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The next day (on her actual birthday), I wished her a happy birthday again and luckily I still had a present for her (I had planned on giving her the nicest present right before bed the previous night but when she told me her birthday was the next day, I kept it for her real birthday!). :-)

By Me - 19/11/2015 22:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 103

You deserved it 2 171

By soulebelius - 07/09/2014 22:50 - United States

Today, my mother told me that she and my father aren't coming to my wedding if my estranged brother who stopped talking to me two years ago isn't invited. She claims they don't want to choose sides. Brother: 1. Me: 0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 975

You deserved it 3 259

soulebelius tells us more.

soulebelius 17

Wednesday 10 September 2014 19:40

Just a quick update from the OP: this isn't the first threat my mother gave me about this. She actually influenced my sister to have the same stance. Me and my sister worked it out, but my mom crossed the line. She brings this up when it benefits her ulterior motive to reunite the family (ain't mad at her for that), but it shouldn't be brought up while we're announcing our engagement, or introducing both families for the first time, or a casual conversation months later about us getting on the same insurance. The saddest part is... Me and the missus were planning on having only our closest immediate family. It was going to be around 10 total people. I told her she doesn't have to worry anymore: no need for them to go. Not even bitter. I just want to keep the focus on the happy couple and not use our day as a family counseling session.

By Anonymous - 12/07/2012 06:40 - United States - Houston

Today, an old guy approached me and asked if I had ever seen an elephant with white ears. I shook my head. He then pulled the pockets out of his shorts and whipped out his sex nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 389

You deserved it 4 741

Slippery

By Estranged Fiance - 26/12/2016 05:49 - United States

Today, my fiancé got impatient and passed a lady doing 15 mph under the speed limit. The lady was driving slowly in case the black ice in the other lane was in both. We spun out and drove right into a guard rail. I'd just filled the tank, so now I'm down $40 and need to pay for a rental too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 820

You deserved it 3 325

Take the hints

By Unwanted - 03/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 931

You deserved it 4 693

By Devil's Pigeon - 18/04/2017 14:00

Today, on vacation, I had my first encounter with a macaw parrot, who promptly bit my ear and shat on me while amused tourists laughed and took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 264

You deserved it 420

By anonymous - 02/11/2015 03:13 - United States - San Francisco

Today, was the first time giving head to my boyfriend. He couldn't finish, so I tried a handjob. In the end he kind of pushed my hand away so he could finish himself off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 350

You deserved it 7 541

By ItWasHotAsBalls - 22/12/2016 00:56

Today, my mom was out of the house, so I decided to make her a gift. I went into the garage for supplies and somehow ended up locking myself in for the next 2 hours. Not only that, but I cut my hand with the rusty paperclip I used to try to pick the lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 584

You deserved it 1 661

By WiseGuy0481 - 19/12/2016 20:18 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend leaving a store. She used to ridicule me for not making much money, but I now have a good job and a BMW. Trying to show off, I cranked up the music and drove by. She looked up right as I hit a car backing out of its parking space. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 578

You deserved it 11 354

WiseGuy0481 tells us more.

WiseGuy0481 3

Monday 26 December 2016 0:34

When we were together it was constant comments about how I was barely staying afloat and "how could I take care of her if I could barely take care of myself?". I was trying everything I could to make her happy but she would not let it go. It ended up being part of the reason we split. That was almost a year ago. I now work for a great company and make really good money. I just bought my car last month. I see her coming out of the store and all those talks came shooting back into my head. I just wanted her to see me happy and doing well....ok I wanted her to feel dumb and regret splitting up. Nevertheless I blared the music and slowly rolled right into a car backing out. Luckily it barely scratched it. I saw no regret in her eyes, laughter yes, regret no. So yes I deserved it. Karma sucks.

By Ihavelike3bucks - 18/12/2016 13:51

Today, when calling out of work, I was told by my boss that I was "full of shit" before he hung up. I actually am. I haven't pooped in almost four days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 742

You deserved it 633

Ihavelike3bucks tells us more.

Ihavelike3bucks 3

Friday 23 December 2016 19:16

Of course out of all the FMLs I've submitted through the years - this is the one that went through. Anyway, I'm better now! On top of that, I got hit with the flu like a truck. No laxatives, stool softeners, magnesium, enemas, etc helped and between that circle of hell I ended up going to the ER. Ended up literally tearing myself a new one with an anal fissure. I've never been constipated before so this was awful. Oh also my first day back, our entire building was shut down and we all were laid off. Happy Holidays everyone!