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How very dare you?

By PainStressLife - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Dublin

Today, I went to an over-crowded grocery store. As I reached the front of a long line, I noticed that a cart had been abandoned in everybody's way. Trying to be helpful, I moved it to the side. An enormous woman then shoved me and yelled at me for "pushing her property around." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 734

You deserved it 3 443

By N…… - 27/11/2012 03:13 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after being single for a while now, I unwillingly went on a blind date with a guy my friend convinced me would be perfect for me. He took me to McDonald's. His father was with him the whole entire time. He's 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 303

You deserved it 2 355

Ouch

By Anonymous - 16/02/2010 07:26 - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 179

You deserved it 2 771

By Anonymous - 01/08/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, my Dad sent me an e-mail wishing me a "Happy 21st Birthday, sweetheart!" The message went on and on about how much he loves and misses me and wishes we were closer, and can't believe how fast I'm growing up. I'm 23 and my birthday is in December. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 444

You deserved it 2 854

By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Spicy

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 516

You deserved it 4 679

By inthecold - 19/02/2011 05:41 - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 215

You deserved it 8 089

Jaws 2: A Pig in the City

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 02:03

Today, after a childhood of battling bad teeth and cavities, I'm an overzealous brusher. I found out that I have cavities in all quadrants of my mouth from over-brushing, which will need multiple appointments to fill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 236

Seek help?

By Anonymous - 19/12/2022 18:00 - United States - Forest Grove

Today, everything I eat makes me sick, so I don't know what to eat anymore now. My BMI is low and I'm absolutely starving. I can't even eat rice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 963

You deserved it 130

By ManchotDesAndes - 26/02/2015 07:35 - France - Bezons

Today, my 3-year-old daughter came along, pointing a finger at me. I pretended to eat it by putting it in my mouth. She then said to me with disgust, "Why are you eating my booger?" Ah, that explains the saltiness… FML

I agree, your life sucks 430

You deserved it 174

Drunk twit

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 06:06 - United States

Spicy

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 689

You deserved it 44 313

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 00:31 - United States

Spicy

Today, I decided to check my email on our family computer. Since my dad's account was already logged on, I chose to use his instead of logging on my own. When opening up a new page and seeing his recently viewed sites, I learned that he loves to watch porn. I also learned he has a foot fetish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 576

You deserved it 19 457

Work work work work

By ghk - 26/09/2021 20:00

Today, I had my first day off in six months. My mother immediately came down to my room and demanded that I clean the entire house. As I was cleaning, she said, "You don’t get to relax. Ever. Lazy ass." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 578

You deserved it 121

Ouch

By Annalise - 16/12/2022 09:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I jumped up to touch the ceiling, then I landed on one of my younger sibling's Lego. FML

I agree, your life sucks 560

You deserved it 825

By imamomma - 20/12/2011 18:59 - United States

Today, after explaining to my two year old that we were going bra shopping, he decided to announce to the entire bank that we were going to buy Mommy some boobies. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 239

You deserved it 26 928

Life ain't a movie, son

By Effwmn - 20/12/2022 09:00

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams, the girl I've loved for 3 years. I went to her desk and surprised her with roses, chocolates, and played “All I Want for Christmas is You.” She said no. On top of that, she ate all the chocolates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 406

You deserved it 1 334

By catfan - 30/10/2013 05:48 - United States - Wildomar

Today, I found out my 13-year-old daughter thinks the showerhead got her pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 593

You deserved it 7 797

catfan tells us more.

catfan 4

Wednesday 30 October 2013 21:19

Hi this is OP. First off, my daughter is not pregnant. She has been going to school sex ed classes since she was 11, apparently they don't explain how someone gets pregnant in enough detail. She told me she's a virgin, though she thought she wasn't because she was "having sex" with the showerhead. Apparently one of her friends had told her masturbation counts as sex.

By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 20:08 - United States

Today, my wife threatened to end our relationship if I didn't skip work and stay at home. She's into astrology, and apparently when one of those money-grubbing frauds writes, "Betrayal will come from someone close to you", it's reason enough to suspect that I'll cheat on her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 3 492

By Nick - 11/02/2010 18:35 - United States

Today, I was carrying a hot cup of noodles. I sneezed and accidentally stabbed myself in the forehead with a fork. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 510

You deserved it 5 592

M. Night Shyamalanadingdong

By Anonymous - 30/06/2020 05:02

Today, I went to the bathroom after a terrible job interview. My interviewer walked in with another guy, talking about my interview, saying he was obviously going to hire the other guy because my odd-sounding name was too hard to pronounce, yet alone spell in multiple emails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 584

You deserved it 174

The final countdown

By Hailey - 13/02/2011 01:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I took sexy pictures for my boyfriend while at my aunt's house. I uploaded the pictures and after successfully posting them in a message, I deleted them. I accidentally deleted the whole photo library. Now she's taking the computer to Apple tomorrow to recover the "lost" photos. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 457

You deserved it 58 390

By Tom - 15/01/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I'm flying out of the country in a few hours. A plane from the same airline just crashed into the Hudson River and is now floating in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 164

You deserved it 2 707

Bummer

By Anonymous - 24/12/2022 09:00

Today, I guess I’m really special because my body can do things others can't, like eat loads of good food and still feel weak and malnourished. Or spend 13 hours in bed and come out bleary-eyed with lack of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 790

You deserved it 184

By Anonymous - 16/02/2015 03:25 - Australia

Today, I threw up on a police officer who was trying to do a random breath test. I wasn't drunk or hungover. I'm pregnant and suffering morning sickness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 434

You deserved it 2 564

By Anonymous - 16/12/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I talked to my dad about joining the military. He got up, laughed, and said, "As if the army would accept a pussy like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 408

You deserved it 6 687

By Anonymous - 10/02/2011 23:32 - United States

Today, I was on the bus heading home from school, when I noticed a ridiculously hot girl near me, checking me out. I was about to say something charmingly funny when I suddenly got a whiff of onions. Turns out she had turned around simply to catch the essence of her own fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 160

You deserved it 4 805

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 07:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out through one of my friends that my boyfriend cheated on me. He says it doesn't count as cheating because he couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 731

You deserved it 4 682

By scribbles1475 - 15/12/2011 05:00 - United States

Today, after trying to find the perfect picture for the guy I have a huge crush on, I finally found one and sent it to him. His return picture? Himself in a Batman mask and sombrero. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 847

You deserved it 10 906

By Cougar - 24/07/2009 19:05 - United States

Today, I was at work when my mother called. She gave me great news that she had finally cleaned out my room and all those "old and useless" books that I had in there. Those "useless" books that she had just trashed were all antiques and worth about $500 each. There were 27 books in there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 752

You deserved it 5 221

Boom boom

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - San Francisco

Today, the family upstairs decided to play basketball. Indoors. At 3am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 337

You deserved it 3 188

Both sides now

By microtech - 13/12/2011 17:33 - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 707

You deserved it 3 353

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Today, I showed my wife an article about how frequent orgasms can prevent prostate cancer, as well as increase both partners' overall health. She replied that she wouldn't judge me if I masturbated, as long as I don't use porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 429

You deserved it 9 374

Today, my job application for McDonald's was rejected. This is the second time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 52

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 595

You deserved it 47 272

Today, I have an autoimmune disease which causes my penis to look like a tie-dye t shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 412

You deserved it 2 772

Today, I’m so heartbroken I can’t even finish leftover Chicken Scampi without bursting into tears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 647

You deserved it 211

Today, I had an amazing date with an amazing guy, but he hadn't realized he doesn't have time for a relationship, and I don't have the emotional capacity. It's just the wrong time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 620

You deserved it 199