The Top

The truth is actually much dumber than some of you are giving me credit for, and definitely warrants a YDI. I'd bought a few small glass things for my friends from Venice. They were all packaged so they made it off the plane fine. When I got home I put them down and started nailing up posters that I'd got in the museums on my visit. I put the hammer down on a pile of boxes while I went to get more nails, which was dumb, and it fell off onto the ornaments. The novelty postcards were all I had left.

Pleased to meet you

By Holls - 12/04/2012 13:47 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I met a guy while out with some friends. He kept blowing up his cheeks, so I did it back to him and asked him why he did it. He pulled out a card from his wallet and pointed at it. It was a card saying he may have speech or facial difficulties because he had a stroke when he was 12. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 915

You deserved it 14 203

Do your own research

By ScienceFail - 25/07/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, I tried to open the research paper I've been working on for the past month, only to discover that the entire file is permanently lost and can't be recovered. This is not the first time this has happened to this paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 080

You deserved it 15 961

Background noise

By DumbCuntApparently - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Netherlands - Hilversum

Today, a classmate posted a recording of a recent lecture on my university's Facebook page, so we could listen again and take notes at home. A few minutes in, I heard myself asking a question. I then heard snorting and some girl muttering "dumb cunt" under her breath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 462

You deserved it 4 544

Not lovin' it

By jared576 - 05/06/2015 03:01

Today, I got kicked out of McDonalds for "skating" on the floor. The skating was actually me slipping on the wet floor and smacking my head into a table then getting bitched at for leaving blood on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 825

You deserved it 2 772

Mind games

By LittleRed - 05/03/2012 08:45 - United States

Today, I got more turned on by the idea of sex with my boyfriend than actually doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 124

You deserved it 4 283

By Soaked - 20/05/2010 15:20 - United States

Today, my family, including my 2 year old niece, went to the zoo. We were at the lion exhibit. I was holding my niece so she could get a better view of the lions. As I was holding her, the lions started to roar. She got so scared that she peed. Her diaper wasn't very absorbent, but my shirt was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 417

You deserved it 4 705

Performance anxiety

By 2yearsofHotSexThenThis - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - New Zealand

Today, after not having sex for nearly a year and a half, an opportunity arose. I couldn't get it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 323

You deserved it 11 246

By toritoratora - 26/11/2012 05:27 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, I heard a teenage boy ask his friend, "So, is it, like, November in Australia too?" This is the future of America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 717

You deserved it 2 852

You what?

By unknown - 02/11/2013 21:10 - Canada - Courtenay

Today, I sat down with my daughter to have the sex talk, because she recently started seeing a guy. I mentioned at one point how disappointed I would be if she got pregnant. She went wide-eyed and asked, "Didn't mom tell you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 602

You deserved it 6 920

By iamsolid - 20/10/2012 15:10 - United States

Today, my sister-in-law was diagnosed with breast cancer. My mother then confided in me that she suspected it was a prank to get more money from our family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 967

You deserved it 1 757

Help yourself

By joybirdnot_13 - 08/07/2009 12:08 - United States

Today, I was working at the mall as the girl that stands around giving out samples of the foods. This guy came up to me and we were flirting for at least 30 minutes. With the tray in one hand, I gave him my cell to put his number in it. He ran away with my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 307

You deserved it 47 162

TMI!

By Anonymous - 23/09/2012 04:32 - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 146

You deserved it 2 170

By ItaliczZz - 12/10/2011 08:13 - Australia

Today, I left my window open while practicing the saxophone. My drunk neighbours showed their appreciation for the music with a well-aimed firecracker that set my mattress on fire. My landlord has threatened to evict me as she thinks I set it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 593

You deserved it 5 719

By betterthanhodor - 08/11/2014 14:09 - United Kingdom - Woodbridge

Today, I was getting everything ready for mine and my husband's first wedding anniversary. Flowers, check. Crisp new bed sheets, check. Silk underwear, check. Crippling cramps and an early period, check. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 046

You deserved it 4 288

By Anonymous - 11/11/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, on the subway, a little tipsy, I sat down next to a guy I thought was cute, hoping to enjoy some harmless flirting. I said, "Hello." He said, "May I ask you a question?" I said, "Sure." He said, "Can you please move away from me?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 924

You deserved it 33 747

By charlie - 10/05/2009 01:48 - United States

Today, my mom asked if I wanted to come to dinner with my parents and my grandparents who are in from London. When we got to the restaurant, there was a wait. My mom made me walk home because they could get a table quicker for a group of four than a group of five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 68 921

You deserved it 3 013

By Anonymous - 21/10/2010 22:04 - United States

Today, I took my iPod to Walmart to replace the battery. They tell me to call Apple. I go home again and call Apple. They tell me to call Walmart. I call Walmart. They tell me to bring it in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 825

You deserved it 3 977

By Anonymous - 16/05/2012 20:34 - Netherlands - Kerkrade

Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 747

You deserved it 32 314

By Chubs - 29/03/2009 12:32 - Norway

Today, I was playing with my kid cousin outside. It was warm, so I was wearing my new bikini, and felt pretty good about myself. She suddenly turns to me and asks, "How come your tits are so small when you have such a big belly?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 363

You deserved it 11 658

Compassion

By zawbentley - 26/09/2009 07:01 - United States

Today, I called my boss to let her know that I was suffering from severe depression and that my doctor suggested I take a month's leave. Her response? "Glad you are getting help, however we can't hold your job. No need to come to the office, we'll mail your stuff to you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 007

You deserved it 6 532

By fmlsomuch - 25/02/2012 20:51 - Japan

Today, I told my mom about an article I'd seen that said people tend to make the most mistakes at 2 to 3 in the morning. Without a trace of humor in her voice, she said, "Tell me about it. You were conceived round about then." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 218

You deserved it 3 399

By bestnameright - 10/12/2012 03:53 - United States - Washington

Today, I sent in an assignment from my batshit insane teacher. The assignment was to read a poem, analyze it, and make a comic of its plot. This would've been fine if the teacher who assigned it to me didn't teach math. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 592

You deserved it 2 065

bestnameright tells us more.

bestnameright 14

Monday 10 December 2012 21:43

Actually when I told my humanities teacher about the project I learned that my math teacher has a degree in literature or something. 0_0

By Anonymous - 03/01/2012 05:32 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 424

You deserved it 2 635

How much?

By Anonymous - 21/07/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to catch a plane. It was very crowded at the gate and there was nowhere to sit except for a flat metal bench, so I sat on that. Turns out I was sitting on a luggage scale, so my weight was displayed for everybody to see. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 300

You deserved it 47 070

FML on Facebook

Keywords

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The Top

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of three years, who can't get it up for me and has been blaming blood pressure issues, apparently has no problem getting it up while watching the neighbor undress from our window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 145

You deserved it 5 299

Today, my friend set me up on a blind date, to get my mind off having been recently broken up with. The guy was perfect: tall, muscular, handsome. But while we were watching a movie, I saw him dig around in his nose, then wipe his finger on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 764

You deserved it 4 509

Today, this guy I like let me wear his favorite baseball hat that he never takes off. I returned it to him later, only to find out I have lice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 130

You deserved it 16 907

Today, I backed a van into another car at work, damaging the tailgate in the process. I work at a panel beater. The van I was driving had just had a brand new tailgate put on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 1 944

Today, my psycho boss snatched a file from my hand so aggressively that I got a papercut. She then scolded me for bleeding on the papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 073

You deserved it 111

Today, I returned to work after two weeks of vacation without a working phone. While I was gone, a beloved former colleague died, two Court hearings got postponed because nobody could find the proof the documents were sent to the other party, and half the office went on vacation. Oh yeah, and my grandma died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 823

You deserved it 160