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unholyhalfbreed's favorite FMLs
Today, my dad’s best friend, who has been his business associate for the past 28 years, took me to a Star Wars store for my 18th birthday. He put on a Darth Vader helmet, and imitating his voice, said: "I am your father." I laughed. It wasn’t a joke. FML
by SkinsCastSelection / 01/17/2011 at 4:53am / France / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/30/2010 at 2:23pm / United Kingdom (York) / Intimacy
by xkal174 / 11/15/2010 at 6:33am / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous
by Ashley Marshburn / 10/17/2010 at 9:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids
Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML
by sleeplessinID / 08/15/2010 at 3:23am / United States (Idaho) / Health
Today, my boyfriend, who hasn't shaved in a month, went to go shave. I was pretty excited since his beard was starting to make my face itch whenever we kissed. When he came out of the bathroom he had a handlebar mustache. FML
by Anonymous / 02/08/2010 at 1:58am / United States (Texas) / Love
Today, when I was unpacking all of my stuff, my parents declared that they are going to live in Australia, and have found me a 'friend'. I am a 14 year old girl at boarding school, and my friend is my new foster mum. FML
by manksy / 01/01/2010 at 5:07pm / United Kingdom (North Yorkshire) / Work
Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML
by Starchyld / 11/11/2009 at 7:21am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, it is my wedding day. I couldn't find my very expensive wedding dress anywhere. After almost 2 hours of panic and chaos, I found it in my pool, covered in red paint, with a note on one of my lounge chairs reading, "Today is MY wedding day, bitch." FML
by weddingcrashed / 09/19/2009 at 5:04pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML
by Anonymous / 09/13/2009 at 5:27am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML
by fatty / 06/06/2009 at 10:14pm / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I thought it would be funny to bother my friend Emily. I kept punching her. She asked if I wanted to fight. I agreed because she's a 15 year old skinny girl and I'm 17 year old buff guy. She beat the crap out of me until I cried. FML
by AyoitsSteveo / 05/24/2009 at 5:49am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by honeymoondisaster / 05/23/2009 at 12:44am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML
by boyo / 05/21/2009 at 5:48am / United Kingdom (London) / Miscellaneous
Today, my family was preparing a turkey for my grandma's birthday dinner when my aunt noticed a utensil on the counter and asked what it was for. My mom said it was used to keep the turkey's legs together. My aunt responded to her by saying, "Maybe you should get one for your daughter." FML
by Familyskank / 05/06/2009 at 12:57pm / United States (Minnesota) / Intimacy
- 1Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left,… 2Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went… 3Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had…
- Today, I went to donate blood, after I was about halfway through I felt extremely sick. I told the… Today, my boyfriend dumped me. One reason was because he couldn't have "intellectual conversations"… Today, after tossing and turning for hours trying to sleep, I finally doze off. I am then awoken by…