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By notsober - 20/03/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 069

You deserved it 6 951

Broke boy

By Noname - 02/03/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went to Tiffany's to exchange a bracelet my boyfriend had given me for our year anniversary. It was the first gift that he actually spent money on me for. The sales lady then told me that the bracelet was not a real Tiffany's item. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 843

You deserved it 21 276

Night fight

By FistFighter - 09/04/2011 04:01 - United States

Today, after getting up to press snooze on my alarm clock, I climbed back into bed. When I went to reach for the covers quickly because I was cold, I missed, yet still managed to pull back my fist with force punching myself in the face. I now have a bloody fat lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 951

You deserved it 12 988

By ghost? - 16/12/2012 08:31 - Australia - Perth

Today, my boyfriend told me he couldn't spend the day with me as he had his grandmother's funeral. Lonely, I went shopping and I bumped into his mum having lunch with his 'dead' grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 599

You deserved it 2 948

Snooping

By ks0300 - 24/02/2010 05:47 - United States

Today, while visiting my in-laws, I went into their home office in search of a sheet of scrap paper. Instead, I found printed copies of every email and IM my husband and I had ever sent each other, including pictures. Highlighted and annotated by his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 332

You deserved it 2 198

By I don't know, son - 16/11/2013 01:53 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 874

You deserved it 4 787

It's just a prank, bro!

By HOPE YOU GET PEGGED - 21/10/2012 23:00 - Canada - Hinton

Today, my mom hosted a high-school reunion. I had to prepare dessert, while my brother cooked dinner. Being the absolute dickhead that he is, he switched the sugar with salt. All the desserts I made tasted like shit, everyone left, and I got grounded for my supposed prank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 607

You deserved it 2 423

Dumbass

By litup - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to light a firework in the back seat of my car while we were driving down the interstate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 036

You deserved it 6 663

By Saucy - 26/06/2009 22:03 - United States

Today, I got marinara sauce on my new white shirt. I went in my desk for my Tide-To-Go pen and started using it on the spot. Turns out orange highlighters look a lot like Tide-To-Go pens when you don't look closely enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 594

You deserved it 50 613

By oops - 18/05/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, while I was waitressing, I bent down to pick up a menu and accidentally farted, really loud, at my table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 522

You deserved it 10 832

By anonymous - 17/07/2012 04:54 - Canada - Boucherville

Today, while I was volunteering at the homeless shelter, one of them "accidentally" kissed me. It felt like my face was being sucked by a vacuum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 820

You deserved it 2 184

By ToddlersWife - 15/06/2014 11:10 - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I got into an argument over him not brushing his teeth. It ended with him snapping his toothbrush in half. He's 52. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 316

You deserved it 6 104

By Anonymous - 02/04/2013 07:24 - United States - Duncannon

Today, the McDonald's in my town ran out of fries. I was the one who had to tell all the angry customers we had no more fries in the store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 416

You deserved it 3 997

Soundtrack

By Mortifiedcharityworker - 01/05/2014 20:10 - Austria

Today, I didn't pay enough attention while sending a music file to be used in a powerful video my class-mates and I made about the Syrian civil war. Instead of a moving classical track, viewers were shown graphic scenes of devastation to the tune of Gangnam Style. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 369

You deserved it 38 737

By anonymous - 11/08/2010 19:19 - Canada

Today, after saving up my money for weeks, I went to see my favorite artist in concert with my friends. Two songs in, I passed out, hit my head, and had to have someone drive me home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 966

You deserved it 7 266

By sh3lbst3r - 14/03/2014 22:59 - Australia - Epping

Today, I had to explain to my neighbours that I wasn't "watching porn" earlier, and that I was honestly just watching an episode of Game of Thrones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 738

You deserved it 5 450

sh3lbst3r tells us more.

sh3lbst3r 8

Saturday 15 March 2014 17:11

The only reason they could hear it was because my apartment has pretty thin walls and I was doing dishes, watching it on my laptop beside me. The volume was cranked so I could hear it and of course that suuuuper long scene with Little Finger and the two girls came on -_- They were good about the whole thing and laughed it off and I promised to turn it down.

By Kyle - 10/05/2011 10:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I searched frantically for my glasses for ages. After giving up, I realised I could see perfectly. I had been wearing them the whole time and neither my mother nor my father told me because "it was far too funny" watching me yell "Where the fuck are they?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 001

You deserved it 47 008

By IHeartBlueJay - 08/02/2013 05:31 - United States

Today, I had my gallbladder removed. I have a very painful incision in my belly that makes any kind of movement excruciating. I've had the hiccups 5 times so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 543

You deserved it 2 401

IHeartBlueJay tells us more.

IHeartBlueJay 14

Friday 8 February 2013 17:07

Yeah they did it laparoscopically. And any kind of major surgery is going to be painful, but having it done laparoscopically is much, much better than an open incision! Try not to worry, it's a very safe surgery and they'll take good care of you :)

By vey - 08/02/2014 22:14 - China - Beijing

Today, and for the third time this week, I found a pubic hair in my soup. I'm currently bed-ridden and can't afford to piss off my boyfriend by complaining. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 804

You deserved it 5 256

By Anonymous - 29/01/2013 17:41 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 450

You deserved it 10 089

It wasn't me!

By Anonymous - 15/03/2015 18:40 - United States - Charleston

Today, a guy beat the crap out of me for supposedly sleeping with his girlfriend. I didn't get a chance to tell him my brother lives with me and that he had the wrong guy. When my brother got home, he didn't ask if I was okay, but rather if the guy was coming back for him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 904

You deserved it 2 732

Gutted

By babysitter93 - 22/07/2009 12:17 - United States

Today, I was fired from the babysitting job I've had for 2 years. I thought maybe the mother had found out that I sometimes let her kids stay up late and have extra sweets. The real reason, as she told me, was that she didn't want her kids loving anyone more than they love her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 026

You deserved it 3 579

By thanksad - 23/08/2013 01:38 - United States - Cerritos

Today, my 50-year-old dad was in a foul mood after taking an online test that put him in Slytherin house instead of Ravenclaw where he "belongs" because he's "so smart". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 436

You deserved it 3 702

By Foreverathome - 28/09/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 951

You deserved it 2 582

By Crash - 10/09/2014 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30-foot wide entrance, but not the two-foot wide tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 873

You deserved it 4 056

By concertqueen - 27/08/2011 22:40 - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 567

You deserved it 2 768

Wrong end of the stick

By Matt - 03/06/2012 14:21 - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 912

You deserved it 3 864

Help!

By LtlCheeseburger - 31/05/2012 18:15 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 525

You deserved it 29 494

Customers from Hell

By notoneatall - 07/07/2014 03:39 - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 694

You deserved it 3 962

Assumptions

By oops - 08/05/2013 14:44 - Canada - Okotoks

Spicy

Today, while packing for a trip, my mom bumped my bag and it started to vibrate. She flew into a huge rage calling me all sorts of colourful names, thinking it was a sex toy. It was my tooth brush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 625

You deserved it 5 701

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The Top

The Top

Today, my girlfriend came to my workplace to tell me she was breaking up with me. My boss, who was passing by, fired me for "chatting with friends" during work hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 423

You deserved it 829

Today, my boss told me that there is no point in making me cut onions anymore because every time I do, I look like I've "been beaten", and can't be seen by the customers for at least half an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 754

You deserved it 3 633

Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 925

You deserved it 44 895

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 596

You deserved it 1 917

Today, I tried to replace my garbage can's trash bag. Every time I tried to pick it up, it would rip. Now my only option is to physically take everything out of it and pray to the Gods of Garbage that I get a trash can that doesn't have the durability of 1-ply toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 615

You deserved it 238

Today, it's been a few months since my wife and I have been intimate due to her health, so I have urges but out of respect I don't act on. However, while I was showering, I was scrubbing my dick and I immediately busted all over the shower curtain. I had a walk of shame to inform my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 289

You deserved it 201