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Ouch

By footbloodfountain - 15/01/2012 10:53 - Canada

Today, I realized why buying clear pins for the wall is a bad idea. If one falls out, you won't be able to see it with your eyes, but your foot will find it just fine. I also learnt foot wounds can produce a pretty significant geyser of blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 229

You deserved it 6 738

By doctorsandnurses - 13/01/2012 10:47 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 804

You deserved it 4 613

What just happened?

By myrie - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I asked a guy out on a coffee date, and we started talking about our mutual careers. At the end of the date, he asked me if I had any more questions about job opportunities or any more advice, then shook my hand, and gave me his contact card. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 353

You deserved it 3 846

Pervy perv walks

By Cashier - 09/03/2011 05:36 - Canada

Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for "the trouble" I caused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 328

You deserved it 3 806

New life, new kink

By Anonymous - 01/04/2024 00:00 - Denmark

Spicy

Today, I found out my mom was a swinger when I opened a closet and saw a water bottle saying something with "Swinger Club" on it, with three bags beside it with all kinds of shit in it. She's also doing pole dancing "as a sport" and wanted to have one installed in our living room. My parents divorced just a couple of months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 467

You deserved it 193

By Dxx - 06/03/2011 07:18 - United States

Today, I was babysitting for my usual parents. After putting the baby to sleep I put some popcorn in the microwave and went to the bathroom. When I came out the whole kitchen was filled with smoke. One of the neighbors saw and called 911. I'm out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 248

You deserved it 34 927

By gtrs750 - 09/08/2009 13:48 - Canada

Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 105 367

You deserved it 8 817

Let it all out

By Anonymous - 24/05/2020 17:00

Spicy

Today, I had too much to eat at dinner. I had to cut sexy time with my husband short because I couldn't do it. I feel bad because it's his birthday today but we stopped. I then proceeded to throw up everything I ate today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 563

You deserved it 674

Little shit

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to pick up my little brother from his friend's house. When I got there, he ran off screaming that he didn't know me. His friend's parents believed him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 359

You deserved it 3 318

By anonymous - 05/03/2011 05:34 - France

Today, I found out the hard way that if you think a waiter is hot, you probably shouldn't tell your parents. They could react by screaming at him across the room to tell him you think he's a hottie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 910

You deserved it 16 367

Slip of the tongue

By Anonymous - 22/05/2020 23:00

Today, a few army recruiters came to my school to discuss their jobs with us. When asked to say our name and what we wanted to do when we were older, I said I wanted to be a prosecutor. Everyone started laughing. Turns out everyone thought I said prostitute, including the recruiters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 231

Judgement

By Anonymous - 13/10/2025 03:00

Today, I was venting to my dog about how my roommate never cleans. I said, “You’re the only one who listens, at least you don’t judge me.” I didn’t realize my roommate was standing behind me holding a trash bag. The dog wagged his tail. My roommate did not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 102

You deserved it 408

Defeated

By Aaron - 09/12/2012 23:34 - United States - Matthews

Today, I decided to talk to a girl at the gym I had seen there a lot. I walked up to her at the station she was at and asked her out to dinner sometime. I didn't realize she had been wearing headphones. She took them off and asked if I was waiting on the station. My courage left. I said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 739

You deserved it 4 940

Glad for you

By Forever Alone x2 - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that the only two people I've had feelings for in years are both dating each other. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 338

You deserved it 4 152

It's never like in the movies

By Anonymous - 06/09/2021 19:59

Today, after giving a speech at college, I did the good ol' mic drop. The microphone fell with a loud bang that was heard through the clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 220

You deserved it 1 441

By Ivan - 02/03/2011 10:10

Today, at work I tried to help an old man by opening the door for him. He flipped me off because I was wearing a Kansas State University shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 528

You deserved it 9 278

Never disrespect the cat

By Rafiki - 22/02/2010 03:14 - United States

Today, while I was at my girlfriend's house, I picked up her cat and held him like he was baby Simba. Apparently he didn't enjoy that, because he managed to somehow leap out of my hands and attach himself to my chest, claws extended. I now have four one-inch-long gashes on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 289

You deserved it 31 867

Sorry honey

By Anonymous - 30/11/2022 00:00

Today, my boyfriend and I get along very well, but I’m not used to being extremely close to somebody. Every time we are together, I always somehow manage to elbow him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 652

You deserved it 223

Not like that

By weirdo - 21/02/2010 08:44 - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 350

You deserved it 5 050

Sick burn

By littl3storm - 01/06/2020 17:00

Today, while sitting an at home university exam, I started getting period cramps. I decided to use a heat patch to help. I left it on for the allotted time, but when I took it off, it peeled my skin off and burnt the surrounding skin. I'm now burnt AND still experiencing cramps. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 797

You deserved it 225

These aren't moans of pleasure

By Anonymous - 12/04/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I hooked up with a guy I know from the gym. This dude is built like The Hulk, over 6 feet tall and almost 24 stone. We were really getting into it when he slipped and his whole weight went onto my knee, which bent completely the wrong way and dislocated everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 674

You deserved it 155

By Anonymous - 19/11/2013 16:50

Today, my boss declared total bankruptcy of the company and I lost my job. The good news is my coworkers and I all received McDonald's 10%-off coupons. They expired in 2003. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 469

You deserved it 2 911

By jack - 28/02/2011 05:43

Today, my shoulder was pulled out of its socket when I was helping a customer load a desk into his vehicle and he decided to answer his cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 822

You deserved it 2 527

By SweetheartSusie - 04/12/2012 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, I faced a dilemma. If I don't let the cat sleep in my bedroom, she spends all night howling at the door, waking up my 2-year-old in the process. If I do let her in, the dog gets distressed and chews the contents of the bin. If I let both of them in, I have no room to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 347

You deserved it 6 139

SweetheartSusie tells us more.

SweetheartSusie 20

Wednesday 5 December 2012 10:10

Hey, OP here. For all of those who suggest drowning/bludgeoning/killing my cat, shame on you. I really hope you don't have a pet. For those of you who kindly suggested crating my dog, It's a good suggestion that I will keep in mind. My home is a two bedroom affair, I don't have a spare room to shut them in. My cat is a very nervous kitty, she was a kitten that came from a home with lots of young boys poking and prodding her and prefers the serenity and calmness I give to her. She becomes immensely stressed when I'm nowhere to be found. As for the dog, he is actually my boyfriend's dog and his is a case of boredom. Without the cat to play with during the night, he becomes mischievous and searches for trouble. No matter how well you plan, you'll never get everything and inevitably, there will be something he's shredded. Be it bin contents, washing or, once, the cat litter. Despite the numerous toys he has available. Our bed is a small double, and fitting a dog and a cat into the space barely meant to contain two adults is difficult. Adding a 2-year-old on top of that is a nightmare. For the moment, we're resigned to continue things the way they are. Your friendly OP - SweetheartSusie.

By monochromatic - 20/02/2010 03:13 - United States

Today, I found out that the 20% pay cut that the "management team" took at my job really only applied to... me. I also found out that my closest friend at work has been lying to me about it, and telling my boss everything I say. His pay was never cut. I guess it pays to be the boss's snitch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 114

You deserved it 2 520

By msnewyearseve - 01/01/2012 17:19 - United States

Today, I woke up after a long night of partying. When I went to wash off my face, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. My missing tooth was almost enough to make me overlook my black eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 879

You deserved it 33 170

Pranks are dangerous

By fieldmarshalclitter - 01/12/2012 20:21 - United States

Today, to scare my little brother I dressed up as the killer from the Scream movies. The outfit was a little too long on me, and I ended up falling down the stairs. Not only was he doubled over laughing, but so were the people in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 000

You deserved it 28 531

By EpicFail - 25/01/2009 04:25 - Canada

Today, I got a text message saying, "I'm sorry, I know it's our 4 month anniversary but it's not working out, I need to break up with you" followed by her complaining that I never call her as well. WTF? I haven't had a girlfriend for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 308

You deserved it 2 721

Take it easy

By Anonymous - 16/09/2021 17:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, despite my muscles being just fine, my genetic collagen deformity has caused insane amounts of pain over things like 'walking' or 'sweeping the floor'. I used to be able to hike up mountains. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 072

You deserved it 93

By Awks - 30/11/2012 06:30 - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 044

You deserved it 6 103

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The Top

The Top

Today, my husband won't seek medical treatment for a condition he's been living with for years because he saw an episode of House, in which the treatment made the condition worse in a very rare instance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 110

You deserved it 1 833

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 751

You deserved it 28 025

Today, despite being claustrophobic and avoiding lifts at all costs, I had to use the lift at work to carry boxes of paper to the 3rd floor. It broke down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 799

You deserved it 310

Today, I went grocery shopping at the store near my house. Upon checking out, I look up to see that my cashier is none other than the woman I went on a date with a few months ago, and whose calls and texts I ignored after she began to obsess over me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 451

You deserved it 728

Today, I realized that in order to get a girl, I have to lose 100lbs and/or get facial reconstruction. If I meet a girl, we get close, I do everything to make her happy, only to be told, “I only like you as a friend.” I also get told that I’d make a “great boyfriend” yet they don’t choose me. Being overlooked sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 372

You deserved it 355

Today, I got dumped, so I was sad. I was so unpopular in my friend group that everyone but two people "sided with my ex" in their words; the other two "didn't side." I'd told my ex that I hated her, so I asked my friend to tell her I'm sorry, my ex-friend then replied with death threats. Like WHAT? FML

I agree, your life sucks 90

You deserved it 395