Alcohol

I take the fifth

By Anonymous - 19/08/2022 06:00

Today, my roommate, who is an alcoholic in denial, comes up to me and tells me she knows I told on her, and is angry at me. The facility we live at is for people in recovery. Her boyfriend is coming over to “confront me.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 134

Alexa, play "Another Day" by Paul McCartney

By Anonymous - 30/12/2021 11:01

Today, it's just another day where my dad sits in the same spot in the kitchen for 12-16 hours, only to very slowly sip on alcohol and nibble on food. If it’s his day off, that’s his excuse. If he got off work, then it’s also his excuse. Twenty odd years of this. How can someone spend their entire life sitting in one spot? FML

I agree, your life sucks 918

You deserved it 189

Couple of issues

By Anonymous - 03/10/2023 20:00

Today, my boyfriend confessed the reason we haven’t been intimate in months is because he can’t get it up unless he is drunk. I’ve been refusing to get intimate when he’s drunk because it’s not enjoyable and mostly painful, but I still have needs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 714

You deserved it 187

The hair of the dog

By Anonymous - 20/06/2024 16:00 - Australia

Today, my friends threw me a surprise birthday party. I was genuinely surprised—and also genuinely hungover from celebrating my birthday alone the night before because they'd all told me they were busy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 527

You deserved it 133

Assman

By Panda_bruh96 - 12/11/2021 05:00

Today, I love my boyfriend just as I always have, but I'm realizing I don't know if we'll last because he's an angry drunk. He drinks frequently, and I've talked to him about it, only to be met with, "I'm a grown ass man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 074

You deserved it 237

By Eric - 13/05/2011 02:19

Today, I saw my dad chugging a beer in the garage. Why is that so bad? He was hosting an AA meeting in the basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 665

You deserved it 2 911

By Matt - 13/07/2012 19:06 - United States

Today, I woke up in a daze after a long night drinking. I felt a subtle nudge on my shoulder. I was at my ex-girlfriend's house, passed out on top of her, with no pants on. Her dad was, in so many words, informing me that I had to leave immediately. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 353

You deserved it 57 858

Read the room

By haqL - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Mexico - Queretaro

Today, my girlfriend brought a 12-pack of beer to my mother's wake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 134

You deserved it 5 045

Straight to jail

By breathalizard - 02/05/2009 06:21 - United States

Today, I left a party after drinking, and was soon pulled over. I frantically grabbed my mouthwash I keep for emergency situations to cover up the alcohol smell on my breath. I was given the breathalyzer almost immediately. I blew a 2.37. Apparently, alcohol is the main ingredient of Listerine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 391

You deserved it 300 450

Future Darwin Award

By don'tdrinkthat - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Quincy

Today, I came home to find my 14-year-old son attempting to get drunk off aftershave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 638

You deserved it 4 924

No beer for you

By PerfectVision - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Long Beach

Today, I had to decline the sale of alcohol to a man who reeked of booze and was practically falling asleep at my till. He tried to convince me that he wasn't drunk, he was just blind. Still refusing to sell him the beer, he started yelling at me, accusing me of "being racist against the 'blinds'". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 435

You deserved it 3 300

Wild

By Anonymous - 25/01/2022 08:01

Today, I intended to get home early. Instead, I got too drunk, threw up, fell asleep on the train, and had to pay a $120 for a taxi fare. Happy 30th birthday to me, I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 286

You deserved it 1 497

Tipsy

By Anon - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 571

You deserved it 4 287

Drink up

By ugh!! - 27/02/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I drank for every year I've been in school. While in my bed I felt I was too drunk to get up and throw up in the bathroom so I decided to just do it on my floor and clean it up later. Later on I woke up and realized I threw up on my $1000 laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 946

You deserved it 228 591

The truth

By theynamedmeluke - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 903

You deserved it 2 960

Boozehound

By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 905

You deserved it 3 004

Bad Moon Rising

By SleeplessinNJ - 10/12/2020 11:01 - United States - Raritan

Today, one of my fiancé's groomsmen is an alcoholic, and my fiance is in denial about it. He's a nice guy when sober, but belligerent, disrespectful and out of control when drinking. My fiancé refuses to acknowledge my anxiety at having him in our wedding with an open bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 964

You deserved it 110

Milestone

By Falling off the wagon - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending one year sober. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 895

You deserved it 3 650

Helpful

By knuckleheadknock - 10/11/2016 02:11

Today, my rather large boss told me how the company needs to save money, how we are going downhill fast, even suggesting that we might go bankrupt very soon. He then went on to ask me to go get him some very expensive scotch using the company credit card to, "help him cope with the stress." FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 432

You deserved it 707

That's not how that works

By Bruce - 09/02/2023 14:00

Today, my alcoholic father volunteered that he was cutting back on his drinking… by switching from gin martinis to vodka martinis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 102

On the sauce

By drinkdrankdrunk - 27/09/2013 07:33 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 290

You deserved it 17 938

It's only a bit of liquid fun, come on!

By Anonymous - 14/09/2019 20:00

Today, I asked the guy I'm dating if he could not drink on our next date, because he ends up drunk-driving every time. His response was, "This isn't working out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 803

You deserved it 332

Suspicious minds

By Anonymous - 31/03/2025 00:00 - Canada - Midland

Today, I poured out a glass of apple juice to drink. I threw out a beer can from earlier, and my mom thought I was drinking alcohol, not juice. She scolded me, until I made her physically taste the juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 378

You deserved it 98

By Anonymous - 15/08/2011 02:39 - Reserved

Today, I was knocked into a wall by a high-pressure water cannon suddenly kicking in. I was only going to the corner store to buy some chocolate. Probably serves me right for not noticing a small riot due to a thumping hangover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 066

You deserved it 7 035

Thanks for sharing your inspiring story, Dad

By Anonymous - 17/02/2024 00:00

Today, my dad told me quite bluntly that, while he loved me, he never planned to have me. My mom baby-trapped him by sabotaging their birth control methods, and my existence ruined his life irrevocably and caused the functional alcoholism he has suffered with for 40 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 737

You deserved it 123

Overdoing it?

By Toe man - 14/02/2022 02:00 - South Africa - Kimberley

Today, on the third day after I developed what I thought was gout for the first time in my 62 years, it turns out it was just a spider bite on my toe. My wife still thinks I had been drinking on the sly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 765

You deserved it 112

Gross, dudes!

By notsick - 17/03/2019 22:00

Today, my roommate invited her brother over to drink. Neither can handle their drink and her brother is a sympathy spewer. He’s not my guest but I had to clean up vomit until 4 in the morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 148

You deserved it 221

Alcohol isn't a drug, it's a drink

By Anonymous - 08/05/2022 10:00

Today, I was carded for trying to buy wine and was told the dates were faded, so they wouldn’t be selling it to me, since they suspected I was underage. I work at the vineyard that produces the wine, I’m the head vintner, and I made the wine in the bottle I wasn’t allowed to buy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 195

You deserved it 167

They tried to make me go to rehab…

By drunkenloser - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my alcoholism reached a new low when I found myself sitting on the toilet drinking a bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 512

You deserved it 39 135

I get around

By Permafucked - 12/05/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, not wanting to be known as a lightweight anymore, I started drinking with some guy friends. After one beer, I ended up in bed with one of them, who kindly put my bra back on for me after, as I was too sloshed. I'm no longer known as lightweight, but instead, the slutty drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 108

You deserved it 86 274

FML on Facebook

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The Top

Today, I baked some regular brownies for my friend. Just to mess with him, after he ate some, I said they had weed in them. He trashed my room in anger, and still won't believe me when I tell him that I didn't actually slip him any drugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 118

You deserved it 40 154

Today, while I was peacefully sleeping, I felt a hand suddenly slap my forehead. Then fingers began to press against my mouth, then nose, then eyes. I finally woke up to my girlfriend laughing hysterically. She'd confused me with her clock-radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 643

You deserved it 3 774

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 072

You deserved it 2 610

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 645

You deserved it 7 760

Today, I encountered one of my professors from college. Back when I was in his game theory class, he publicly criticized me for falling asleep and not paying attention, to which I retaliated by acing all of his exams. Four years and a degree later, I met him again... while working at Pizza Hut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 824

You deserved it 12 850

Today, my phone thought my armpit was my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 585

You deserved it 203