Intimacy: Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's... - FML

By mrricecakes - 23/03/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 446

You deserved it 5 240

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Same thing different taste

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 709

You deserved it 9 541

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 08:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 262

You deserved it 34 533

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 441

You deserved it 11 708

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 679

You deserved it 14 036

By :x - 03/02/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 958

You deserved it 5 377

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 383

You deserved it 297

Mr Clean

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 10:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 305

You deserved it 7 605

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Spicy

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 598

You deserved it 12 454

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 196

You deserved it 5 590

By threw my underwear out too - 03/12/2017 00:00 - United States - Hyde Park

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 919

You deserved it 1 920

Next

Top comments

krsimir 0

Friday 23 March 2012 12:10

Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind

frozenfreeze 5

Friday 23 March 2012 12:26

They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?

Comments

BobbieH 19

Friday 23 March 2012 15:20

Intimate activities can have intimate issues. It's horrible that the first time turned out this way, but it can happen. If its like that again, problem, if not it could have just been unfortunate.

gorjess1279 2

Friday 23 March 2012 15:22

Yuck

xxaerofox 4

Friday 23 March 2012 15:34

What do you mean "least of your problems"? Are you saying you went in there without protection!?!?

NotInTheMoodShoo 0

Friday 23 March 2012 15:35

Obviously it was her first time too... The TP thing happens, but you shouldn't let someone go there unless you're sure it's clean!

freezingjimmy 1

Friday 23 March 2012 15:37

Dude that is so gross. Did You ask her to clean herself?

alexchenkov 4

Friday 23 March 2012 15:39

That is bloody nasty. Seriously, your girlfriend should have at least basic hygiene practices before getting together with someone. This is quite scary actually. And not to mention extremely gross.

ScubaSteve802 3

Friday 23 March 2012 15:42

Pubes are bad enough in my opinion, sorry to hear that happened to you.

SquashedSpider7 0

Friday 23 March 2012 15:44

this is the only post that has actually made me throw up in my mouth.

bad_medicine 2

Friday 23 March 2012 16:03

Dump her! Get someone w good hygiene! That is so sick!!!

MsConfusedd 27

Friday 23 March 2012 16:03

First time? Last time.

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Today, I was cuddling my new boyfriend, when he went in to kiss me for the first time. Sadly, I reflexively kneed him in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 487

You deserved it 14 990

Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I'm German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, my teacher laughed at the "irony." Something like this always happens whenever I tell people my background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 003

You deserved it 5 548

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 992

You deserved it 2 186

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 204

You deserved it 9 592

Today, I went for a massage because my shoulder's been hurting for months but I can't take decent painkillers because they'd react with my anti-depressants. It STILL hurts, but worse, across my upper spine, and I can't tilt my head back. I paid to look like The Hunchback of Notre Dame doing a swan impression. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 142

Today, I asked my 13-year-old son if he thought he was mature enough for a talk about "the birds and the bees." His response was, "They fly, so what? Why would I care?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 927