The Top

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2011 07:35 - Canada

Today, while sleeping, my foot was stabbed by something in my bed and I woke up to it bleeding. I looked around for the cause and found nothing. Now I'm afraid to go to sleep because it might happen again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 959

You deserved it 2 783

By je_regrette_tout - 09/03/2013 18:50 - France - Livry-gargan

Today, a technician from my ISP came to my house to replace my router. He asked for a glass of water, one thing led to another, and for some reason I'll never fully understand, we ended up having sex. Looks like porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 223

You deserved it 66 303

By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/03/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 366

You deserved it 6 848

By MLS - 14/02/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 381

You deserved it 5 368

By Anonymous - 18/10/2010 04:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 251

You deserved it 39 365

By FML - 29/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Today, I found out that when you kick another man in the snowglobes and he smiles at you, there's something creepily wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 347

You deserved it 7 550

By frankkathy - 26/07/2011 17:07 - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 435

You deserved it 19 395

By Mark - 13/08/2009 22:30 - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to approach a girl. I've never done anything like this before. She stared me down, not saying a word, until I felt so little that I just walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 771

You deserved it 8 796

By ashleyevans - 04/04/2009 14:45 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to a really expensive restaurant. We got really bad service, so halfway through the meal we decided to dine-and-dash. Turns out I left my purse in the restaurant. With my I.D. and everything inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 006

You deserved it 192 102

By nick_of_time - 23/05/2010 14:23 - United States

Today, the supervisory staff at work was changed in my area. The good news? My boyfriend is now my manager. The bad news? My ex, the guy I cheated on my boyfriend with, is our supervisor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 618

You deserved it 75 056

nick_of_time tells us more.

nick_of_time 0

Tuesday 25 May 2010 3:53

Lol, people are soo funny. I agree with half of the post on here. Karma is indeed a bitch but as for me saying FML because now they might find out and I'll get punished well, they both already know so not so much. BTW, no hearts were broken so wrong again.

By emperor - 21/07/2009 05:38 - Bangladesh

Today, I woke up screaming. Why? Well, I was complaining to my dad yesterday about how I always hit the snooze button and just roll over when my alarm goes off, and how that results in me being late for morning classes. My dad thought he'd help out by placing a mousetrap on the snooze button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 520

You deserved it 30 684

By Rick - 14/03/2010 13:36 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 866

You deserved it 32 957

By dadadoo - 06/02/2012 04:09 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 889

You deserved it 3 340

By Mikey - 26/04/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 518

You deserved it 8 727

Headshot

By owowowow - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I found out how much it hurts to be shot with a paintball in your open mouth. My mouth was only open to say I was hit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 733

You deserved it 7 743

Outrageous

By Anonymous - 14/05/2011 11:40 - Canada

Today, I found out that my grandma has been sending me birthday money every year. My mom just steals it before I ever see it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 493

You deserved it 3 276

Snafu

By Anonymous - 19/01/2015 23:58

Today, while on my driving test, the guy told me to pull over and do a U-turn. A few minutes later, he asked me to do another one. After the test, he said I'd failed because the second U-turn was illegal, and I should have refused to comply. I didn't know they're even allowed do that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 719

You deserved it 5 585

By Anon - 23/11/2011 01:53 - United States

Today, after changing his mind 3 times, my long distance fiancé told me he wasn't coming to see me for Thanksgiving. Out of anger, I threw his clothes, car magazines, and whatever else I could find in a huge, messy pile. During this, he walked into the room. He was going to surprise me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 732

You deserved it 48 295

By "people these days" - 19/07/2013 20:36 - United States - Fairfax

Today, a kid was ranting that "people these days are so rude" and that "things were much better in the '50s." Annoyed, I asked the delusional twat what was so great about the racial segregation, rampant sexism, homophobia, and all the rest back then. He responded by punching me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 986

You deserved it 15 909

Charming

By FootyFoot - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I texted my mom if she could pick me up from the hospital. She replied, "No fatty, walk home." I have a broken foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 872

You deserved it 3 280

By mattttbob - 04/02/2012 10:16 - Australia

Today, I realised my girlfriend only has sex with me to make me exercise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 536

You deserved it 36 079

By Anonymous - 24/05/2009 23:39 - United States

Today, I confronted my fiancé and told him I knew his 'little secret'. I had suspected that he had been ruining his wedding diet by eating pizza at the office. He replied that the affair with his secretary had only been going on for a couple of months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 237

You deserved it 8 016

By trice - 08/05/2013 17:48 - United States - Austin

Today, it's my birthday. Three people wished me happy birthday: Google, my insurance company, and the place I lease my car from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 396

You deserved it 4 307

Red faces all round

By ladyhavery - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 892

You deserved it 50 270

By Embarrassed - 04/02/2011 00:28

Today, my boyfriend finally got me to orgasm, for the first time in my life, after trying for months. He started laughing when I climaxed. I asked why. Apparently I look like an Down's Syndrome child when I climax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 465

You deserved it 6 732

By anonymous - 21/04/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, I told my morbidly obese teacher that he had mustard on his chin. He tried to wipe it off and I said without thinking "No, your other chin." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 363

You deserved it 101 191

By Anonymous - 25/04/2014 21:21 - United States - Marlboro

Today, my teenage daughter tried to convince me that the UK is a part of Canada. After I pulled out a map to prove her wrong, she got all angry and defensive, and said that nobody's perfect at "geometry". My daughter is an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 223

You deserved it 11 284

DIY

By liver - 19/03/2012 00:51 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, since I'm too broke to get a new one, I had to duct tape my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 907

You deserved it 3 604

By Anonymous - 02/03/2010 21:16 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 298

You deserved it 2 684

By robincakes94 - 29/11/2011 12:42 - United States

Today, I went to a nursing home to sing Christmas carols to the elderly. They threw their bananas at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 757

You deserved it 6 651

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The Top

Today, my husband and I were arguing, but I dropped it so we could calm down before discussing the matter again. Later on, he made us lasagna. The moment I swallowed the first mouthful, he smirked, then started snickering uncontrollably. What the fuck did he do to my food? FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 668

You deserved it 5 690

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 616

You deserved it 3 105

Today, I discovered that the stream of water that periodically falls onto the ground outside my apartment window isn't actually water. The guy above me regularly pees out of his window onto his balcony. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 731

You deserved it 1 951

Today, I noticed we had gotten new colored toothpicks at the restaurant I work at. That was the highlight of my day. Apparently my life has gotten so boring I get excited over colored toothpicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 563

You deserved it 4 621

Today, I discovered my boyfriend's family approves of me, not because I'm friendly and intelligent, but because I'm an adequate addition to their gene pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 550

You deserved it 4 398

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 807

You deserved it 2 833