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Why does everyone just assume we're not close friends? She's actually one of my best friends. I hadn't seen her in a while because I was out of the country and I knew she would be ok with me rubbing her belly because with her first pregnancy she always wanted me to touch her belly. It would've been awkward if she hadn't burst out laughing. We ended laughing so hard at my stupidity that we cried.

Uncanny

By ToobyFrank - 06/03/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my mother told me she didn't want my girlfriend spending the night anymore. I asked why, she said she heard us doing the nasty the night before and I denied it, hoping I could call her bluff. She paused for a moment and moaned EXACTLY like my girlfriend does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 184

You deserved it 68 890

By Manly Sneeze - 07/07/2016 11:34

Today, I would like to say I pinched a nerve throwing punches, but no, I did it by sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 109

You deserved it 1 534

By O_o - 09/02/2014 00:42 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 306

You deserved it 6 685

Check this out

By laurenraeee - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw a video of me from over the weekend, naked, pretending to be a duck. What the fuck happened that night? FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 813

You deserved it 58 213

So frustrating!!

By BluBaller - 06/04/2010 07:10 - United States

Today, after about a month with no sex, my girlfriend told me to come up to her room and began kissing me passionately. She got me down to my underwear before informing me that she had Spanish homework left. To make things better, upon finishing up, she went straight to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 760

You deserved it 5 910

That escalated badly

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 09:03

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 413

You deserved it 418

I did your mom

By Anonymous - 31/07/2021 16:01

Today, I foolishly asked my dad why he had a disability rail fitted, not in his bathroom next to the toilet, but above his bed instead. He told me that with his bad joints, he needs something to grab onto on Saturday nights while he’s plowing my mom doggy style. FML

I agree, your life sucks 946

You deserved it 1 596

Naughty boy

By Anonomous - 29/12/2013 00:31 - United States - Plainfield

Today, marks the third week since my sister's guinea pig learned to masturbate. He humps his wheel and makes squeaking noises for five minutes, then rolls over on his side and pants heavily. He does it at least twice a night while I'm trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 097

You deserved it 4 167

By nopissleft - 20/12/2013 21:05 - Sweden - Stockholm

Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 051

You deserved it 2 932

KoBabe

By shit streak - 21/04/2020 20:00

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 390

You deserved it 248

By Anonymous - 24/01/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 540

You deserved it 2 929

It's real, I'm telling you!

By Tenniemo - 20/06/2018 15:00 - United States

Today, while packing up my classroom, I had a sudden stinging pain in my finger. Since I live in Arizona, my first thought was a black widow or scorpion, but the ER doctor didn't believe me and said it's nothing. Tell that to my tingling swollen arm. It’s been 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 840

You deserved it 233

By kattylizbeth - 15/05/2016 02:03 - United States - Southfield

Today, I found out that it's possible to make your sister so mad that she scoops the litter box and hides the contents around your room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 432

You deserved it 1 770

kattylizbeth tells us more.

kattylizbeth 19

Monday 16 May 2016 4:02

Hey, guys, OP here. I'm not even sure if I'm following up correctly, but here goes. My sister is almost 9, and I pissed her off because I didn't want to go to her softball scrimmage (yep, scrimmage not game) because I was going to Six Flags with my school. Apparently, this warranted her putting cat shit on my bookshelf/nightstand. Props to her, it was the worst thing to come home to ever. I didn't prank her back, she's 8. I did take away the pooper scooper though, lol