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By Anonymous - 26/04/2016 08:00 - Spain

Today, my seasonal allergies started. Most annoying thing by far this allergy season? I only get the urge to sneeze when I have food in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 618

You deserved it 1 786

By Renée - 25/08/2018 03:30

Today, I found out that my husband lied a few nights ago and was actually drinking with another woman at her house until after midnight. This woman is his best friend’s ex-fiancée, and she's been hitting on my husband for as long as I can remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 185

You deserved it 238

By Anon - 08/04/2016 22:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 258

You deserved it 1 977

Lost

By bent & broken - 24/08/2018 16:30 - United States - Hot Springs Village

Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 172

You deserved it 319

By nothingtoseeherejuststealingtrees - 05/04/2016 20:31 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my neighbor. When she saw me cutting down trees on my lot, she interrogated me and called the police because she didn't believe I owned the property. She didn't call the cops when she watched someone steal a cord of wood from my property two days ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 869

You deserved it 1 336

Some things never change…

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Fresno

Today, I walked into my house with my friend, only to discover my husband, half-naked, and yelling at the TV screen while watching a soccer game. By half-naked, I mean he was only wearing a shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 048

You deserved it 2 948

By Anonymous - 30/03/2016 17:02 - United States - Brunswick

Today, I went to my new dentist to get my teeth cleaned. He kept getting distracted, causing him to repeatedly stab me in the gums. He then had the nerve to tell me that I need to brush more, due to how I was bleeding just from his "routine examination". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 175

You deserved it 1 736

Goldfinger

By Anonymous - 24/07/2020 02:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s important to wipe after he poops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 877

You deserved it 194

By matish - 20/09/2018 13:30

Today, despite having long hair and wearing makeup and a dress, I was still mistaken for a man several times. I'm a girl and I was born a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 036

You deserved it 199

By Beardedlady - 27/09/2018 23:00 - United States - Madison

Today, my mom told me that I need to shave my beard because it's getting too long. This wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 646

You deserved it 423

Bailed out

By poorchild - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had to bail both my parents out of jail. They'd thought it would be fun to go streaking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 757

You deserved it 3 028

By EvilBubbles - 09/01/2015 03:45 - Trinidad and Tobago - Woodbrook

Spicy

Today, I signed into my online class, got bored, and took off my headphones to argue with my roommates about anal sex. At the end of the argument, I put my headphones back on to hear my professor asking if someone could call me to tell me to turn my damn mic off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 529

You deserved it 41 976

EvilBubbles tells us more.

EvilBubbles 9

Saturday 10 January 2015 2:05

Lol guys! This is my post and the anal sex argument was on and off all day. My laptop did an automatic audio test without my permission haha the whole class laughed about it today, all good.

Social faux pas

By sinceresally - 03/01/2017 22:26

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 353

You deserved it 1 394

By SoSexy - 07/10/2012 10:25 - United States - Stockton

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 728

You deserved it 7 170

SoSexy_fml tells us more.

SoSexy_fml 11

Sunday 7 October 2012 22:09

Hey guys! This is the OP. 1) I honestly don't know, my boyfriend suggested we try filling up a tire with them. 2) Albeit being a bit embarrassed, it was actually quite hilarious for both of us. We're both in our 20s, but we still laugh at bodily functions, immature as that is. That, and I can't exactly see what's happening behind there.

High on life

By badsister - 10/01/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I made a batch of "special" brownies for a party I was going to tonight. I wrapped them up and put them on the counter with a note that said DO NOT EAT. Later on I came home from some errands to find a tray of half eaten brownies and my ten year-old sister passed out on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 225

You deserved it 59 779

By Anonymous - 02/02/2016 10:17 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I was at the gym. I'm 360 lbs and have finally decided it's time to change that. Some girl and her two bitch friends thought it'd be fun to follow me and belittle me at everything I did. When I mentioned it to the staff, they said that they were just "encouraging" me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 191

You deserved it 2 282

By Sanchez - 07/01/2010 17:22 - United States

Spicy

Today, the doctor told me that I have Vasovagal Syncope: I pass out every time I get aroused. Bye bye sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 558

You deserved it 2 816

By ashamed - 20/01/2016 19:00 - Germany

Today, I realized how much of a nutter my mother really is as she decided to write on a high visibility vest a "warning" that all foreigners, especially refugees, want to rape German women. She now wants to wear it each and every day in our hometown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 279

You deserved it 1 704

Pleased to meet you

By Mr_Yato - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, a girl in my class introduced herself to me for the fourth time this semester. Am I really that invisible? FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 929

You deserved it 1 948

By MLGreco - 14/10/2011 16:11 - United States

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 495

You deserved it 5 785

Not so anal retentive then…

By Anonymous - 03/02/2017 22:00 - United Kingdom - Hull

Today, after finally breaking up with my controlling girlfriend, she took a shit in my socks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 366

You deserved it 747

Charming

By iwillcutyou - 06/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, as I was working in retail, this guy shoved me into the shelves for asking if he needed help with anything, screaming at me that I need to leave him alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 709

You deserved it 160

By Why - 18/12/2018 05:00

Today, I finally went to have blood taken for an allergy test I really need. Afterwards, I had an allergic reaction to the bandaid they used on my arm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 414

You deserved it 162

Have a good one!

By suuuuuupucci - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 204

You deserved it 3 528

By Anonymous - 22/09/2011 16:17 - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 383

You deserved it 16 804

By Anonymous - 01/06/2009 10:46 - United States

Today, three women came into my work and one was wearing a shirt with a rainbow that said, "We are everywhere". I had just gotten what it was referring to and when I greeted them I ended up saying "Hi gays!" instead of the standard "Hi guys". FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 006

You deserved it 51 548

A+ for Effort

By Anonymous - 14/02/2017 22:40 - United States - Monroe

Today, being Valentine's Day, I went all out for my wife with flowers, a candlelit dinner, and tickets to a broadway show. The flowers arrived dead, the dinner sucked, and my wife hated the show. Afterwards, I tried to be intimate, but apparently I smelled like a shart trapped in a pant leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 074

You deserved it 750

Captain Jack

By Anonymous - 11/08/2012 22:22 - Canada - Airdrie

Spicy

Today, I had a chat with my husband, and I convinced him to try being more spontaneous to spice up our sex life. This evening, he burst into our bedroom with an eyepatch on, and "seductively" growled, "I'm gonna slay your pussy, wench." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 428

You deserved it 43 643

By Anonymous - 01/12/2015 09:49 - Australia - Corrimal

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 732

You deserved it 6 616

By MileHighGirlGuy - 14/03/2017 14:00

Today, I almost got upgraded to business class because the gentleman at the check-in was so mortified at having called me "sir" instead of "mam." However, before it could go through, his colleague stopped him, telling me that it was "an easy mistake to make." FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 255

You deserved it 653

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The Top

The Top

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 875

You deserved it 57 448

Today, I told my dad that I had a herpes infection. He said, "Good." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 448

You deserved it 38 271

Today, I haven’t spoken to my husband in a week, and when I finally spoke to him he thanked me because he’s gotten so much work done round the house, caught up on all his paperwork for his job, and reconnected with his Xbox friends. I didn’t realise I was such a fucking distraction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 431

You deserved it 1 650

Today, my girlfriend and I were having a casual conversation, when the topic suddenly became my penis. Before I knew what was going on, she said, "It's not the size that matters though. It's how you use it. So I guess you're ok." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 851

You deserved it 5 473

Today, my family, grandma included, took some time to discuss whether or not olive oil is a suitable substitute for lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 650

You deserved it 1 990

Today, out of a desire for revenge, I went over and confronted the girl my boyfriend cheated with. Somehow, we ended up in bed together. Worse, she's amazing. I'm now seriously considering asking if we can be a throuple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 763