The Top

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By steve - 05/09/2012 08:14 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I didn't take her pet rock seriously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 091

You deserved it 5 352

Great balls of fire

By Ouch - 19/01/2017 08:19

Today, my hand is covered in blisters because my boyfriend thought it would be fun to set an old insurance card on fire. Out of panic, he slapped the card against the wall in a failed attempt to put it out. Also out of panic, I slapped the flaming wall with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 016

You deserved it 2 049

By anonymous1 - 14/06/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, my sister and I got fitted for bridesmaid's dresses. It was pretty sheer material, so I took off my bright pink thong and left it on the changing room hanger. As I was looking at myself in the mirror, a woman came out of the room holding my thong. She had tried it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 709

You deserved it 11 024

By Passtheicecream - 25/01/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that the last of my super feminist "I'm never getting tied to a man" college friends got engaged. Apparently, I should have tried that tactic, as my current partner in life is my goldfish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 482

You deserved it 627

By Anonymous - 09/08/2013 23:29 - Switzerland

Today, a man pulled a knife on me just so he could mug me of the cigarette I was smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 532

You deserved it 7 816

By Laura - 08/10/2011 04:49 - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 344

You deserved it 45 355

By names suck and so do I - 08/08/2013 12:54 - United Kingdom - Oxford

Today, I confessed my feelings to the guy I've had the biggest crush on. He spent the next ten minutes calling me delusional, said that I know nothing about him, and laughed that "this isn't Twilight, for fuck's sake". All he did when I started crying was pat me on the head and leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 222

You deserved it 10 163

Acceptance

By knzknz - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was asked if my bellybutton was an 'innie' or an 'outtie.' My bellybutton has been hidden by fat for so long that I couldn't remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 942

You deserved it 42 293

Jump scare

By izzy46111 - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I saw a long black hair coming out of the drain. Thinking it was my sister's, I called her in and pulled it out for her to see, only to realize I was actually pulling out a long brown roach by the antenna. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 494

You deserved it 5 323

By NoBabies - 09/11/2014 04:06 - United States - Tucson

Today, the last of my close friends announced she is pregnant. Meanwhile, I'm single and my nest is empty. Well, not exactly, because even my freaking cat is pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 548

You deserved it 5 012

Alas, poor Kermit

By traumatizedforlife - 05/08/2013 20:21 - United States

Today, I stepped out of the house for some fresh air. It was still dark out, so imagine my horror when I accidentally stepped on a frog. It squealed for a split second before being crushed beneath my uncovered foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 443

You deserved it 6 807

By drixxy - 29/08/2012 15:01 - United States - Irvine

Today, my car was towed for the second time in front of my own house. They tried to tell me it was because they didn't think I lived there anymore. The person who had it towed had just spoken to me not three hours before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 197

You deserved it 1 700

By Anonymous - 11/12/2018 22:00

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 787

You deserved it 182

Where on Earth do you work?

By Anonymous - 26/08/2012 23:39 - Canada - Mississauga

Spicy

Today, the office I work at put up a "No Masturbating at Desks" sign. I'm disappointed by this, not because I usually whack off at my desk, but because enough people do that there needs to be a sign against it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 435

You deserved it 4 303

By Anonymous - 25/08/2012 12:47 - United States - Brockton

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about being super heroes. He said I could be "The Period" because I'm a bitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 755

You deserved it 9 063

By Anonymous - 25/12/2009 00:18 - United States

Today, I found out my grandpa died. As I rushed home crying to comfort my parents, I got pulled over for speeding. The officer told me to cut out the "fake" tears". When I told him my grandpa just died he tacked on another $100 for lying to an officer. Worst. Christmas. Ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 364

You deserved it 3 524

By Rotarius - 23/08/2012 18:09 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, instead of staying home, I took an hour-long bus ride in the middle of the night to my girlfriend's place because on the phone she said, "I desperately need your body right now". It turned out she was just cold. She is also on her period. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 955

You deserved it 37 051

By Anonymous - 01/11/2014 18:23 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, my girlfriend came over to my place unannounced. She slapped me in the face, said, "You son of a bitch." and stormed off. I have no idea what that was for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 894

You deserved it 5 529

By majorlyturnedoff - 21/08/2012 03:02 - United States

Spicy

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 353

You deserved it 3 343

By Anonymous - 04/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 107

You deserved it 5 908

Tonight, on Euphoria…

By Anonymous - 08/03/2022 00:01

Spicy

Today, my 15 year-old just told me she's pregnant and she isn’t sure which guy she slept with is the dad. I can’t even deal with this, she's 15 so I’m sure sex is illegal at her age, plus which boyfriend? How many does she have? I’ve been sober for 26 years, but god I want a scotch right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 366

You deserved it 305

Heavy sleeper

By good_aim - 27/07/2013 08:03 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 321

You deserved it 26 936

By Anonymous - 18/08/2012 04:51 - Australia - Forestville

Today, the whole family came over to celebrate my 18th birthday. My grandfather bought me a giant mathematics book. Apparently, he didn't want my 16 year old sister to be "jealous", so he got her the new iPad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 273

You deserved it 2 094

By Anonymous - 12/02/2017 08:00 - United States - Princeton

Today, my husband caught me scratching my armpit with his beard brush. Just last week I swore that I never touch it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 454

You deserved it 12 389

By Anonymous - 23/09/2011 10:41 - United States

Spicy

Today, desperate for my boyfriend to notice me for once, I started noisily masturbating while he was playing World of Warcraft. His response was to put his headphones on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 418

You deserved it 13 068

By letstradefamilies - 21/12/2015 21:50 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my relatives told me that when I stay at their house for the holidays, I'm no longer allowed to be out past 10 because somebody drugged my drink once. I'm a 25 year old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 401

You deserved it 1 846

By Anonymous - 29/11/2010 15:16 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has been cheating on me by finding orange panties in my closet. His excuse was "they're a Christmas gift." Thanks honey, I get panties that won't fit, and have little brown streaks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 050

You deserved it 3 212

By Ariel - 02/06/2009 12:19 - Israel

Spicy

Today, I got an "Enlarge your penis" email for the millionth time. I was about to dismiss it when I saw the FW: from my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 93 440

You deserved it 7 775

By dafuqdidihear - 11/08/2012 06:53 - Canada - Brampton

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend cutely climbed through my bedroom window for some sexy time. He decided he'd introduce bondage. As I was tied to the bed, completely naked, we heard the front door open. He got scared and left via the window, leaving me handcuffed to my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 502

You deserved it 8 516

dafuqdidihear tells us more.

dafuqdidihear 11

Saturday 11 August 2012 22:13

I'm the original poster. He left, scared that my roommate would come in... I don't live with my parents and I'm most definitely not too young for sex, if I may say so myself. I live in a two story with a large tree in my backyard (hence how he managed to enter my room). He didn't want my roommate seeing him because my roommate just about despises my boyfriend. She'd snap, had she seen him. The last time they had an encounter was in a supermarket and she gave him a black eye. Long story. So he left... Leaving my roommate to wonder why I was tied to a bed at 1am, alone and naked. My answer to why was funny though.. I told her I didn't know why I was tied to a bed, nor naked. I said I woke up that way a while ago and screamed for help but nobody came, so I decided to merely wait for her. lol. She was creeped out and now she won't sleep in her room without her window and doors locked.

By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 350

You deserved it 14 547

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The Top

The Top

Today, I sneezed my jaw out of socket. Yes, this is possible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 091

You deserved it 2 240

Today, I had two 100's and two singles in my wallet. The two 100's was for my electric bill and the two singles were for the bus. Once I got off the bus and to the electric company, I noticed only my singles were there. Turns out I paid the bus driver $200. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 097

You deserved it 40 502

Today, my father yelled at me for changing one of his two programmable seat positions in his car because he uses both. Apparently, #1 is for sober driving and #2 is for high/drunk driving. Go dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 490

You deserved it 3 661

Today, while stepping out of the shower, I slipped and cut my head. I went to the hospital, got 8 stitches and was tested for head trauma. After hours of ignoring my calls and texts, my girlfriend finally responded, very angrily. Why? Today is her birthday, and I "selfishly made it about me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 158

You deserved it 4 159

Today, while on vacation, my brother asked a native of the area for help. Once he got it, he thanked them with "Muchos gracias" in the best Spanish accent he could do. We're in Japan. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 775

You deserved it 1 034

Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 150

You deserved it 5 041