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Can't win

By Viscerion - 31/01/2023 00:30

Today, I made breakfast for the family. Perfect. Did all the Laundry. Great. Drove the one and a half hour round trip to take my stepdaughter to work. Blah. Finished off by doing some housework and cooking dinner. The dinner wasn't perfect, and my wife told me that for all the good I do, I ruin everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 192

You deserved it 126

By wtf - 15/07/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were chatting on MSN. He had to go run down to the corner market but left his webcam on. Shortly after he left I watched his mother steal 60 dollars out of his wallet. He doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 810

You deserved it 3 431

Turn off

By whatdoesitmatter - 01/10/2013 10:47 - India - Erayu

Spicy

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 213

You deserved it 12 027

Sneaky

By TheHarvardian - 25/10/2012 06:59 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 194

You deserved it 1 909

By Anonymous - 25/01/2011 02:33 - United States

Today, while at the urinal doing my business, my trousers fell all the way to the ground. As I bent down to pull them back up, my boss walked in the bathroom and thought I was mooning him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 984

You deserved it 3 818

Help!

By notwasted39 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was walking to my mailbox when I fell down and couldn't get up. My neighbor walked by with his dog, took one look at me struggling, said, "What is wrong with kids these days, drunk at 9 a.m.?" and continued on. I couldn't get up because I'm still healing from a stress fracture in my hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 456

You deserved it 3 179

By batgirl - 20/11/2008 12:55 - France

Today, I get to see my boyfriend again after a month. So I decided to shave my pubic hair in the shape of a heart. After my little striptease, he gasped in admiration "Aaaw, Batman sign!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 213

You deserved it 16 143

By computergeek - 26/01/2010 21:25 - United States

Today, my parents got me a new computer for my birthday. They also took the liberty of throwing out my old computer, with 8 years of photos, videos, music, documents, emails, and bookmarks on it. But that's okay, I had a backup. They threw that out too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 374

You deserved it 2 448

Zzzzzzzz

By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/01/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 535

You deserved it 2 875

By 420dits - 26/01/2010 01:16 - Canada

Today, my crush went on webcam on MSN. He looked really adorable, so I took about 6 screen shots and copied them into paint. I accidentally took a screenshot of my screen with all the pictures on paint and copied it into the conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 022

You deserved it 44 906

Brain worms

By JaneSimple - 16/08/2020 14:02

Today, my fiancé forgot my birthday. I did however remember to tell him we were sending his mother flowers, for her birthday, which falls a week after mine. We've been together 10 years. I sent her flowers on my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 479

You deserved it 235

Sticky

By Anonymous - 12/11/2021 20:00 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while at work, I was driving a manual car for the third time ever. I managed to stall it and jolt forward, bumping the horn at the same time in front of a group of people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 725

You deserved it 245

By anon - 23/11/2011 22:53

Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 040

You deserved it 3 036

By lonerjik - 19/01/2011 12:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 331

You deserved it 10 849

I'm lovin' it

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 17:09

Today, as usual, I worked at McDonald's. Although I tried to diffuse the situation, an old man was absolutely furious, and punched me in the face over BBQ sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 572

You deserved it 138

Exterminator

By being cheap is expensive! - 25/11/2021 05:01

Today, my wife’s unending cheapness and need for a “deal” has bitten us in the ass. Literally. She accepted a bag of clothes from a coworker and yup, you guessed it, it was infested with fucking bedbugs. Now our whole house has them, and all she said was, “At least the clothes can be washed.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 227

You deserved it 147

Best gift ever

By Vanessa - 04/02/2023 06:00 - United States

Today, my toddler gave me what I thought was a ball of melted chocolate. I held it and sniffed it to be sure… It was a freaking ball of her poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 793

You deserved it 239

By MixMastaKDizzle - 23/09/2013 08:23 - United States - Denver

Today, I got a text from someone I met last night at a bar. We texted all day and planned to meet up later. The whole time I had in my mind who he was, but when we met up it was someone completely different that I didn't remember. I had to sit through the whole date pretending I knew him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 350

You deserved it 37 900

MixMastaKDizzle tells us more.

MixMastaKDizzle 12

Tuesday 24 September 2013 0:28

Uhh no. You don't know the full story so don't jump to conclusions. I live in a tiny mountain town, and the guy I gave my number to I had seen many times before. The guy that I was actually texting, however is someone random that I didn't know and didn't give my number to. I did, however, have fun once I got past the initial shock. It has NOTHING to do with looks. If you make me laugh and are an intelligent gentleman, then I like you.

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, after some filing mistakes, and a lot of waiting on hold, I'm finally registered for Spring classes. I was ready to enjoy this term, until I found out that my ex, who was forced into therapy after he threatened to kill me, is in half of my classes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 661

You deserved it 2 763

By Aphrodite - 23/01/2010 21:13 - France

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend, when the Taco Bell I'd eaten for lunch came back up for round two. Undigested rice and beans got stuck in his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 162

You deserved it 7 753

By kaybax - 19/11/2011 11:42 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend the silent treatment. He put his Facebook status as "When your girlfriend finally shuts up for once". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 092

You deserved it 46 612

Thank you for your service

By Anonymous - 08/11/2021 17:00

Today, I was pretending to be a veteran for the US Navy at a local outlet, because I was desperate for cheap stuff. All was going well, until an actual vet pointed out that the ship I had on my naval hat was a fictitious one. Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 3 504

By Anonymous - 20/09/2013 22:20 - United Kingdom - Newcastle

Today, I was struggling to move a large bookshelf downstairs. Mid-way down, the weight became too much for me and I desperately yelled to my dad for help. He stood at the top of the stairs and said, "Cash or broken bones. How much's it worth, son?" I'm now £50 poorer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 107

You deserved it 4 092

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 17:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I bleached my hair. Not only did it fry, it also has a very noticeable green tint and because of the damage, I can't dye it again for a while. Now I keep getting asked "Why so serious?" by my friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 393

You deserved it 32 765

By lonelyhubby - 08/07/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had been debating leaving me for an old boyfriend from high school. They rekindled their relationship on Facebook, and talking on the cell phone. Both things I insisted she have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 525

You deserved it 12 123

By Anonymous - 07/07/2009 05:46 - United States

Today, I found out that my father, who is divorced from my mother, has set up a lawsuit against her and that I am required to go to court and testify against her as a witness. I've tried to keep neutral for six years, and I'll go to jail if I don't show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 590

You deserved it 3 321

Bye then!

By B.. - 01/09/2020 23:00

Today, my girlfriend, after 9 months of coffee shop dates and sharing bottles of wine, relaxing, expressing our love for each other, decided it was time to end our relationship by telling me that she actually wasn't happy, and had her and all of her friends and family block me on every social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 778

You deserved it 231

Mr Whiskers takes priority

By Anonymous - 07/12/2021 16:58

Today, my daughter forgot my birthday. When I asked her, she said she'd remembered my birthday, but was too busy at work to acknowledge it. However, she did have time to post a message on Facebook, wishing a happy birthday to her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 967

You deserved it 139

By pits - 05/01/2015 04:30

Today, I finally noticed after months of having the same cover photo on several websites, that it looks like I have a bushel of armpit hair due to a shadow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 783

You deserved it 4 946

By OldHabitsDieHard - 18/09/2013 14:53 - United States - Erie

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 734

You deserved it 18 784

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The Top

The Top

Today, my mom booked a family trip to Sweden. This would be great, if she hadn't asked me to tell our former German exchange student that we were coming to visit her in Germany. She was thrilled. Now I have to be the one to let her down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 726

You deserved it 2 722

Today, my dumbass colleague was too lazy to go buy balloons for a party in recognition of our company's huge merger. Instead, he made condom balloons. Let's just say you don't make blow up condoms for a prestigious company event. A company whose CEO is named Dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 909

You deserved it 4 946

Today, I was driving home from a friend's house after a night of partying. Suddenly, I had to poop worse than I ever had to in my entire life. The pain was so bad I had to pull over and pretend to be checking my tires while I let out the entire contents of my bowels onto the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 397

You deserved it 8 743

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 532

You deserved it 4 665

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 663

You deserved it 7 247

Today, per my boyfriend's request, I bought some lingerie. He got so excited when he saw me, he ripped it off me right away. After we were done he used it to clean up. I essentially bought a $40 cum rag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 101

You deserved it 913