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By Savviecat97 - 25/07/2019 00:01

Today, I finally got to see the results of the new timesheet I made to make things simpler for both the employees and the managers. Apparently, 75% of them don't know how to read. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 497

You deserved it 211

By TLJ321 - 18/05/2012 07:41

Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 617

You deserved it 58 954

By freylero - 27/10/2009 19:35 - United Kingdom

Today, my son's hamster died. It was overweight and got stuck in its plastic tube. My 6 year old son came downstairs to me smashing a plastic tube with a dead hamster in it on the kitchen table. He thinks I killed it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 655

You deserved it 5 249

freylero tells us more.

freylero 5

Wednesday 28 October 2009 11:55

Basically, he's had hamsters that have dies before, and we always gave them a funeral... so I didn't want to bury him in a plastic tube so my husband gave me the job of removing the hamster....

Dumbass

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, we were having a little bonfire. At some point, while I was inside, my stupid roommate filled a beer can with lighter fluid and threw it in the fire, resulting in it spewing 5-foot flames, catching the pile of wood and the chair next to it on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 255

By Anonymous - 25/04/2013 15:10 - Canada - Midland

Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, internet dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 011

You deserved it 15 338

By spiderhater - 12/04/2009 18:11 - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 106 856

You deserved it 5 334

By gorillalove - 11/09/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I went to a zoo that had a gorilla in a cage. I walked up, and the gorilla stopped what he was doing, looked me in the eyes, and started jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 334

You deserved it 10 575

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 265

You deserved it 8 801

By dumped - 23/08/2015 10:22 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 525

You deserved it 2 490

By kittyjoe - 08/08/2019 16:00 - Australia

Today, while feeling sorry for myself that I can't find a guy, a girl on the talk show I was watching said, "You're never gonna find a guy sitting at home in your jammies with the cat." I'm sitting at home in my jammies with the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 418

You deserved it 841

Party time!

By Kate - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom said we are having a party for the 4th of July. Her definition of a party is my grandma coming over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 179

You deserved it 4 087

By internetloser - 16/08/2017 23:15 - United States - Kewaskum

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. How, you may ask? He used the Adult Swim "We should see other people" commercial. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 623

You deserved it 304

By thatwasmiz - 08/04/2009 06:38 - United States

Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 564

You deserved it 79 005

By whoops - 25/05/2014 21:23 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, thanks to my phone's shitty predictive text combined with me being half-asleep, I accidentally offered my heartbroken buddy "oral support" if he ever needs it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 091

You deserved it 10 232

By BarBacked - 15/04/2013 07:31 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor to inquire about the nasty rash on my arms. He concluded that I'm allergic to beer and the rash will go away if I stay away from it. I'm a bartender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 623

You deserved it 4 097

By Anonymous - 12/04/2013 15:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm, he pulled away and said that my vagina is like a mask and that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to my vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 580

You deserved it 11 829

Alone time

By Anonymous - 19/04/2021 14:00

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 361

You deserved it 361

Mom of the year

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, my mother sat me down and told me, "I'm not going to lie, I hate living with you. Please get a job and move out." I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 506

You deserved it 313

By Sam - 24/06/2011 04:46 - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 958

You deserved it 4 905

By ktmla - 11/05/2014 04:13 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, a customer cussed me out for hiding behind the counter a jacket she's been "eyeing since it came out". She loudly exclaimed that she was going to report me to my manager and get me "fired." It was my personal jacket that we don't even sell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 122

You deserved it 3 668

ktmla tells us more.

ktmla 14

Monday 12 May 2014 20:12

OP here. To those of you who referred to me as "he"... I'm a girl :) I work at Hollister and the jacket is actually one my friend from Georgia gave me. It's his school jacket so I'm not sure why she wanted it. #1 Damn straight. #2 We don't but I'll make sure to put it in the suggestion box :-) #3 I was worried she would try to jack it (get it)... #18 I would've assumed the same thing had it not be from a school in a different state. #24 It's one of those things where it's only nice to me for sentimental reasons haha. Thanks though. #28 Although that is often true my manager is really cool so after the whole thing was over I was able to explain exactly what happened and I didn't get in trouble. #44 Thank you for your novel :-) you rock. #48/71 (and anyone's else who wanted clarification): I know your comment was buried but actually we do have that exact rule. We aren't allowed to have any personal items visible except for the clothes/accessories we are wearing (which are required to be from the store as part of the dress code). My jacket was actually behind the counter in a place not visible to customers and had she not been walking behind the counter (against the rules btw) to get to the dressing rooms she never would've seen it. I just couldn't include that in the 300 character fml. #64 I'm guessing that was a joke :) But if you were serious then if you are ever working in retail don't do anything like that unless you want to get fired. #67 More than you know. #74 Nah, she was just a bitch. #73 By fill pup I'm assuming you mean follow up. But you're right some people can really be jerks sometimes! #88 Exactly. #66 Obviously (not a) Product #83 The only place I told her to go was hell.. Wow, just kidding, that was dramatic of me. But no it was a school jacket. #84 I'm sorry that sucks.. Sorry this is so long I wanted to try to reply to as many people as possible. -Katie