The Top

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Wow, thanks, I'm cured

By me. - 22/07/2023 10:00

Today, I told my mom that I'm bulimic and have been for a few years, and that I needed help. She responded by saying, "Well that's clearly not working for you. Why don't you try anorexia?" She then patted me on the head, smiled, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 040

You deserved it 157

By poolfail - 06/08/2014 21:14

Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 121

You deserved it 6 558

By TLT - 16/11/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 504

You deserved it 5 857

By smartgirl - 01/05/2009 23:48 - Canada

Today, at the awards ceremony at my school, I ended up winning the top achievement award in my grade. The principal spent at least ten minutes talking about my success to the audience, the whole time referring to me as a "he" as I stood right next to him. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 597

You deserved it 5 497

By goner - 01/05/2012 04:05 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided it would be funny to pull a prank on her family who we were going to see for dinner. I hid in the foyer while she went in and announced to her parents that she was leaving me. I watched as her mother hugged her daughter and cried "Finally..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 315

You deserved it 21 594

Special day

By buymeadrank - 30/04/2009 15:11 - United States

Today, it's my long-anticipated 21st birthday! Today also happens to be the first day of my period. I've spent the whole morning in the fetal position with agonizing cramps, reduced to tears, and whimpering while the painkiller refuses to kick in. Happy birthday! Love, my uterus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95 670

You deserved it 9 307

Sensitive subject

By Anonymous - 28/07/2023 15:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Spicy

Today, I'm 55 and I've been with my 61 year-old hubs for 32 years. He has next to no sex drive. When I asked him to tell me what is attractive about me, he said I'm nice, witty, easy to talk to. I asked what physically is attractive about me. He said, "You're not gross and you're not obese." He then got mad at me when I started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 926

You deserved it 436

By Anonymous - 31/07/2014 17:28 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 676

You deserved it 4 800

By Username - 05/08/2011 19:06 - United States

Today, even though I made the point of tanning naked, I still got tan lines thanks to my fat rolls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 089

You deserved it 45 463

By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 15:06 - United States

Today, while at my friend's house, I decided to climb up on a shelf and pounce on him when he came back downstairs. When I heard someone coming, I assumed it was him and pounced. It was his grandma carrying the laundry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 774

You deserved it 44 852

By ZINGER - 14/11/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 500

You deserved it 6 462

By fmmmmlll - 12/06/2012 05:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend brought up the time he said he'd love me until the day he died. He continued by saying, "So, let's just pretend I died today." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 233

You deserved it 2 456

Technologically Challenged

By paper towel virgin - 24/05/2013 00:24 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I was using a restroom with automatic sinks and toilets. I assumed the paper towel dispensers were automatic too. I stood there waving my hands like an idiot before a girl walked in, pulled a lever, and made paper towels come out for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 335

You deserved it 40 315

By PunctureWound - 10/10/2010 00:57 - Canada

Today, we were playing a game at work where whenever someone is in the washroom, we throw a 2 inch lug nut at the door because it makes a huge bang and scares whoever is in there. I was just opening the door to exit when someone threw the nut. It hit me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 797

You deserved it 28 784

By Anonymous - 12/11/2009 11:17 - Australia

Today, I realized that I hadn't shaved in so long that when the wind blew, the hairs on my legs moved in the breeze. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 870

You deserved it 49 491

Night terrors

By Anonymous - 24/02/2021 17:01 - Netherlands

Today, at 2 a.m. I heard a noise coming from the living room. I thought somebody must be breaking in, so I had to save my cats. When I opened the door, all I could see was the only plant I owned, all over the room. The cats just greeted me with a friendly purr, like they were happy I was joining them in their sandbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 888

You deserved it 237

By Rob - 09/10/2010 04:09 - United States

Today, I got chased, threatened and assaulted by a cab driver because I wouldn't take the credit card receipt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 052

You deserved it 7 017

Nice try

By Journo - 27/04/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, after two months of unemployment, I got a call from a marketing firm offering me an interview for an entry-level position. While Googling the company, I discovered it's a scam. I graduated college in 3 years with a 3.5 GPA, and the only interview I can get is at a fake company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 152

You deserved it 5 022

Didn't see ya there!

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - Canada - Langley

Today, I managed to punch a customer's child as he walked around the corner just as I was enthusiastically pointing his mother in the direction of what she was looking for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 730

You deserved it 4 655

By BbyDelight - 27/04/2009 03:39 - Canada

Today, it was my mom's birthday. I decided to get her a Willow Tree statue of a woman fairy holding a heart. After dinner, I presented my gift. My mother asked me how much it was. I replied, $30. She threw me a dirty look, shoved the present in my direction, and told me to return it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 824

You deserved it 8 650

What are you most angry about?

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 14:01

Today, my husband got fired from his government-mandated "volunteer" work due to a sexual harassment complaint he filed. He's morbidly obese and still gets more attention in the years we've been together than my whole life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 808

You deserved it 205

By Anonymous - 06/06/2012 18:21 - United States

Today, I pulled a neck muscle while head-banging. I wasn't at a concert, and I'm not in a heavy metal band, but I do pretend that I am while I'm in the shower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 597

You deserved it 24 412

By Anonymous - 24/06/2019 22:04

Today, I just got back from a party, where I spent most of the night comforting the girl I like. Why? Because the guy she likes was being grinded on by another girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 511

You deserved it 480

By LissaMccracken - 19/07/2014 01:04 - United States - Bentonville

Today, I was using a public restroom. After about a minute of me being in there, a little girl came in and started pounding on the door, screaming that she had to go. My pregnancy hormones are so bad that I almost burst into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 434

You deserved it 17 407

LissaMccracken tells us more.

LissaMccracken 23

Saturday 19 July 2014 19:53

Wow! I must really deserve this! Haha well to clear this up, this restroom was one that had more than one stall. There were plenty of other toilets, she was just upset that the one she wanted was taken. But thanks to all the people saying really nice things!!! It means a lot!

Nature is healing

By screwthewilderness - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I visited my vacation cabin. I've been planning to sell it, and it was in perfect condition when I last visited about 6 months ago. I walked in the door to find the floor covered in muddy pawprints and bloody remainders of meals. It appears some bears moved in during my absence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 3 770

You must conform!

By Anonymous - 12/08/2023 06:00 - United States - Eagle Mountain

Today, and for the past year, my sisters have been guilt-tripping me for not giving their kids some cousins to hang out with. I hate kids and I don’t feel bad, but it’s starting to get annoying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 001

You deserved it 113

By Anonymous - 16/05/2013 04:39 - United States - Cleveland

Today, at the supermarket, a man collapsed. I gave CPR while the cashier called for help. During this, the other patrons were complaining that no other register was open. Once the ambulance arrived, I returned to my cart to find items removed and 40 dollars taken from my purse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 613

You deserved it 4 066

Boozed up

By AuntSucka - 08/11/2009 01:35 - United States

Today, I let my nephew and his friend spend the night to watch movies. After I fell asleep, they stole my liquor and went roaming. When they saw the cop car in front of my house and realized they were busted, they went up to the cop and told them I gave them the alcohol to avoid being grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 647

You deserved it 3 703

Top of the morning

By munnyfish - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, as I was waking up, I let out a huge morning fart. When I opened my eyes, I realized that I was crashing at a friend's place, along with four other people. Yep, they all heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 620

You deserved it 34 111

Don't tread on me

By Kate - 23/04/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the train. It arrived, I got on and the woman behind me stepped on the back of my shoe. My shoe came flying off and landed in the gutter between the train and the platform. The doors closed, the train pulled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 954

You deserved it 3 232

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Keywords

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The Top

The Top

Today, I got fired via Facebook messenger in a chat that also included a coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 213

You deserved it 629

Today, at work, I had to explain to a customer that she can't connect her tablet to her home WiFi while she's at work. I went to MIT for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 766

You deserved it 821

Today, I dressed up as Santa Claus for my employees' children. After seeing all the others, my daughter's turn arrived. She sat on my lap, put her lips to my ear, and whispered softly: "I want a new dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 057

You deserved it 6 162

Today, my mom found my pack of cigarettes. She's now making me go to rehab. I had only smoked one cigarette ever just to try it. I didn't even like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 813

You deserved it 47 172

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend took some extremely strong painkillers that unfortunately gave him a giddy sense of euphoria. He then stripped naked in his parents' lounge room and yelled, "You've all seen it before!" His really religious parents didn't know this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 624

You deserved it 197

Today, my wife got a call from my son's school, telling her that he was talking inappropriately in class, using bad language. Neither my wife or I ever use foul language, spoken or written. I feel like such a failure as father and parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 755

You deserved it 378