The Top

The most agreed on FMLs The most commented on FMLs The most favorited

The top of the day The top of the week The top of the month The top of the year The all-time greatest FMLs

By ilovekids? - 12/12/2015 02:05 - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 146

You deserved it 6 015

By hating my life - 26/11/2015 07:57 - United States

Today, I managed to accidentally drop an entire cake on my laptop's keyboard. There's so much frosting stuck under the keys, I have no idea how I'm going to clean it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 759

You deserved it 7 466

TMI FML

By Addison - 25/06/2012 00:28 - Canada - Kingston

Spicy

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 016

You deserved it 3 650

Cheeky!

By Anonymous - 03/08/2014 05:16 - Australia - Perth

Today, at work, an old man was having trouble using his credit card at the checkout. I told him to "just stick it in", and he replied with "I love it when you talk dirty to me." The whole line at the checkout laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 183

You deserved it 23 625

By Tabby - 06/08/2011 20:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 620

You deserved it 3 866

By Anonymous - 25/04/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I was ringing a lady up at the register. I noticed her son was doing the peepee dance, so I rushed the payment process up and handed her the receipt. The little boy says "Mommy" and the mom looks down, then back up at me saying, "Your problem now" and walks out. The boy peed on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 113

You deserved it 2 643

By TT - 19/04/2009 20:48 - United States

Today, I went to get some teeth pulled. I had Novocaine in my gums and lip so I couldn't feel a thing. When the doctor is pulling out the last tooth, he sneezes and pulls the tooth out. He looks in my mouth and I hear, "Oh, shit..." I now have stitches in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 744

You deserved it 2 602

By damnit - 11/09/2010 20:46 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend called and told me he had a surprise for me and to meet up with him to find out. The big surprise was a consultation with a plastic surgeon for rhinoplasty surgery. I never disliked my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 062

You deserved it 2 583

Common myth

By Anonymous - 01/04/2014 06:06 - United States - Eugene

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were snuggling and we placed our hands together, palm to palm. I can bend the tips of my fingers over hers, which apparently surprised her because she commented, "Huh, so big hands AREN'T related to penis size." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 855

You deserved it 7 974

By Anonymous - 19/05/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 276

You deserved it 12 890

By Anonymous - 07/01/2013 00:24 - United States - Boise

Today, while out hiking, my phone slipped out of my pocket. I caught it and gave it to my little cousin, giving her a "special mission" to keep it safe. When we got back to our cars later, I asked her for my phone back. Turns out she left it under a shrub back in the hills so it'd be "safe." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 346

You deserved it 38 549

Such a rush

By Embarrassed - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was getting a spray tan and realized I didn't have a hair tie, so I used a thong instead. I lost track of time and realized I needed to go pick up my daughter. I threw on my clothes, drove to pick her up, went to the store, and went for ice cream... thong still in my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 360

You deserved it 47 649

By Girl - 19/08/2009 00:23 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was playing catch with my 6 year old cousin in the garden, when he demanded a piggy back. Trying to be the good cousin, I did so and he soon shouts "Run! Run!" so I do so. Suddenly he shouts "STOP! My winky's gone pointy". I gave my 6 year old cousin an erection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 175

You deserved it 5 343

Fast response

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my mom bought me pepper spray in case anyone tried to "mess" with me. I put it in my purse. Later, a guy snatched my purse before I even had the chance to take out the pepper spray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 596

You deserved it 4 286

By Anonymous - 09/01/2010 05:58 - United States

Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 202

You deserved it 44 461

By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - 10/10/2011 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 183

You deserved it 3 595

Get on with it

By HP_22 - 01/12/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 766

You deserved it 3 308

By perfectman - 12/06/2012 10:34 - Australia - Sydney

Today, it was my first time meeting my fiancé's parents. My future mother-in-law had cooked steak, hearing it was my favourite food. I somehow managed to bite my tongue, and then blurt out "Fuck!" just after she asked me how it was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 325

You deserved it 8 393

You're not my real mom

By violatedbuttcrack - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 695

You deserved it 5 483

By BBeffedmylife - 14/06/2014 14:18 - United States - Morganville

Today, I collected a package from a handsome UPS guy. We exchanged smiles, and he even noticeably checked me out. I was feeling really confident for the first time in a while. Then I went inside and saw that I had two huge breastmilk spots on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 596

You deserved it 7 930

BBeffedmylife tells us more.

BBeffedmylife 28

Saturday 14 June 2014 20:52

OP here! Stoked that this got published! A couple of things... This actually happened last year. I had just had my daughter a couple months prior. For those of you who have never had children, it takes awhile to be comfortable with your body after being pregnant and giving birth to baby. Also, for those of you wondering, I am actually a married woman. Married women can still find someone attractive without wanting to get in their pants. I was mostly just flattered that someone was actually taking notice in me after feeling so huge and unattractive for the past year. Thank you so much for the positive comments!! A lot of you made me smile and laugh!

By ready_set_go - 09/04/2009 01:14 - Canada

Today, my sister told my mother how she saw our neighbour's son at the movies with a girl and that they were kissing. My mother said that any girl willing to date someone so ugly must have self esteem issues and they laughed. I'm his girlfriend, my sister didn't recognize me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 75 012

You deserved it 4 782

ready_set_go tells us more.

ready_set_go 0

Friday 10 April 2009 5:32

Hey update for everyone: I decided "surprise" my mother and sister by inviting my new boyfriend over for dinner but didnt say who it was. When he came through the door and I introduced him as my boyfriend they stared shocked at me realizing that they had put their feet in their mouths. And just to add a little more salt to their wounds, I kissed him, smiled sweetly at him and asked my sister and mother "So, what do you think of him again? Im sure he would like to know if you approve." Needless to say they got the hint that not only do I not have low self esteem but I am VERY PROUD to be his girlfriend lol btw they havent talked crap about him since!

By Anonymous - 22/03/2009 02:36 - United States

Today, one of my co-workers invited me to a cookout at her house with some other people from my new job. She said to wear my suit. Assuming she had a pool, I showed up in a bikini, only to find everyone else wearing business attire and staring at me like I had lost my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 054

You deserved it 69 662

By NiHao - 28/09/2009 03:16 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I was at my friend's dorm eating supper. He and all his roommates are Chinese, and since I'm majoring in Chinese, I could understand what they were talking about. Too bad none of his friends knew that, and talked about banging me while I was sitting there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 192

You deserved it 3 902

Awks

By John doe - 11/04/2010 11:54 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up next to a woman nearly twice my age. I don't know how to tell her it was drunken sex and not the beginning of a relationship. But I have to come up with something soon as I work with her Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 531

You deserved it 44 421

By MC Turtledick - 15/02/2012 01:28 - United States

Today, I walked out and saw four kids mercilessly keying my car. When I questioned them on it, they said "Oh, that was your car? Oh well at least we didn't pee on your door handles too." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 769

You deserved it 2 170

Outta my way

By Anonymous - 09/02/2011 07:32 - United States

Today, it was my first day at work as a cashier. I was so nervous that my whole body got numb and my eye sight completely blurred. I ran to the bathroom blind while bumping into everything in the store, making sure that everyone knew I had a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 223

You deserved it 7 559

By reserved - 22/10/2012 09:01 - United States - Paso Robles

Today, my boyfriend told me he wants to break up. But not until after our anniversary tomorrow, because he's already gotten dinner reservations for us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 008

You deserved it 1 976

Sneaky

By Suckered - 04/12/2015 21:47 - United States - Hialeah

Today, I found out my son was never accepted into the local university two years ago. He actually went out and got a job, and only lied about it so he could keep living in my house rent-free. The conniving bastard makes more than I do at my minimum-wage job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 740

You deserved it 4 745

By mommydearest - 04/09/2011 16:08 - Denmark

Today, my paranoid wreck of a girlfriend read a text message on my phone from a woman asking if I was coming over for dinner. The woman was my mom. My girlfriend stormed out and hasn't answered my calls all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 374

You deserved it 4 125

By Taylor - 20/07/2012 18:23 - United States - Columbus

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wear makeup much. Expecting him to say something about my natural beauty, I replied with an honest, "No." His smiled softly, gently squeezed my shoulder, and said, "Maybe you should." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 492

You deserved it 3 763

FML on Facebook

Keywords

Weddings Miscellaneous Embarrassing Cute Relatable Job interview Work Love First Dates Vacation Family Conspiracy theorist Transportation AITA Sleep Parents Kids Coworkers Frustration Annoying Health Liar Pranks Weird Sex Bodyshaming Awkward Teachers Gross School

The Top

The Top

Today, I gave my virginity to my boyfriend. All I got in return was rug burn and an infection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 741

You deserved it 6 254

Today, I was yelled at by a customer because I wouldn't give her a new iPhone 5 for free to replace her broken Nokia, which she threw out the window in "blind rage". I felt awful having to thank her for calling. Sadly, this is a daily event. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 788

You deserved it 2 693

Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 976

You deserved it 4 505

Today, I started crying in class because of a sad part in the book I was reading. I got pulled out into the hallway and my male teacher asked, "Is it your special time?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 015

You deserved it 8 581

Today, it’s Mother’s Day. My mother-in-law, who is batshit crazy, bought her daughter a pinwheel. My MIL claims she “saw it and knew it was for her.” Her daughter is 47. This might be laughable, but over the years, her daughter is slowly turning into her. I’m effed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 573

You deserved it 166

Today, I found out my seven-year-old nephew has worked out my phone’s passcode, which admittedly is pretty basic. He also knows how to send texts. How did I find out? By receiving a reply to the message he sent my boss that said, “Your stinky, you suck, big boobie.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 434

You deserved it 150