today, I decided to go tanning. I went outside and took my top off and laid out in the sun for about an hour. When I was about to go inside a phone rang. It belonged to one of the five men that were working on my roof and watching me the entire time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 770

You deserved it 73 673

By Blackberry - 10/07/2009 19:15 - Canada

Today, I paid $80 to change my cell number because my ex-girlfriend had been stalking me. To inform all of my friends of the change, I sent a mass text message to everyone in my phonebook. Including my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 769

You deserved it 83 177

By SuperCoolGurl - 17/12/2011 13:30 - Australia

Today, the cute guy in my class asked if I wanted to come over to his house to "study" on Saturday for our finals. I went to his house expecting a good time. He actually wanted to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 768

You deserved it 54 376

By TooNoisy4Me - 04/07/2016 09:46 - United States - Bellerose

Today, like every year, my next-door neighbors started setting off their fireworks at exactly midnight. Also, like every year, the sensitive car alarm belonging to another neighbor has gone off with every firework. It's been almost six hours of nonstop alarms and explosions. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 767

You deserved it 1 157

By QuietGirlSucks - 30/08/2016 15:51 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I tried talking to the very quiet girl in my grade. We were having a conversation when a very hot guy walked into the cafeteria. I said to the girl, "The things I would do for him…" She looked at me dead in the eye and said, "That's my boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 765

You deserved it 4 756

No so funny now, huh?

By cakekiller - 29/09/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, there was a big cake at the office. I thought it was funny to pretend to push the cute girl in the office into it. She laughed, but then lost her balance and fell forward. Everyone saw. Turns out she’s allergic to coconut, even just the shavings on a cake, and had to go to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 765

You deserved it 44 734

By ewicsmelly - 29/12/2010 02:13 - United States

Today, I kept finding ants crawling all over my face. After a while, I realized that they were all coming from my beard. I have had a population of ants living in my beard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 765

You deserved it 56 811

By Loser - 17/03/2010 04:41 - Canada

Today, I got into a fight with the dryer over a plastic toy car. My hand is bleeding and numb, three of my nails are broken and I have a bruise on my chin. The plastic car is still stuck in the now broken dryer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 764

You deserved it 26 029

People like who?

By howembarrasing - 19/04/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I went to the sandcastle contest at my local beach. While waiting in line for a hotdog, a man cut in front of me and demanded a cup of water. I called him a jackass, saying how people like him give us a bad reputation at the beach. I then saw him running to his choking daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 764

You deserved it 86 637

By caggybandicoot - 18/06/2016 02:37 - United Kingdom - Torquay

Today, someone finally came to fix my phone line after three weeks with no Internet. The engineer reconnected the phone line to the wrong apartment. I hope my neighbour is enjoying my unlimited broadband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 763

You deserved it 1 333

caggybandicoot tells us more.

caggybandicoot 34

Saturday 18 June 2016 18:03

OP here - can't believe this got published?! I immediately phoned my ISP once I'd figured out what happened - I couldn't reconnect the line myself as I can't access the exchange box (and plus I wouldn't trust myself to be fiddling around in there anyway), and my internet has been restored. As for compensation, I should be getting a portion of my bill back as it took them so long to send an engineer out. Thanks everyone!

By oooops - 24/01/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, was my first day at a new job. I was really pleased with how much positive attention I was getting in a mainly male office. Guess whose shirt was see-through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 761

You deserved it 36 316

By I was talking about her. - 29/06/2016 05:24

Today, a lady called the candy store and wanted to know our ice cream flavors. We have 30 and I had a line of people to help, so I directed her to our new website. She called back, wanting me to walk her through finding it. I couldn't, as we're not allowed, so she called me useless. She showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 759

You deserved it 1 018

Leave me alone!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady who lives next to me. Funnily enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom, who lived with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 759

You deserved it 1 894

By Moose - 02/08/2016 11:18 - Poland

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 756

You deserved it 1 252

By Noname - 06/02/2009 18:25 - United States

Today, I found some porn videos in my parents room. I put them in and began to toss off, but as the camera moved up I realized it was my mom and my step-dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 756

You deserved it 52 881

Hey you!

By Noah - 16/08/2016 18:43 - United States - South Haven

Today, I was at a bar with my girlfriend, and I noticed an obnoxious guy from college I used to hang out with. I tried to avoid eye contact, but all of a sudden he shouted, "There's the guy who puked his margarita back into the glass!" Everyone stared. Yup, that was me, just last week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 755

You deserved it 2 929

Wrong un

By Jenna - 03/07/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my dad was driving me home and was angrily explaining how my boyfriend was a bad influence and that he was hanging out with the wrong crowd. After finally convincing him to give him another chance, we stopped at a traffic light just in time to see my boyfriend being chased by police. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 751

You deserved it 38 853

By TooPoorForPrivateUni - 09/10/2016 16:18 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I got into my dream university. I also got turned down for the scholarship and the loan that would enable me to actually go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 751

You deserved it 1 185

What's cooking?

By Hunter - 06/12/2010 06:17

Today, my five year-old son was sick with a stomach bug. He didn't want to leave my side, so I grabbed a bowl from the kitchen for him to puke into. The thing is, it was dark in the kitchen and I accidentally grabbed a strainer. My new outfit is now ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 750

You deserved it 33 886

Bad timing

By anonymous - 26/06/2016 03:50 - United States - Knoxville

Today, my boyfriend invited me over to his house. I was planning on breaking up with him while at his house. Turns out, it was a proposal party. I'm now engaged because it would've been rude to say no in front of his family that had flown in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 750

You deserved it 7 449

What the **** was that?

By Hatty - 14/03/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 749

You deserved it 23 708

By longest minute - 25/05/2016 11:28 - United States - Cypress

Today, I was peeing in a public bathroom when a guy walked in and passed by 4 open urinals to use the one next to mine. After feeling his gaze for a second, I confronted him with my own, in hopes he would stop. Instead, I stared into a stranger's eyes until I finished peeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 746

You deserved it 2 689

By Whatever479 - 17/02/2011 17:29 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 745

You deserved it 37 740

By Anonymous - 10/06/2016 17:02 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to take a drug test for my new job, which I desperately need and which took me over a year to land. I got a shy bladder and couldn't pee. They marked me as non-compliant and revoked the job offer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 744

You deserved it 1 325

Fermentation

By Anonymous - 20/09/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I ate what was supposed to be a delicious mini powdered donut. The first one tasted funny, so I pulled out another one and realized that the powdered sugar was now in fact powdered hairy mold. Then I looked at the package and realized it was over a year and a half old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 739

You deserved it 40 853

By young and dumb - 27/08/2016 06:27 - United States - Trenton

Today, I got married to the man I love even though my whole family told me not to marry him. He got into a drunken fight at our wedding and is now in jail. He apparently won't be getting out any time soon due to charges I didn't know about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 739

You deserved it 3 299

By RosaMaravillosa - 27/06/2016 18:09 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Today, after being constipated a few days, I used the restroom at a bar. It took a loooong time before I got out. As I went to exit the bar, only the employees were still there, waiting for me because they had closed 30 minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 738

You deserved it 2 755

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Miscellaneous Wake up Messy DIY Embarrassing Awkward Love Cute Cheating Kids Pregnancy Family Money Birthday Animals Cats Kittens Dogs Parenting Crush Work Painful Sports Vacation Parents Babysitter AITA Holidays Friends Annoying

The Top

Today, my shitburglar of an ex asked me to take him back. He said dumping me was a huge mistake. He dumped me because I was bed-ridden for several weeks and was in no condition to have sex. If his social media is anything to go by, he only wants me back because he couldn't get laid elsewhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 608

You deserved it 1 588

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 283

You deserved it 6 001

Today, I was at work alone with a stomach bug. For some reason, our bathroom was out of toilet paper, so I had to quickly run to the nearest store to buy more, only to shit my pants midway there. I'm pretty sure the cashier knew exactly what had happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 222

You deserved it 4 214

Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 820

You deserved it 1 859

Today, I was at a family birthday, and was excitingly telling my aunt about my new career in IT Security and Data Management. Her response was, "So you just look into a screen all day?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 975

You deserved it 162

Today, while trying to put something into the almost full waste bin, I cut myself with a razor blade that my son had thrown in there. It was surprisingly sharp, and my finger started pissing blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 192