Random FMLs

Slacker

By Anonymous - 13/05/2024 08:00 - United States - Babylon

Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd rather jerk off to sexy pictures of me than actually have sex, because he gets too tired. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 125

Humor bypass

By #goodbyelife - 09/12/2014 00:38 - United States

Today, my mom texted me and asked what I was up to. In response, I joked, "Dancing on the dining room table, waving dad's Calvin Klein's in the air, and shooting bullets into her bedroom floor." Not only did the cops show up, but now I'm grounded for two weeks for being, "deceptively believable." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 167

You deserved it 6 238

By waterproblem - 27/05/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 535

You deserved it 75 110

Alexa, play "A Man Needs a Maid" by Neil Young

By Anonymous - 28/07/2023 10:00 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend after concluding we're not compatible at all. He said he knew it all along, but he thought I was "good for all the house stuff." FML

I agree, your life sucks 803

You deserved it 167

Realistic

By thesitter - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while babysitting, I gave the boy a pen and paper because he wanted to draw me. When he was done, he let me see, but then said, "Wait! I'm not done." He took it back and basically colored in the arms. I said, "I'm not wearing long-sleeves." He said, "That's hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 606

You deserved it 8 287

Handle with care

By How the hell - 03/01/2024 17:00 - United States

Today, I know my grandma has been getting frail as she rapidly approaches the ripe old age of 80, but I had no idea it was so bad that she could break her arm by sneezing. When I tried to explain this to the ER doctors, they all started snickering. Yeah, I don't believe it either, doc. FML

I agree, your life sucks 485

You deserved it 127

Kinkshaming

By no way! - 29/08/2021 17:01

Today, my funny, handsome, intelligent, caring, all around awesome boyfriend and I broke up. He introduced me to his fetish and wanted me to participate. His fetish? Dressing, talking, and acting like a baby. He wanted us to both wear diapers and pretend to be babies together. Fuck that noise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 307

Casual perv

By Anonymous - 31/03/2009 01:13 - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me, "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 547

You deserved it 6 045

We've all done it

By tamralee - 25/10/2019 04:00

Today, I scrubbed a spot on a glass window in my house for several minutes. After finally giving up, I realized the spot was on the opposite side of the glass. I wasn't even high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 746

Tell us more

By Anonymous - 01/04/2024 08:00

Today, my wife is very insistent that we try to get our boys more involved in her religion, starting with church tomorrow morning. She foolishly trusts our boys to behave. They really don’t want to go and I’m convinced they’re plotting something bad, like real bad, the devious little hooligans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 271

By Tragic - 27/04/2009 21:50 - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 297

You deserved it 6 842

By SoreNips - 12/04/2013 23:57 - United Kingdom - Brentwood

Today, I was lying in bed with my girlfriend, when she reached over and twisted my nipples to the point of tears. I'm still not sure what in the name of Dawkins I did to deserve that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 506

You deserved it 14 000

By OhGodWhy - 29/12/2016 23:30 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, I caught my coworker masturbating in the bathroom. This was during her shift, while I was mopping the bathroom floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 817

You deserved it 889

Lonely boy

By Tom - 27/10/2011 20:00 - United States

Today, I was the 19th wheel at a party. Yes, I counted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 913

You deserved it 4 822

What a cad!

By the2girls - 09/08/2011 16:08 - Canada

Today, I was walking to get ice-cream with my boyfriend. When we were ordering our cone, the girl who was scooping it said to my boyfriend, "Hey I know you! You're the one who slept with my sister-in-law the other night." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 297

You deserved it 5 236

By abbshows - 29/08/2014 18:54 - United States

Today, it was my great aunt's funeral. We all had to wait two hours for the service to begin, because they forgot to dig the grave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 605

You deserved it 2 740

Fiat 500 woes

By Too tall for this shit - 30/11/2024 22:00 - United States - Fresno

Today, I parked, then opened my car door to get out, and somehow managed to practically knock myself out by banging my head on the frame, then on the car door that had slammed back into my forehead as I was still reeling from hitting the roof. A guy walking by asked if I was okay while trying not to laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 127

The heart wants…

By Anonymous - 15/07/2025 15:00 - United States

Today, my smartwatch notified me that my heart rate spiked at the same time as my partner was getting me to listen to her favourite band's favorite song, and she took it as I sign that we must like the same music, and that we are so compatible. What she doesn't know is that I was checking my ex’s social media on the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 818

It's the thought that counts

By Cracky - 27/11/2012 14:32 - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 590

You deserved it 2 020

Alexa, play "Guess I'm Dumb" by Glen Campbell

By nasuma - 11/10/2019 20:00

Today, I took a legitimate IQ test and got a score of 80. My parents both have IQ scores above Einstein’s. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 486

You deserved it 305

By jacobscrackers - 01/08/2010 18:06 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 937

You deserved it 5 888

By ew - 15/09/2015 16:33 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad decided that campground bathrooms are disgusting and that on our upcoming camping trip, we'll have to keep a bucket of cat litter in our tent in case we want to go to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 328

You deserved it 1 580

Alexa, play "That was worst Xmas ever" by Sufjan Stevens

By BadBunny87 - 25/12/2021 08:01

Today, on Christmas Eve, our dog passed away. While trying to summon the courage to explain it to my 8 year-old daughter, who was at a Christmas party at a friend’s house, my mother-in-law loudly tells her, “Guess what, Benny’s died!” as soon as she got home. Worst Christmas ever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 282

You deserved it 154

Backstabbers

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 12:01 - United States

Today, after I applied for an IT position at work, and a coworker I’ve worked with for 3 years, who said she had no intention on applying, wished me luck and told me, "I hope you get it!" it's now a week later and it turns out she applied the next day, got the offer and accepted. I had to find out a week later from a different coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 100

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 11/12/2013 08:25 - United States

Today, is my little sister's 16th birthday. I spent my last $20 on a gift for her, cleaned the house for her party, made an ice cream cake, and got her a rose. What did I get? "I hope you kept the receipt for this. Oh, and stay in your room during my party." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 543

You deserved it 3 851

Cujo, but for cats

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 08:01

Today, my cat was incessantly meowing trying to get me to wake up and feed him. Because it was 6 a.m., and I'd hardly slept at all last night, my brain decided that the best solution to get him to shut up would be to hug him. The result was a normally docile and lazy cat giving me a nasty scratch next to my left eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 599

You deserved it 306

By Anonymous - 04/01/2011 19:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about our new year's resolutions. I started telling him that I wanted to lose some weight. He interrupted me, saying, "Yeah yeah, we all know you're fat, whatever." He then went on a 30 minute speech about how he'd really like to take more pictures of his cat in 2011. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 510

You deserved it 6 295

Miscommunication

By embarrassed - 21/07/2021 01:59 - United States

Today, I saw a really cute guy in the grocery store. We made eye contact a few times and I was trying to work up the nerve to start a conversation. Instead, he screamed, "Yes, I know I’m fat, bitch. You don’t have to stare!” I got so many dirty looks I left immediately. I didn’t think he was fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 136

By Anonymous - 13/01/2017 18:00

Today, I had to suspend a student. Apparently, someone convinced him that he turned invisible. He walked into the girls locker room thinking he could not be seen. I work at a high school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 731

You deserved it 604

By Anonymous - 23/08/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, my son hit my husband's shop-vac while pulling into the garage too fast. He was grounded for 3 days. Later, while trying to demonstrate how to park safely, I hit my husband in his happy sacks with the mirror. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 919

You deserved it 39 623

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Family Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

The Top

Today, I thought I'd spice things up by kissing my husband on the lips and then working my way down. But about halfway, I got some of his chest hairs lodged in my throat and started gagging. To avoid ruining the mood, I kept going, silently gagging, until we finished. I swallowed the hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 057

You deserved it 5 410

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I get along with her mother just fine. Apparently, it’s not natural for a son-in-law and mother-in-law to get along this well, we should hate each other on principle, so liking each other just fine is somehow majorly suspicious and she can’t trust me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 491

You deserved it 124

Today, I found out that when my now ex-fiance said he “needs time to think about it” when he got cold feet at our wedding, he meant he needed time to screw his hot young coworker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 578

You deserved it 156

Today, I'm in a situation where I'm in a relationship, but he doesn't talk to me at all. He love-bombed me at first, and now I'm not sure how to even talk to him. I hardly know anything about him. I wanna break up but we got together like two months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 149

You deserved it 605

Today, my father passed away. I called my boss to let him know about the situation. His only response before hanging up: "Shit, dude. Well, I'll see you in the morning, these reports won't write themselves." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 822

You deserved it 2 003

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 426

You deserved it 162