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Scammers gonna scam

By Anonymous - 17/03/2022 16:00 - United States - Morganville

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend already married, but she and her husband were planning some wacky scheme to steal all of my money, and run away to strike again in a new location, with new names. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 369

You deserved it 98

Not cool

By Wet - 21/06/2023 15:00

Today, a woman started breastfeeding her infant in a restaurant. Disgusted, I told her to take it to the bathroom, as I was eating. In response, she squirted me with milk then went back to ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 242

You deserved it 4 069

By MegGRRRz - 28/11/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, I woke up and took my mom to work. It wasn't until after I got home, logged on Facebook and looked at the upcoming birthdays to see that it was her birthday today. No wonder she was silent the entire car ride and slammed the door on the way out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 846

You deserved it 57 078

Crossed purposes

By Anonymous - 19/06/2013 07:18 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, my duty manager demanded we close the bar early because she wanted to go home. I was subject to abuse from customers for closing early, then shouted at by the duty manager for not being done. My actual bar manager fired me for closing early. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 655

You deserved it 4 194

By Ottawa - 12/05/2009 14:11 - Canada

Today, I was in line for Star Trek and chatting with another couple about a guy who came to the movie wearing a Starfleet uniform. We were having a good snicker about this "Geek" until my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the sound made by the Star Trek communicator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 424

You deserved it 84 558

More than I'd like to know

By Anonymous - 26/06/2023 22:00

Today, I had to restrain my neighbour because he and his wife were so stoned that they were trying to have sex on my lawn. I got close enough to find out they have matching genital piercings, a ring through her clitoris and an identical ring in his penis. I need therapy, or alcohol, lots of alcohol FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 139

You deserved it 174

By collball22 - 22/08/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, I was with my boyfriend and I said that I was self-conscious of my acne. He told me that only one of my zits was noticeable and that it wasn't so bad. In fact he said it looked cool, like a bullet wound or something "awesome" like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 438

You deserved it 5 416

By Samantha - 30/10/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 with my boyfriend. In hopes of him putting his arm around me or holding my hand, I told him that I was very scared and pretended to cry a little. He told me to be quiet because I was ruining the movie for him. Then he moved seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 222

You deserved it 42 961

By samantha246 - 11/05/2009 19:46 - United States

Today, I was pulling out of my driveway and was watching out for the flowers I'd just planted. I moved my head to look out of my window to avoid them, not realizing my window was up. I then hit my head, broke my nose and drove all over the flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 673

You deserved it 43 282

Reputation

By LadyLuck - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I went to go visit my beloved husband in the hospital. As I went past the nurses' station, I heard them talking about "the bastard in room 303." I went on to visit my husband… in room 303. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 289

You deserved it 5 469

Don't look up

By sparky83000 - 29/10/2015 20:51 - Canada

Today, at work on a construction site, my coworker dropped a small piece of metal from 4 stories, and it struck another worker. We quickly began to climb down to see if the person was OK, and the same coworker dropped a metal pole, and crushed my hand, two minutes after the first accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 204

You deserved it 1 456

By Anonymous - 26/08/2014 18:11 - Latvia - Riga

Today, my boss asked me if I could work this weekend, doing the work of 2 people, for almost no extra pay. I had a weekend out with my kids planned, so I said I couldn't. My boss called it a shitty excuse, yet gave a free pass to a guy who claimed he had a "phobia of working on weekends". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 740

You deserved it 2 705

By Anonymous - 14/06/2013 01:44 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 413

You deserved it 27 927

By Anonymous - 18/05/2019 20:00

Today, I realized cigarettes are my cure for boredom. I bore myself out of $2000-plus a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 1 928

Check this out

By Anonymous - 15/04/2022 12:00

Today, I’ve been getting a lot of strange messages from guys on the dating site I use, then I realised why: on my profile pic I'm sat down and you can see my nice underwear up my skirt. That explains the messages, they thought I was trolling for men to hump and dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 454

You deserved it 1 052

By unknown - 12/06/2013 17:33 - United States - Tulare

Today, I was walking to the gym when the woman in front of me dropped some cash. I picked it up and tried to get her attention. She saw the money and thought I was trying to pay her to sleep with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 029

You deserved it 4 488

By babyeaternomnom - 30/06/2012 16:22 - Canada - Brampton

Today, I caught my elderly neighbour skinny-dipping in my pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 925

You deserved it 2 334

By sadface - 18/08/2011 00:23 - Canada

Today, I finally got over the knee injury that has been holding back my military application for 6 months. They sent me to the optometrist, who said my eyes were too bad for service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 816

You deserved it 3 127

By ydahs - 08/05/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, while in the hot tub with my friends, my gum fell out of my mouth and I had no idea where it went. Later that night I realized it had fallen down my swimsuit and had become adhered to my pubic hairs which then stuck to my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 787

You deserved it 19 632

Performance

By bob - 29/06/2012 08:47 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I learned that I do not possess the upper body, core, or leg strength to hold my girlfriend up during sex. I simultaneously collapsed and dropped her onto her coffee table. We are now both being treated at the hospital; her for glass wounds, me for a concussion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 381

You deserved it 31 631

Bad pig!

By otter - 17/08/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 687

You deserved it 16 668

Hot singles in your area!

By homeboyfat - 22/03/2022 02:00

Today, my grandpa actually believed a "hot 19 year-old" lived "only 10 miles away" and was "desperate to meet him." Our family laptop with the backups of all our childhood photos and videos is now infected with the worst virus I've ever seen, and may require factory resetting or just scrapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 530

You deserved it 160

By sorrynotsorry - 19/08/2014 02:59 - United States - Vancouver

Today, a customer told my boss I was too pushy because I asked her what bra size she wears. I work at a lingerie store. I got a stern lecture from my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 905

You deserved it 3 497

By Heather - 26/06/2012 17:13 - United States - Newport News

Today, I discovered my children had found my vibrator and buried it in the cat's litter box. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 545

You deserved it 12 758

By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 690

You deserved it 41 103

Cute

By eyesightfail - 21/11/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, I saw a squirrel beside a tree. Thinking it was cute, I stepped closer, picked up a pine cone and tried to lure it to come closer. After about two minutes of silently squatting on someone's lawn holding a pine cone, I realized the squirrel was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 502

You deserved it 15 540

By Anonymous - 06/05/2009 20:12 - Canada

Today, after practicing a song for my girlfriend on guitar all day, I called her over to my house to show it to her. After a long speech about how "this is for you," I played for about 3 seconds before I broke a string, which slapped her in her face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 301

You deserved it 6 384

There must be other reasons

By Anonymous - 12/05/2022 00:01

Today, my wife is leaving me because I don’t satisfy her sexually. Chance would be a fine thing, every time I get romantic, all I get is, "I have a headache", "I think my period's coming", “Is sex all you think about?”, “What if the neighbours hear us?”, and my all time favourite, “Ew, not a chance.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 394

You deserved it 321

Cosplay freakout

By Anonymous - 24/04/2022 14:00

Today, our daughter was going to a cosplay event, until her dad saw the costume, or lack thereof, that she was planning to wear in public, with people taking photographs of her. He got so mad, he actually burst a blood vessel in his neck and had to go to hospital. She still went to the event. FML

I agree, your life sucks 954

You deserved it 372

By Mondo - 20/11/2009 00:41 - United States

Today, an old lady on the street told me that I should be wearing a bra because my nipples were visible under my white tee. I am a 37-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 079

You deserved it 5 978

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The Top

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 073

You deserved it 5 022

Today, I went over to my boyfriend's house. After asking him what was wrong due to his weird attitude, he responded with, "This isn't working; I'm in love with my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 782

You deserved it 4 531

Today, after having lost 11 pounds following my pregnancy, I felt sexy and put on a cute outfit for my husband. When he walked into the bedroom, he ended up passing me three times, and then went to bed without a word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 404

You deserved it 2 933

Today, I went on a date with a guy that I have been crushing on for 2 years. At the end of the date he tells me that he is moving away and as his going away present, I could pay for dinner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 104

You deserved it 3 058

Today, I learned that my son’s godmother forgot about the baptism date and booked a family holiday to Italy. Her mother is also on the trip and she is the officiant. I gave them both the date over 6 months ago. Everything is already booked on our side for that date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 284

You deserved it 298

Today, after a year and a half of sticking to my new wife’s “no-sex-before marriage” rule while we dated, she brushed me off while I tried to consummate the marriage. Apparently, she’s not ready to have kids yet and “semen will get the sheets dirty.” Guess I’ll be jerking it on my honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 819