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Opportunist

By Mick - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

agreeclassic 865 444

vote type 1 95 093

Manly man

By takinabreak - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "Radiance Ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "Radiance Ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

agreeclassic 66 243

vote type 1 33 878

La la land

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I confided to my dad that since the recent breakup with my boyfriend of 3 months, I feel down all the time and life doesn't feel worth living anymore. His loving advice was for me to "grow the fuck up and get your sentimental head out of la-la land." FML

agreeclassic 23 299

vote type 1 72 536

Creepy season is over

By Michael - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found the source of the bad smell that has been plaguing me for the past two weeks in my apartment. The police knocked on my door asking if I've seen my neighbor recently. I haven't. The smell has been that of a dead person. It's a smell that even Febreze can't remove. FML

agreeclassic 85 493

vote type 1 5 261

Gun control

By grant b - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boss asked if he could pay me in guns. FML

agreeclassic 35 723

vote type 1 6 165

Please don't do this

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

agreeclassic 76 565

vote type 1 6 942

What the hell am I doing here?

By weirdome23 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

agreeclassic 39 800

vote type 1 8 733

Burn!

By morningeyes - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was trying to remove a temporary tattoo my friend put on my cheek. When warm water and soap didn't work, I tried something else. Just so you know, Mr. Clean Magic Erasers do not, in fact, work by magic. Tell that to the massive chemical burn covering half my face. FML

agreeclassic 18 201

vote type 1 95 781

Thwack

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, all while sending blood down my horn. FML

agreeclassic 33 126

vote type 1 4 214

What were you thinking?

By embarrassed - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

agreeclassic 10 655

vote type 1 125 458

Don't feed the trolls

By pathetic - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Poland - Warsaw

Today, I was trolling in a chat room when someone said, quote, "He's just a no-life, unemployed loser still living in his mom's basement. Probably spends all day stroking his tiny dong and fantasizing about having a real girlfriend." I actually started crying because it was so accurate. FML

agreeclassic 16 287

vote type 1 57 197

Lose-lose

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mother has been seeing my maths teacher. I'm still failing his class. FML

agreeclassic 31 494

vote type 1 8 024

Tinder Surprise

By betrayed - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML

agreeclassic 111 413

vote type 1 6 559

RIP it up and start again

By A girl - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - Netherlands

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

agreeclassic 53 284

vote type 1 4 647

Asshats

By anon - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking in the park when I heard some boys shouting behind me. As I turned around they poured a bucket of red liquid over my head. They thought I was someone they knew. I wasn't. And I was wearing a $200 white dress. Red dye doesn't come out of white dresses. FML

agreeclassic 84 579

vote type 1 4 985

Party pooper

By imbx - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was at a pool party. My friend's little sister pushed me in the pool, so when I got out, I pushed her in. She started screaming, and I started laughing because I thought she was pissed that I'd pushed her in. That wasn't why she was screaming. She can't swim. Her whole family witnessed it. FML

agreeclassic 54 159

vote type 1 20 443

Right back at ya!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I had just got a milkshake with some friends. We were about to drive past my ex's house, so I thought it would be funny to throw the milkshake in his yard. Turns out, if you're going 50mph and try to throw a shake out the window, it comes right back at you. FML

agreeclassic 7 973

vote type 1 105 050

Woah!

By Mel - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML

agreeclassic 42 304

vote type 1 13 080

They're indoctrinating our children… with pranks!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my eight year-old son came to me and said he thinks it's time he started wearing bras. It turns out his older brother has been mindfucking him for the past several months and has him convinced it's something all boys his age do. I can't convince him otherwise. FML

agreeclassic 40 818

vote type 1 4 008

Great start

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I met my new roommate. She severely struggled with pronouncing my name, and decided that to save time and the effort, she's just going to call me what she thinks my name sounds like: Lube. FML

agreeclassic 28 495

vote type 1 3 341

Bad start to the day

By Concussed - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

agreeclassic 53 059

vote type 1 6 140

Denied!

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I swam in a race against all of the girls in the midwest in the hardest, longest, most grueling race you can swim. I won. Happy but so tired I could barely move, I looked up to see my time. I had been disqualified. For flinching. Before the race started. FML

agreeclassic 85 403

vote type 1 6 735

Gratitude walks

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it's my soon to be 12 year-old daughter's birthday. On my break at work I texted her how much I loved her and happy birthday. She replied with, "K, when will you be home? Mom won't let me open presents until you're here." Good to know I'm loved. FML

agreeclassic 33 735

vote type 1 5 242

Classic

By rejected - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was talking to my guy friend about prom. I told him I was turned down by 7 guys. So he said, "Well, you could always ask me." I then said, "Do you want to go to prom with me?" His response was, "Nope… now that's 8!" FML

agreeclassic 157 635

vote type 1 28 972

Where did you come from?

By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I was about to get in the shower, when I felt an odd itch in my navel. I saw what I thought was bellybutton lint, so I pulled on it, and quickly realized what I had between my fingers was a still-squirming, headless tick. FML

agreeclassic 32 977

vote type 1 2 932

I am the passenger

By jreed509 - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, while riding a roller coaster, I got hit in the chest by a wasp going 80 miles per hour. As if that didn't hurt enough, it somehow managed to survive and fall down my shirt. It crawled around and stung me a few times before the ride ended. FML

agreeclassic 41 224

vote type 1 4 164

I'm fine, this is fine

By btg - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, I found out that my girlfriend feeds her boogers to our dog. Sometimes she even makes her do tricks for them. FML

agreeclassic 36 680

vote type 1 3 662

Dude, where's my car?

By not_so_sweet_sixteen - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. I was hoping to get a car. Instead, my parents got me a three month membership at the gym so I can lose weight. FML

agreeclassic 40 723

vote type 1 56 292

It's a sign!

By unknown951 - this FML is from back in 2010 but it's good stuff

Today, I went to the doctor because recently I've had a white liquid coming from my breast. I found out it's milk. I'm not pregnant. FML

agreeclassic 34 040

vote type 1 4 830

Got talent?

By sorrygrandma - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, our school chorus went to a senior citizens' home. An elderly lady died during my solo. FML

agreeclassic 48 975

vote type 1 4 287

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Keywords

Miscellaneous Stalker My ex Coworkers Love Internet Relatable AITA Pokémon Awkward Work Parenting Kids Annoying Shopping Underwear Jealousy Parents Thief Suspicious Sex Intimacy Family NSFW Birthday Gifts I need your advice Accident Abuse Moving home

Top

Today, I was washing my face like I normally do. My mom walked by as I was wiping my face and said "That's the washcloth I use to wipe my ass!" My dad and brothers are now only addressing me as "Assface." FML

agreeclassic 24 033

vote type 1 2 537

Today, my boyfriend of 7 months broke up with me, and then asked if I'd give him head one last time before he left. FML

agreeclassic 47 872

vote type 1 6 924

Today, I was given the best news of my life. I am cancer free and am not, at the ripe age of 23 going to bite the dust. My husband left his journal on the nightstand in our bedroom. He wrote, "I feel like a bad person, but if she dies, I don't have to get divorced." FML

agreeclassic 83 058

vote type 1 4 864

Today, my husband got drunk, which was bad enough, but then he got me to the point where I wanted sex too, so I let him climb aboard. He was inside me for 3 thrusts and then stopped. He’d fallen asleep, so I pushed him off me, mad as hell, then he farted and shit a little bit. I married this twat. FML

agreeclassic 2 023

vote type 1 819

Today, I finally password-protected my phone, to protect it from my friends' favorite game: stealing it and sending stupid texts, and hijacking my Facebook. They quickly found a new game. My phone is now locked for 24 hours due to too many attempts to guess the password. FML

agreeclassic 45 383

vote type 1 7 433

Today, I discovered my mom has over 20 sites bookmarked on her laptop, all having to do with 'How To Boost Your Insecure Teen's Confidence' or 'How To Help Your Overweight Teen Have A Positive Self Image'. Thanks, Mommy. FML

agreeclassic 34 679

vote type 1 7 295