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Get a grip

By Hopelesshomeless - 12/03/2013 18:35 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, I moved back to my home town. My best friend and I had arranged to rent a house together that we both liked. I finished my last day at work and made the three-hour drive, only for her to break down and tell me that she isn't "ready" to move out of her parents' basement. She's 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 225

You deserved it 2 931

No, not like that

By God damn it son - 08/08/2022 04:00

Today, after my 10 year-old son asked what equal rights were and I'd explained it means you treat everyone the same, this morning he punched a girl who's been bullying him so hard, he broke her tooth, because, "Equal rights: if she was a boy I'd have hit her before, but equal rights says it doesn't matter if she's a girl, so I hit her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 699

Sex work is work

By Anonymous - 15/11/2023 04:00

Spicy

Today, I was joking to mom that at the rate I’m going I’ll have to start an OnlyFans to afford college next year. She shrugged like it was nothing because apparently prostitution got her through college and bought her her first house before she accidentally got pregnant with me. Um, WHAT? FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 286

By defrauded - 08/03/2013 18:44 - United Kingdom - Oban

Today, I bought a textbook for my college class. Not only is the £150 book only sold by our teacher, it turned out to be a piece of shit that he obviously wrote, printed, and stapled together at home. When I went to the faculty about it, I was told it's all perfectly legal, and to drop it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 832

You deserved it 3 069

Another COVID FML

By Anonymous - 26/05/2021 19:59 - Germany

Today I wanted to get my mind off of everything COVID, so I watched my favorite TV show. It’s about COVID now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 907

You deserved it 125

A teachable moment

By rickshaw rider - 28/05/2021 00:01

Spicy

Today, I caught my son and my wife’s daughter “experimenting” with each other’s privates. They’re not blood related and they are teenagers, so it’s maybe not too bad, but they’ve been raised together since they were roughly about 5 years-old, so it’s still too weird to really understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 522

You deserved it 226

By NoSleep - 26/09/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I had my first day off in weeks. I was excited about getting to sleep in, until my boss called me at 6:30 in the morning to remind me I didn't have to come into work. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 871

You deserved it 3 265

By jennag5 - 24/03/2012 06:45 - Canada - Claresholm

Today, two drop dead gorgeous Australians asked me for directions. Being so shocked by their beauty and accents, I couldn't get words out of my mouth. The one said to the other "Nope she doesn't speak English", then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 328

You deserved it 10 751

By Anonymous - 13/07/2010 08:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I thought it'd be hot to have it off on the golf course once it was dark. Who would've thought that sprinklers start up once it's pitch dark. I got a lot wetter than I thought I would. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 151

You deserved it 42 193

But I'm a man

By moneyman - 05/01/2020 20:00

Today, I went on a date with a beautiful woman I had recently met. Great food, great conversation, and a great connection. That is, until she revealed that she is a lesbian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 163

You deserved it 351

The joys of public transport

By InPain - 17/10/2019 16:00

Today, while riding the train, some druggie got into a dispute with some random passengers. Even though I didn't even look at them fighting, he decided I was a threat and punched me, a pregnant woman, and some bikers. Now I've got a black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 940

You deserved it 154

By Anonymous - 25/02/2013 16:14 - United States

Today, my mom tried to convince my dad that I was a lesbian. Why? Because she was bored. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 693

You deserved it 3 886

By bass - 22/09/2009 01:50 - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 515

You deserved it 2 909

This is America

By ChiefKoala - 20/10/2019 22:00

Today, it will be the third time since moving to this area that I will have to call out of work because of gunshots heard nearby, police looking for someone and advising us to stay indoors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 235

Sensitive snowflake

By onepussytwopussy - 07/03/2014 19:47 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time, and I tried to be sexy by raking my nails down his back. I guess I did it a little too hard, because he shrieked in pain, leapt off me, and limped around the room cursing and whimpering. Mood ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 452

You deserved it 26 548

By Tp - 30/06/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, I walked four blocks with toilet paper hanging out of my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 905

You deserved it 28 929

By calamityjosie - 18/09/2009 17:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I was waiting for a delivery between 9am-8pm. At 7:30 pm, I finally decided to have a 3 minute (desperately needed) shower. During which time the delivery man came. I ran down the street in a towel that barely covered me. He was driving away looking at me in the mirror laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 884

You deserved it 11 218

calamityjosie tells us more.

calamityjosie 0

Saturday 19 September 2009 9:15

Yeah, fair enough, OR 1). If I didn't run after the parcel it would have been sent back to the depot (in Bristol!) And would have gone back to America after 1day there! I would have had to pay extortionate posting for it to come back again! 2). Was being picked up at 8 - so yes I absolutely did have to have a shower! 3). If you'd been waiting all day getting restless would you not panic, given that you wouldn't expect out of a 13 hour slot - the parcel comes during the three minute shower you need?! And yes, it is my own stupidity - that's why it's funny, that I clearly have absolutely no common sense...hence the FML! To be honest I'd join FML too if all I had time to do with my day was leave criticisms on other people's jokes. :)

Freak

By ari - 18/02/2013 22:15 - United States

Today, I started at my new job. The woman who I'll be working right next to 40 hours a week introduced herself with, "I know what your name is. I know what you're planning, and I've been sent to destroy you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 959

You deserved it 3 897

Precious memories

By Mangler - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Belgium

Today, my grandfather died. The last thing he said to me was, "You smell awful." I work in a fish store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 649

You deserved it 5 349

Caturday surprise !

By baxeh - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, my cat pissed all over my work clothes. They weren't even on the floor, she knocked the hanger down just so she could use them as a toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 098

You deserved it 5 075

By Anonymous - 15/09/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 533

You deserved it 4 000

Nuclear family

By Mudturtle - 19/12/2023 16:00 - United States

Today, I got a fantastic job offer at a nuclear power plant. My girlfriend seemed really shocked and upset when I told her. Apparently, working there will make me radioactive, and our children will be mutants. I don't know where to begin with this one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 142

By smellyfeet - 01/06/2010 16:19 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 116

You deserved it 5 695

Smart guy

By Anonymous - 24/06/2021 00:01

Spicy

Today, my male model boyfriend admitted to me that he has developed an eating disorder because of his career. He also told me we couldn't have sex anymore, because he might somehow absorb the food I eat, from my body, through intercourse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 793

You deserved it 308

Weird family time

By Anonymous - 12/02/2014 17:26 - United States - Louisville

Today, my in-laws kept mocking me for being "too clean" because I take a shower every day. They think I'm weird and kept saying things like, "Be careful when you hug your daughter, she might squeak!" and calling me names like "water-wasting bitch." They haven't stopped all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 271

You deserved it 4 429

Never mess with CPS

By how is that funny - 10/09/2022 06:30

Today, my idiot husband put a can of cat food in our daughter's lunchbox as a "joke". The school called CPS. Now we have to go to a hearing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 280

By Jims - 29/04/2011 14:00 - Singapore

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 479

You deserved it 5 769

By Evolution mama - 05/02/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 208

You deserved it 24 286

By Denki - 30/01/2013 12:21 - China - Beijing

Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 188

You deserved it 4 518

By cdn_steed - 23/04/2011 13:11 - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 989

You deserved it 4 664

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The Top

The Top

Today, I was babysitting an eleven year-old boy. He decided we would play with Nerf guns with Velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck to his pants, and he wiggled it for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 302

You deserved it 13 280

Today, I went on a date with someone I've been talking to online for weeks. Unfortunately, it turns out they'd used old photos and misrepresented themselves, and I didn't find them attractive at all. Even I'm not that desperate. We ended up having an awkward dinner and I couldn't wait for it to be over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 208

Today, I went to my step-sister's for family dinner. Her husband was really drunk and openly hit on me in front of most of my family. I nonchalantly ignored his advances. Later, my step-mom said it would not have happened if I didn't dress like a skank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 376

You deserved it 5 975

Today, I found a guy I play Pokémon Go with on Facebook. We decided to meet up at a popular hunting spot so we could organize a trade. His wife showed up out of nowhere, causing a huge scene and threatening to kick my ass. I had my husband and kids with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 125

You deserved it 181

Today, I finally thought that my mother was okay with me being a lesbian. Then, over dinner, she turns to me and says, "So, do you still think you like girls, or are you going to start being normal again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 822

You deserved it 11 185

Today, I was in a good mood for once, but my professor looked at me and said, "I don't know what you ate for breakfast but you're really annoying today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 641

You deserved it 3 788