The Top

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By fuzzy1895 - 11/09/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I found out why I had been waking up feeling like crap for the past week. I found tufts of cat fur in my pillow case, and I am allergic to cats. My little brother thought I would get so sick, and he could have my XBox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 394

You deserved it 2 597

Must've been a good joke

By HAIL SITHIS - 24/07/2015 18:54 - United States

Today, I was on a date, and I tried breaking the ice by telling him my best joke. He laughed hysterically for a good 10 seconds, started beating the table with his fist, then suddenly went deadpan and said, "No, seriously, you're a moron. Screw this date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 218

You deserved it 3 280

By girlgirlinsanity - 25/07/2010 11:09 - United States

Spicy

Today, when my girlfriend woke me up, she said, "I just had the sexiest dream." Thinking she was feeling frisky, I started to try to fool around with her. She pulled away and said, "Well it wasn't about YOU." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 594

You deserved it 5 790

By OhNo - 02/03/2013 13:31 - United States - Castlewood

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 866

You deserved it 5 953

Some BFF…

By reginaphalange - This FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, I found out that my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited. I had just finished planning a surprise party for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 247

You deserved it 3 377

By boring - 10/05/2010 10:14 - New Zealand

Today, I fell asleep and dreamed that I had won $500,000. In my dream, I used this money to buy a new MP3 Player, and then put the rest in a term deposit. Even in my dreams, I'm the most boring person I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 754

You deserved it 7 975

By Anonymous - 22/08/2009 19:39 - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the Oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 021

You deserved it 46 214

By bigbum - 04/11/2012 09:50 - Australia - Glenroy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 180

You deserved it 2 398

By jackgrant - 07/12/2011 01:01 - Iran Islamic Republic of

Today, I went to a concert. Being 6'5" was a great advantage because I could see the stage from wherever I was stood. On the downside, I was used by people as a meeting point. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 397

You deserved it 4 067

By camille - 29/10/2011 13:40 - United States

Today, my dad yelled for me. It was an emergency. I ran down the stairs, tripped, fell, and limped over to my dad only to find that he wanted me to see a video of someone playing "Bohemian Rhapsody" on the ukulele. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 398

You deserved it 3 200

Cringe

By iamshrimpy - 08/01/2010 06:24 - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook to a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 113

You deserved it 6 041

By fuck fof and die dad - 20/11/2014 19:48 - Germany - Kiel

Spicy

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 605

You deserved it 9 466

By fmlfmlfml - 11/10/2011 14:22 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend rekindled the romance with his ex, at my 21st birthday party. One of the few reasons I'd invited her was to show that I trusted him, and I no longer felt threatened by their continued friendship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 871

You deserved it 8 704

Forget me not

By ohgodwhyfml - 28/11/2015 14:32 - United States - Danbury

Spicy

Today, a girl I'd been talking to all night actually wanted to come home with me. Stopped to buy condoms. Got home, clothes came off, took out a condom. "Sorry, I'm allergic to latex". She left in a cab. I'm a 27-year old virgin for another night and now have a box of condoms to remind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 171

You deserved it 3 247

By Anonymous - 15/04/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, I backed my car into a parked car in a parking lot. Not only did I back into a parked car, but it was the ONLY parked car there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 229

You deserved it 72 669

We need to talk

By Anonymous - 30/07/2015 19:29 - Canada - Foam Lake

Spicy

Today, I just found my husband on Craigslist. He's working away from home, and he's looking to give a blowjob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 691

You deserved it 2 989

By off to the whorehouse, then - 31/03/2014 21:03 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Spicy

Today, my Game of Thrones addicted girlfriend decided to name my penis Tyrion Lannister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 963

You deserved it 7 814

By Jaxur05 - 28/02/2012 13:27 - United States

Today, I get to stand in the unemployment line for the second time in a year because my company can't pay me. My parents own the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 175

You deserved it 3 193

By Anonymous - 25/03/2011 03:36 - United States

Today, I'm babysitting three children under the age of seven. They have no discipline, don't listen, scream all the time, won't nap, terrorize my dog, and have peed their pants a collective 5 times today. I am not getting paid for this. Their mother has no plans to come get them any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 713

You deserved it 9 739

By Wreet - 11/01/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I went shopping with this girl I like while my girlfriend was busy. We ended up going grocery shopping to make dinner together, and I ran into my girlfriend's parents. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 066

You deserved it 78 798

By Raaaaaaarrrrrr - 13/07/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I bought a CD off a man who always plays Spanish guitar in the subway. When I got to work and tried playing the CD, it was blank. I paid $15 for a blank CD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 179

You deserved it 21 683

By NoThanksGrandma - 20/11/2011 07:37

Today, I walk into my grandma's house after having a fabulous lunch with a few friends. The first thing I hear is "Be a dear and help me change my colostomy bag." I lost that fabulous lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 340

You deserved it 4 154

Thanks dad…

By Anonymous - 26/09/2012 20:27 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 665

You deserved it 2 617

By kenbez123 - 14/08/2013 07:55 - Malta - Santa Venera

Today, I found my elderly neighbour on all fours in my garden eating my flowers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 612

You deserved it 3 500

kenbez123 tells us more.

kenbez123 10

Wednesday 14 August 2013 23:10

The neighbour in question was male. No he was not naked (thank god). When he noticed me he just ran off back to his house.

By mcdonalds - 06/08/2013 04:11 - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 262

You deserved it 4 874

By masterman - 27/08/2012 06:45 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I turned on the TV just in time to see my picture on the news. I have no idea what they said about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 152

You deserved it 2 956

By Nudge23 - 26/09/2011 07:26 - Australia

Today, I cleared out the messages in my voicemail. Of the 50+ messages, most were from my mother wanting to know when I'd be home. I'm 27. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 843

You deserved it 4 665

By W1D0 - 20/08/2011 06:23 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 115

You deserved it 5 037

By murrrrf - 21/07/2014 05:30 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, as I was on the couch taking a nap, it started violently shaking. I panicked and chased my family outside, convinced it was an earthquake. It was just the cat trapped inside the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 104

You deserved it 7 863

murrrrf tells us more.

murrrrf 12

Monday 21 July 2014 17:59

OP Captain is pushing 25 lbs. he's a big cat. And is very violent when he's scared. Also he likes to hide in odd places. So the recling couch is his favorite fort. The rest of you, I'm Not explaining shit. I

By Screwed - 07/06/2014 13:31 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I took some heavy pain medication before calling my boyfriend. I don't remember the call, but apparently confessed to really liking corn, and faking orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 447

You deserved it 15 830

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The Top

The Top

Today, after being with the company for over 3 years, I realised nobody really knows my name. This was after my boss was walking around a new staff member and couldn't introduce me. Neither could my colleague, who's been sitting next to me for the last 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 197

You deserved it 3 962

Today, after 3 hours of sleep, I had to rush to my grandmother's house because she fell and couldn't get up. An embarrassed, half-naked old lady, a very wet rug, an ambulance and a trip to the hospital later, and she still refuses to use her cane and walker. I hope I'm not this stubborn when I'm old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 132

You deserved it 2 683

Today, I made salmon patties and boiled cabbage. I smelled smoke from my stove burner, but thought I spilled something in the burner. No big deal. Later, this horrible smell started coming from the stove. My husband took the stove apart, only to find that I had fried a mouse as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 527

You deserved it 4 088

Today, my two year old girl said "motherfucker". Everyone laughed, even her grandparents. Our family is insane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 107

You deserved it 9 238

Today, working in PR, I've been unable to attend 2 out of 3 of my booked tours. That "non-refundable, zero excuses" policy with the billion dollar online activities provider has me out $400. So, instead of enjoying what should be a beautiful PR birthday trip, I'm online now scheduling returns of clothes and jewelry to cover the losses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 550

You deserved it 511

Today, I was at a karaoke bar. After a few drinks, I gave it a go. Halfway through “Total Eclipse of the Heart” I got so into it, I knocked over the mic stand. The mic flew off, hit the DJ, who then hit the emergency stop button, cutting off the music. I froze as the bar erupted into laughter. I did get a free Coke for my “performance,” which was something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 352

You deserved it 202