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By Anonymous - 13/06/2019 22:00

Today, on the bus, a man in his late 30s sat next to me. After a moment, he turned to me and said with a wink, "You must be ovulating, I can smell your vagina." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 232

You deserved it 367

By leafynitemare - 08/03/2016 19:20 - United States - North Hills

Today, an old man wanted to return a fryer. The box had blood smears all over it, so I told him no. He became irate and demanded a manager. Management said, "Hell no and don't touch that box." When I came back, he was licking a paper towel and attempting to wipe off the blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 463

You deserved it 1 106

leafynitemare tells us more.

leafynitemare 24

Wednesday 9 March 2016 22:44

Your comments are hilarious. I love the murderer theories. First off, for those guessing this is walmart, you're correct! I almost died laughing. Okay, he had handed me a receipt and I noticed a drop of blood in it. I had just had a red pen leak and thought it was from that. Then I looked at the box. And I stood there going "ummmm...whats going on?" And the old man holds up his arm showing a nickel sized cut that is bleeding profusely. I wasn't sure how to handle such a situation. It's not every day someone tries to return something with blood all over it. So I excused myself to seek a manager. The manager didn't believe me at first. But I told him again and he realized I was serious. After he saw the box in question, he said to the man that he would not even allow me to touch the box. The man was very angry, citing that he had the receipt and everything that came with it. No, I never opened the box. I didn't touch it at all. He tried to get other customers on his side but one said "dude that's blood. I don't blame them. People are touchy about blood. You never know." And then he suggested I should be extra careful because I appeared to be pregnant (which I am not, just really bloated). The old man said "yeah alright" and left without further incident. I went to tell the managers about the second part (where I came back and he was wiping off the box) and they smiled in disbelief and the higher manager said "yeah, we're never returning that" which meant more work for me having to put notes on the registers letting the others know we are not going to return it and why.

By anonymous - 09/10/2012 05:53 - United States

Today, my wedding ring went missing. Later, my 3-year-old came to me crying, he'd got it stuck on his penis. When I tried to get it off, he peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 234

You deserved it 4 073

Catchphrase hell

By Anonymous - 06/09/2013 22:56 - United States

Today, a week after my dad discovered Family Guy and started mindlessly repeating catchphrases from it 24/7, I finally lost my temper and told him how incredibly annoying it was. He just paused, turned to look me in the eye, and said, "Shut up, Meg." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 987

You deserved it 20 525

By HowBoutNo - 08/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got a few splinters at work. In the middle of trying to remove them, my coworkers noticed and decided to "help". Ten minutes later, the splinters are gone and so is the random mole on my palm I've had my whole life. My hand hurts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 278

You deserved it 380

Roroma tells us more.

Roroma 6

Tuesday 6 November 2018 19:25

Hey OP here it’s my FML but it won’t let me log into my account so I’m using this old one. My hand was a little infected but it’s all healed now so now worries. The mole’s gone af though...

High times

By Anonymous - 23/01/2016 10:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to give a joint presentation at college. My partner was so high, she couldn't even pronounce her own name properly in her introduction. I'm pretty sure her antics are going to get us both failed hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 046

You deserved it 1 639

Match over

By dontask - 22/12/2018 18:00

Today, I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double-tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 1 880

420 BLAZE IT BRO!!!

By nurse4life - 18/02/2017 20:00 - United States - Moultrie

Today, a patient at the hospital where I work asked me if he and his son could light up a joint. He was on oxygen, and serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 874

You deserved it 504

Bad boy

By Sissy - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year-old son started rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly, "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looked at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 653

You deserved it 3 482

By Stupidhuman - 13/04/2017 13:02 - United States - Sparta

Today, I noticed my cat was about to vomit on the rug and yelled at her to move. She spooked and managed to throw up while running. I still had to clean up the rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 539

You deserved it 2 213

By mrmarshall - 17/05/2019 05:44

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss pulled me into his office and gave me a write-up for quitting, told me that he knows where I live, and that I'd better be at work tomorrow or he's going to come and drag me into work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 456

You deserved it 207

Big boy

By Rjlup - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Denver

Today, I took my pet rabbit to the vet because I had noticed his genitals looked swollen compared to my other rabbit's. It turns out he's just "gifted". The vet laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 183

You deserved it 7 318

Ballin'

By oww - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff

Today, while playing paintball, a shot ricocheted off a wall and slammed into my nuts. I told the other team I was out and tried to run out of the field, but as I was jogging to the door I was hit again in the balls. My friend saw this and dropped his gun, laughing. It hit me too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 071

You deserved it 732

By Anonymous - 17/10/2015 08:17 - Australia

Today, I spent two hours researching ways to fake my death, just so I can escape my crazy, overbearing stalker of a mum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 560

You deserved it 2 863

By immisterbulldops - 08/12/2016 09:38 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was helping my dad sell furniture online after a messy divorce. After organising everything to be picked up, it turned out the buyer was the guy Mum had the affair with. What are the chances? FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 980

You deserved it 707

immisterbulldops tells us more.

immisterbulldops 0

Friday 9 December 2016 2:16

Hi this is my FML. I created an account to comment this... I guess that's the odd thing... the affair was actually online and through text. They never met in person haha!

By Anonymous - 29/05/2017 21:00 - Italy

Today, I went to the hospital to visit my grandfather. That's where I tripped over a loose cord in the hallway, resulting in a fractured elbow. I ended up in the emergency room and didn't even get to see my grandfather. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 206

You deserved it 324