About twye : "See, the problem isn't that life is so short. It's the fact that death is so much longer." pbnjcakes.tumblr.com yo! :U | When did this become a hook-up site?
twye's FML badges
You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
Hard at Work
Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
I like your style
You've liked someone. How cute!
twye's favorite FMLs
by a / 05/12/2015 at 12:37pm / United Kingdom (Windsor and Maidenhead) / Miscellaneous
Today, while going down on my boyfriend, I must have gotten a little too enthusiastic because I ripped my tongue's frenulum. We then awkwardly went into the bathroom. While he was washing the blood off his penis, I was hung over the toilet bowl puking because blood makes me woozy. FML
by cookies1616 / 04/22/2015 at 11:50pm / Canada (Quebec) / Intimacy
Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML
by craZycatLady / 04/20/2015 at 2:06pm / United States (Kansas) / Animals
by ThatSlappinBass / 04/17/2015 at 10:00pm / United States (Rhode Island) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got in an argument with an ex-girlfriend who kept tactlessly bragging to me about her new boyfriend. I told her to read what she'd sent me, then pretend her boyfriend was telling her that. Fifteen minutes later, her boyfriend calls me, yelling for making her feel sad. FML
by lucasbeck99 / 03/31/2015 at 5:35am / United States (Texas) / Love
by Anonymous / 03/30/2015 at 6:30am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by soontobewidow / 03/28/2015 at 5:20am / Turkey (Istanbul) / Intimacy
Today, when I woke up, I got into the bath that my boyfriend had prepared for me. I particularly appreciated its smell, so I asked him what he'd used. "I couldn't find the usual bath salts you use, so I just used what I could." It's official, I've taken a Alka-Seltzer flavored bath. FML
by Anonyme / 03/27/2015 at 5:50am / France (Bretagne) / Love
Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML
by anon / 03/20/2015 at 5:43pm / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents. My dad thought it'd be hilarious to act surprised and ask me if I'd already dumped the girlfriend I introduced him to yesterday. She slapped me and stormed out of the house before my dad could tell her it was a joke. FML
by not picking up / 03/20/2015 at 1:50pm / Slovenia (Skofljica) / Love
Today, I was helping out during the school play's interval. My head of year jokingly asked me to follow him around with these mini cocktail sausages for the rest of the school year. I thought it would be witty to reply, "Does that make me your official sausage holder?" FML
by MirandaJones / 03/20/2015 at 10:41am / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Love
Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML
by mafille / 03/18/2015 at 11:22pm / France / Kids
by spicybasement / 03/17/2015 at 11:38am / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, in my online class I accidentally unmuted my mic. Normally that would be fine except today I decided to serenade myself with a silly song. I didn't realize until everyone started clapping at the end of the song. FML
by acapelladisaster / 03/12/2015 at 8:39pm / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
by poncho55 / 02/21/2015 at 3:28pm / Miscellaneous
- Today, my boyfriend finally moved out from his parents' house to his friend's flat. Excited that I… Today, out of my bedroom window, I can see my next door neighbour's window. On his ledge, I can see… Today, I received my first ever hand-job. It would have been great if she didn't wipe it across my…