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By fourfootnine - 07/03/2011 13:47 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 752

You deserved it 4 398

OK Shaggy

By familydisaster - 05/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 620

You deserved it 2 524

Scavengers

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I couldn't find my phone. Worried that I'd accidentally thrown it in the trash, I emptied out all the bins and searched the garbage. An hour later, my daughter said she'd found it by the bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 014

You deserved it 26 807

By overly nationalistic redneck - 19/10/2013 19:37 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 356

You deserved it 5 327

By thegirlwiththedumbassbf - 23/03/2016 22:58 - United States - Camarillo

Today, my boyfriend told me that he had sex with my sister, but it's ok because I'm better in bed. He seriously doesn't understand why I dumped his sorry ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 022

You deserved it 2 224

By Anonymous - 09/09/2013 23:58 - United States - Elmhurst

Today, I went to a suicide prevention walk with a girl I like. Before the walk, we bought balloons to set free when they called the names of the deceased. To buy a balloon, you had to write a name on a sheet. Apparently, you weren't supposed to write your own. They called my name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 454

You deserved it 13 842

Sick

By Anonymous - 01/07/2009 03:25 - Australia

Today, I was supposed to work with this girl I really like, but I had the flu really bad. I really really wanted to see her so I forced myself out of bed and went to work feeling terrible but determined to see her face. When I got to work I asked where she was. She had called in sick with the flu. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 167

You deserved it 17 964

By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 481

You deserved it 3 148

By bitter cherry - 29/09/2010 21:29 - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 142

You deserved it 3 756

By thanks gramps - 19/04/2013 07:27 - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 838

You deserved it 9 906

Creepypasta

By QuinnyZebrass - 02/04/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 922

You deserved it 3 432

By wtf - 03/05/2014 16:50 - Germany - Ramstein

Today, I had a nightmare and woke up in a cold sweat. My girlfriend was in bed with me at the time, and swears I yelled out another girl's name. She considers this proof that I'm cheating on her, and now she won't even speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 082

You deserved it 5 308

First time?

By ajdown - 17/06/2011 20:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I have an eight hour transatlantic flight and the person sitting next to me has already filled his third sick bag. This wouldn't be quite so bad were we not still at the terminal with passengers still boarding the plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 950

You deserved it 2 526

Fight Club

By Nose bleed - 16/04/2014 02:48 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, I was eating an apple in class. When I went to take a big bite, my teeth went right through the apple, causing me to scrape the apple right up my face. My nose then started to bleed. I'm now known as the girl who punched herself in the face with an apple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 329

You deserved it 7 832

By Alex Andreas - 02/07/2015 03:10 - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 765

You deserved it 2 465

By idiot - 04/01/2013 10:13 - Sweden

Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 207

You deserved it 12 977

By phillyfan4life - 21/02/2011 19:50 - United States

Today, I saw my dog sleeping, so I laid next to her and put her arm around my neck to be cute. Only for her to wake up and bite my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 817

You deserved it 28 518

The betrayal

By Anonymous - 01/08/2013 16:33 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I found out via Instagram that my boyfriend didn't actually go to the Bahamas with his dad as he claimed. Not unless his dad lost weight, grew tits and long hair, and likes to make out with his son. They have no cellphone service, so I can't even call to break up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 372

You deserved it 3 969

Salivating

By Anonymous - 30/11/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I flew into Denver. Never having been here before, I was excited to see the view from our window. In the middle seat, I leaned over to look - at the same time yawning to relieve pressure in my ears. The yawning caused me to drool on the stranger sitting next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 631

You deserved it 29 554

New day, same shit

By PickYourselfUp - 06/10/2014 03:17 - United States - Chesapeake

Today, was the day I would turn my life around and start losing weight. I went outside for my first run and said, "I got this!" I confidently stepped forward, the first symbolic steps to my new life. In the anticipation, I forgot my porch had steps. I face-planted on my driveway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 924

You deserved it 8 675

By Samipearl - 12/11/2010 14:06 - United States

Today, while at a restaurant with my boyfriend, a piece of ice got stuck in my throat. I couldn't get his attention until after it melted because he was busy checking in on foursquare. When he finally noticed my freaking out and I told him what had happened, he laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 520

You deserved it 6 415

Every home should have one

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 893

You deserved it 4 594

By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 16:26 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were messing around when he accidentally elbowed me in the eye and I couldn't see. He rolled over, turned on the football game, and told me to just walk upstairs and get ice. He also added that he would like a coke while I am up there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 992

You deserved it 5 307

Blind rage

By prickly - 11/10/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 081

You deserved it 2 867

By E or - 13/07/2010 13:41 - United States

Today, I flew a toy airplane into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 898

You deserved it 40 234

By Jimii Liu - 11/03/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, I had a date with a woman. She brought her dog along. Everytime I touched her, her jealous male dog began to bark and tried to bite me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 658

You deserved it 3 375

The only true love

By burned_away - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "See you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 278

You deserved it 4 954

Face your fears!

By birdsterrifyme - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Sikeston

Today, I decided to confront my fear of birds when my friend's pet bird was walking up to me. He got on my arm, climbed up, and attacked my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 523

You deserved it 4 454

By ouch - 20/02/2010 00:37 - United States

Today, the roads were OK, so I cleaned the ice and snow off my car so I could go out. I rolled my window down a little bit while I was driving to clear the snow off the base of the window. A chunk of ice flew off my hood, in through the window, and hit my eye. I then hit a snowbank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 199

You deserved it 5 637

By woman - 17/11/2012 08:45 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I was singing in the shower, when some suds from my shampoo fell into my mouth and down my throat. I retched and sputtered for about two minutes before finally throwing up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 745

You deserved it 7 775

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The Top

Today, while writing a self-evaluation for my internship, I had to type up answers to certain questions and then submit them. After submission, I re-read one of the answers I had written that said, "After 3 months on the jon I finally feel like I have accomplished a lot." I had meant to write job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 285

You deserved it 9 345

Today, my wife uttered the soul-crushing words, "But we're married now, why would we have sex?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 92 894

You deserved it 8 873

Today, at my cousin's birthday party, my grandma took me to one side, slipped me a pad, and started ranting that tampons "steal your virginity" and that I should never use them. Well, okay then. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 386

You deserved it 2 493

Today, I was sitting in a parked car. A woman was having difficulties maneuvering out. She honked the horn repeatedly for me to move, then looked me in the eye and called me a "f**king bitch", before driving off. I was in the passenger seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 021

You deserved it 3 213

Today, my boyfriend and I were laying naked in my bed making out. All of a sudden, we hear "pop goes the weasel" outside my house. My boyfriend stops and excitedly says, "ICE CREAM MAN", flips me over, grabs his clothes, and runs out of my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113 054

You deserved it 18 560

Today, I failed to notice a nice ripe pile of dog poop on my front yard until I got to work. I tried to clean my shoe off with alcohol wipes in the bathroom. Not only did it barely work, the wipes are non-flushable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 413

You deserved it 177