The Top

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By ohman - 02/10/2010 06:28 - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because 'I look like his hamster when I'm eating sunflower seeds.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 614

You deserved it 5 864

Weird flex, but OK

By gotmon3y - 07/04/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 938

You deserved it 81 883

By dannyboy1422 - 02/10/2009 19:17 - United States

Today, we had a lockdown in our school for 2 hours because a man was sitting outside our school in his car with a gun in hand. I texted my mom telling her what was going on and that it's on the news. She responded saying "I'll tape it". FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 975

You deserved it 3 663

No more treats

By Fatty1970 - This FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 267

You deserved it 20 063

By eaa145 - 03/03/2009 21:40 - United States

Spicy

Today, for my two-year anniversary I got my girlfriend a very expensive diamond necklace. She got me male enhancement pills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 158 446

You deserved it 18 270

That's what I call Heavy Metal

By Jordan - 30/04/2011 19:52 - United States

Today, my favorite song came on and I started playing air guitar and headbanging to it. I didn't realize just how close I was to the chair next to me and went face first into the metal back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 313

You deserved it 37 460

By Shelly P. - 29/01/2012 00:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me twelve roses and told me that he would love me until the last one dies. Remembering the Facebook like, I began looking for the fake one but couldn't find it. When I pointed out that all twelve were real and would die within days, he responded, "Exactly." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 554

You deserved it 3 552

Fear

By wimp - 15/08/2009 17:06 - United States

Today, while I was at the doctor's, they told me that my son and I needed a shot, I went first to show my son that it wouldn't hurt and that shots were not something to be afraid of. When they gave me mine, I started crying. My four year-old son handles pain better than his 29 year-old mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 496

You deserved it 40 941

Creep in chief

By wow @ creepy fuckers - 17/11/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 194

You deserved it 6 160

By Anonymous - 26/10/2013 00:49 - United States - Adrian

Today, my boyfriend told me how jealous he gets when I "hang out" with Dylan. Dylan is the 5-year-old boy whom I babysit every day. My boyfriend wants me to stop, because apparently Dylan cockblocks him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 283

You deserved it 5 360

By Isabell - 06/02/2010 05:31 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 809

You deserved it 5 880

By skidmark - 08/12/2011 14:48 - United States

Today, while standing completely still at Walmart, I was hit by a drunk man on a Jazzy Scooter. He laughed, said it was an accident, gunned the scooter and took out two more people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 444

You deserved it 2 676

Stiched up

By familyofpsychos - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States - Elkhorn

Today, I found a notebook my 12-year-old sister had been doodling in. Turns out the "doodles" were poems full of obscenities and descriptions of how she wanted to hurt herself. When I showed it to my mom, she accused me of writing the notebook myself to frame my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 943

You deserved it 2 460

By drfrogpepper - 01/01/2011 23:50 - United States

Today, I was dumped by the guy who serenaded me with his guitar and admitted he had feelings for me. Why? Because the girl who had continuously been rejecting him for so long finally decided to give him a chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 092

You deserved it 3 613

By Anonymous - 06/01/2010 01:10 - United States

Today, I went on a blind date that my best friend had set up for me. When I arrived, I introduced myself and we sat at the table. After we ordered our food, he asked the waiter for some crayons and a kid's menu, and colored for the half hour before our food came. He didn't talk to me at all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 538

You deserved it 4 030

The disrespect!

By squeezable - 19/06/2009 17:48 - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my love handles, and said, "Honk, honk!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 439

You deserved it 6 822

Jailbird

By XoxoChula - 22/03/2013 05:41 - United States

Today, my dad came out of jail. He showed me his tattoo of a Bible on his chest with all his 13 kids' names on it. I'm the only one whose name is spelled wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 043

You deserved it 3 089

Sore loser

By Anonymous - 14/03/2013 02:15 - Australia - Picton

Today, my boyfriend and I were play-fighting. I managed to pin him down and win. He saw my grin, snorted, and bitterly said I'd only won because, "let's face it, you're a bit of a porker, eh babe?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 081

You deserved it 5 884

Thanks but no thanks

By Nicole - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while in Walmart, I noticed an old man who had been following me for about five minutes. I politely pulled over with my cart and smiled at him so he could pass. He then said with a creepy smile, "So, it's your turn to stare at my butt now?" It's the most attention I've gotten in weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 952

You deserved it 3 372

By Anonymous - 18/08/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm immune to laughing gas and partially immune to novocaine while I was getting two teeth pulled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 855

You deserved it 2 942

By BeboKhaos - 04/08/2009 02:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 812

You deserved it 9 525

By KnuckleSandwich - 20/07/2009 19:10 - United States

Today, I received a medical bill because my daughter thought it would be hilarious to try and fit her fist in her mouth. She succeeded in getting it in, but not in getting it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 680

You deserved it 3 758

By bip - 15/12/2008 05:36 - France

Today, I wanted to see if the frying pan was hot. I no longer have fingerprints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 882

You deserved it 57 464

By Username - 15/12/2010 17:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 245

You deserved it 35 055

By KereKris - 14/01/2016 12:11 - Netherlands

Today, I almost died. My friends dragged me unconcious, hypothermic and half-drowned out of the sea. A helicopter took me to the hospital where they brought me back to life. My family's reaction? "You aren't dying so we don't have to come to the hospital." They wouldn't even bring me clothes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 261

You deserved it 1 846

KereKris tells us more.

KereKris 25

Friday 15 January 2016 0:09

OP here. I guess this needs a follow-up. I was in a sailing boat with some friends and although there were big waves, the wind wasn't too strong so we thought it would be safe sailing. We were wrong about that. An exceptionally big wave came up from behind. The boat started surfing uncontrollably down from it and eventually flipped. I was caught by a rope and dragged under water. Fortunately I had a safety knife strapped to my leg so I could cut myself free but it took some time and I lost consciousness before I could make it up. My friends dragged up on the upturned hull of our boat because they were unable to flip it back. The tide was rising so the current pushed us close to the shore. In the surf we were trown off again and because of the waves it was too dangerous to approach the boat again so my friends swam to the shore, dragging me behind them. I regained consciousness for a while but passed out again as soon as we made it to the beach. Hope this answers all your questions.

By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted, "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 350

You deserved it 4 011

By Danny - 28/05/2012 18:02 - Ireland - Dublin

Spicy

Today, I realised that my body has its own masturbation cycle; while I was out shopping, I heard the intro music to my room-mate's favourite video game, and popped an uncontrollable boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 316

You deserved it 5 782

By Matt - 28/04/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 378

You deserved it 15 758

By Anonymous - 28/07/2015 00:08 - United States

Spicy

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 333

You deserved it 2 990

By gassy - 29/12/2012 09:32 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I auditioned for a role in ballet. My stomach was in pain and as I ran to be lifted into the air by my partner, I let out a huge fart. The auditorium was dead silent. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 518

You deserved it 4 641

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The Top

The Top

Today, one of my cats peed all over the back of my couch, so I put her outside for a while. When I let her in, she ran straight to the couch and peed on my laptop. This has been going on ever since I accidentally stepped on her tail, several months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 795

You deserved it 12 159

Today, I was in the library when police arrested me for threatening people. The librarian even told them I did nothing wrong, and that the actual girl they wanted had already left. They took me in anyway. My dad sided with the police and let me “think about what I did” in jail overnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 927

You deserved it 89

Today, I asked my dad if he could fix my bed. It had been squeaking for some time. He shook his head no. He then continued with, "Your bed is a security system and as far as I can tell, you haven't gotten any in weeks". FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 701

You deserved it 5 281

Today, during a brutal two and half hour dental procedure, the dentist kept saying my gums were inflamed, and bleeding a lot. The clichéd "You need to floss more!" tirade. After she was done, my gums were purple, bruised, and had a visible cut on them. But sure, the bleeding was from me not flossing enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 400

You deserved it 165

Today, my mother yet again chose to put my brother's junkie of an ex-girlfriend's needs and happiness above mine, despite the fact that she's stolen thousands of dollars and anything else of value from my mom's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 006

You deserved it 99

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 644

You deserved it 2 728