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Not a med student

By indefiniteforest - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Hillsboro

Today, my roommate was complaining about a headache, so I offered her some aspirin. She looked at me like I was stupid and said, "Uh… That stuff's only for heart attacks." I'm living with an idiot. FML

agreeclassic 7 588

vote type 1 623

Racing stripes

By Wannabees - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML

agreeclassic 7 505

vote type 1 38 237

Caught in 4K

By tanksfan - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - India

Today, after secretly smoking for more than two years, I decided to quit. I came home from work to see my wife holding a pack and asking me what was it doing behind the toilet seat. FML

agreeclassic 7 486

vote type 1 42 544

Both of you are bad

By driver26 - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was arguing in the car with my boyfriend about who was the better driver. Being so incensed by the fact that he thought he was better made me completely zone out, and run a red light. FML

agreeclassic 7 403

vote type 1 41 744

Late night shopping spree

By DrunkenShopper - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

agreeclassic 7 177

vote type 1 37 029

Be careful tonight!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - France - Ville-d'avray

Today, after a drunken New Year's Eve party with friends, I woke up with a penis on my cheek. It wasn't a drawing. FML

agreeclassic 6 864

vote type 1 2 104

The cliché is true

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

agreeclassic 6 613

vote type 1 65 537

Rock n roll star

By bandfuckup - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my band was playing its first serious gig. I was in the middle of a solo when a drunk guy tackled me, causing me to crash into the drums, breaking them and my guitar, hitting our drummer, knocking him out. FML

agreeclassic 6 466

vote type 1 411

Moment ruined

By Lesbian - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today I took my girlfriend to the cafe where we had our first date, with the intention of proposing. Moments before I took the ring out, some sleazy old guy said, "How are you two fine babes single on a Saturday?" He refused to leave us alone, even when we said we were on a date. FML

agreeclassic 6 418

vote type 1 640

Karma

By fullmoonfml - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to moon people out of my friend's car window. I rolled down the window and mooned a random couple. You should have seen the looks on their faces when I had to get out of the car and pick up my phone and wallet, which were in my back pocket. FML

agreeclassic 6 213

vote type 1 58 457

Dude…

By 50sStyle - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Hartland

Today, during lunch, I choked on my food and possibly came close to death when my boyfriend's best friend performed the Heimlich Maneuver on me, potentially saving my life. My boyfriend then started arguing with me over letting his best friend touch my stomach. FML

agreeclassic 6 007

vote type 1 478

Dying words

By France Howell - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

agreeclassic 5 271

vote type 1 414

"Nice guy"

By missseloit3 - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, I met a nice guy who wanted to chat. I didn't want to be the bitchy type and throw him the "I have a boyfriend" line right away, so I conversed with him. When he asked was I single I, of course, said no. He yelled at me and made a huge scene about me leading him on. FML

agreeclassic 5 232

vote type 1 974

Not really my problem, but OK

By wtf - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I got yelled at multiple times by my boss because my boyfriend didn't show up to work. FML

agreeclassic 5 181

vote type 1 510

A whole load of mess

By ChocolateEverywhere - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

agreeclassic 5 165

vote type 1 586

Wet leg

By meep - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, as I was walking to wash my hands after using the restroom, the guy walking away from the sink flicked water from his hands towards the floor. Water splashed all over my beige shorts. I had to walk back into class looking like I'd peed my pants. FML

agreeclassic 5 085

vote type 1 497

No thanks!

By forever alone - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff - United States - New York

Today, during the garter toss at a wedding, all the eligible men yelped and scrambled, evading it like a falling meteor. They apparently wanted to stay single, rather than put it on and dance with the one who caught the bouquet, which was me. FML

agreeclassic 5 010

vote type 1 518

Fun fun fun

By levsterx - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, my mom dragged me along with her to a baby shower. I was the only guy there. FML

agreeclassic 4 900

vote type 1 705

One of those people

By B-Ry - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I had a date with a girl. The chemistry was just right and she seemed perfect in every way until she staunchly insisted that the earth is flat. FML

agreeclassic 4 875

vote type 1 413

Delightful

By Tori - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML

agreeclassic 4 828

vote type 1 548

End of the line

By almost - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I waited 75 minutes for a rollercoaster. I got on the front seat and it broke a few seconds before it started. It was closed for the rest of the day. FML

agreeclassic 4 668

vote type 1 398

Early warning

By Hoover - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my parents brought me to the doctor because I was "faking" a headache. One thing led to another, and it turns out I have a tumor pressing against my spine. FML

agreeclassic 4 517

vote type 1 427

Disapproving

By Disappointment - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Gresham

Today, I flew home to visit my parents. We haven't seen each other in two years, I've gotten a few tattoos done since, and I knew they wouldn't approve, so I bought whole new outfits that covered everything and looked professional. When I got there, the first thing my mom says to me is, "Is that a nose ring!?" FML

agreeclassic 4 493

vote type 1 2 298

My name is…

By Unnoticed - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - Australia - Thornlie

Today, my colleague introduced herself and said, "I know how nerve-racking first days are!" Which is nice of her, except I've been at this company longer than she has. FML

agreeclassic 4 479

vote type 1 382

Give some, take some

By Stinky - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Roanoke

Today, I learned that some days you win, and some days you clean up skunk carcass with a snow shovel, in the rain, in formerly waterproof boots. FML

agreeclassic 4 403

vote type 1 369

Red flag

By silver - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, while discussing my family on a date, I mentioned that my parents are divorced. She immediately got up and left without a word. FML

agreeclassic 4 356

vote type 1 341

Hello?

By NoHappyEndings - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff - United States - Dundalk

Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML

agreeclassic 4 230

vote type 1 429

Executive confusing

By DoseyGit - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, while brushing my teeth I noticed a hair in the sink. Running the scenario over in my mind, I was going to simultaneously spit into the sink and throw the hair on the floor. Creating a big ball of phlegm, I threw the hair back into the sink and launched a huge mouthful onto the floor. FML

agreeclassic 4 212

vote type 1 3 195

Thanks, Mom

By Wounded_irony - this FML is from back in 2017 but it's good stuff

Today, I was wearing flip flops whilst putting out the trash, and was careful not to step near the broken glass surrounding the trash cans. My mother ran up to me hysterically warning me about the glass, which startled me and caused me to step on a shard, slicing my foot open. FML

agreeclassic 4 207

vote type 1 720

She'll be single for a looong time...

By keiler - this FML is from back in 2018 but it's good stuff

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

agreeclassic 4 087

vote type 1 443

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Sex Intimacy Suspicious Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

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Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

agreeclassic 39 945

vote type 1 3 843

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

agreeclassic 69 118

vote type 1 7 834

Today, I went to my dad, hoping to confess something to him. He quickly said that if I'd got my girlfriend pregnant, he'd kill me. That's exactly what happened. I had to make up a lie instead about stealing $50 from his wallet once as a kid, which he then demanded I pay back in full. FML

agreeclassic 32 708

vote type 1 47 521

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

agreeclassic 24 933

vote type 1 47 488

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

agreeclassic 39 107

vote type 1 11 158

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Everytime I touched her, her jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

agreeclassic 28 651

vote type 1 3 374